Monday 14 January 2002 // 1527 EST

Seeing: vivid dreams

Hearing: Jewel -- Standing Still

Touching: Frying pans and cutting boards

Tasting: Lemon Herb Steak and Macaroni and Cheese

Thinking:

There isn't much that I hate, but let me outline a few things for you.
I hate people who are never happy. I mean, sometimes you don't have much to be happy about, and things are going pretty rough, but you always have something to be happy about, or at least sometime. I mean, I know people who are never content with anything in their lives. I hate people who are never content with anything they have, always complaining that where they are, who they are, what they're doing, that none of it is good enough. And I know too many of those people. People who think that a superficial change is going to completely turn their lives around. People who are running. Always running.

I know a lot of people who have lived in one place their whole lives and think that moving away and moving around will make everything better, make their lives everything they want to be, make everything okay. I know people who hate where they live, hate their homes so much that everywhere is better than here, anywhere is better than here. I've travelled around the world my whole life, been across the seas and over the mountains, seen the world, and there's a lot to be said about having a place to call home, having a place to rest, having a place that's familiar and comfortable, and trust me, as much as I'll be the first one to bitch about Columbia, Maryland, this is a damn nice place to live. Try living in Kansas or Missouri, try living in Georgia, then tell me that Columbia is so horrible. I tell people this, and they don't believe me. I suppose people have to make their own mistakes. So run from yourself, I say to these people, I know one of them running from herself on another shore, praying that everything will be better but inadvertantly re-creating what she left in a different locale, where the sun sets on a different shore and the people are little different. I know another who can't leave yet but will probably go as soon as they can, and I pray that they'll be happy and that they find whatever they're looking for. When I was young and wanted to be an astronaut, an explorer, when I wanted to go into space and go far far away from here and all the people and all the troubles, I wanted to leave all the prejudice and all the injustice and all the pain and sorrow behind me and then find something to bring back and make it all go away for everyone else...but my greatest fear was that I would go so far away from it all, so far away, farther than anyone else ever went, only to realize that I was running from myself, and I think that, looking at my relfection in a plexiglass window, with the earth millions of miles away, staring out into the blackness of space, that realizing that would truly drive me mad. I don't think such a great deal of distance is required for that realization to have horrible effects on someone's psyche.

Natalie and I had a conversation about this today, and we decided that if someone is in control of their lives, then it doesn't matter where they are...it's okay to want to leave someplace if you don't like it, but letting the success or failure of your existance bend based on where you are....if it's matter of finances and jobs and things then I can understand, but if it's just a matter of happiness, then that's a different story, that's just silly. I know people who are never happy with anything, anything at all. I hate people who tend to be like that, people who can't communicate their thoughts and feelings, people especially my age who think they're finished growing and changing, finished becoming something new and different. It doesn't take an idiot to know that the instant you finish changing, the instant you finish gorwing and doing new things, learning new things, that's the instant you die. The person so foolish that they believe thet know themselves in all of their facets, the person who is foolish enough to believe that they are the pinnacle of their personal existance at 19 or 20 years of age, perhaps a quarter of their lives finished, is perhaps the most foolish of all. And I'm sad to say I know several people who are just like this. I know a 56 year old man and a 57 year old woman who both know that they still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do, a lot of changing and that they're not finished changing and becoming...that they will never be the sum of their parts. It's naive to think otherwise.

It is truly a fool who is so discontent with their lives as they make them, and yet refuses to change their lives to what they want...it is truly a fool who finds no happiness in their lives.

Another thing I hate is the Plastic Bohemian. There's a reason I named my radio show Plastic Bohemia, it's because I think that a lot of people like to live in a little Plastic Bohemia...the kind of middle-classed socialist brat mentality that drives me insane...the "my daddy makes 100 grand a year but i hate society and my life is so hard" kind of bullshit that drives me nuts...all the middle classed kids pretending to be so enlightened and in touch with the real world when in reality they dry clean and press that button-down shirt that they put on over that wifebeater thinking it makes them look so blue-collar. It's insulting, personally, not so much to me, but to everything that people work so hard for. It just kind of aggrivates me. Of all the trite, middle-classed, neo-hippie bullshit, don't you dare pretend to think you're enlightened when you know full well you're faking it just like the rest of middle-class america....and I don't pretend to be any better than them, I just know at least I'm honest about it, and can only know so much, can only read so much, can only experience so much, but I can never understand completely what it's like. I can try to enlighten myself in my own way, but I dare not pretend to have the visions and the windows into existance that those who have had it so much harder than me have, it's not right to lie to myself or to anyone else that way. I am who I am, and enlightenment, individual thinking, all of those things come from inside you, and they live in your mind, in your actions, in your speech, they're not how you dress or the music you listen to, how you do your hair or how many holes you have in your body. Individuality is just that...up to you. And by robbing someone else of theirs, you do nothing but compliment the society that you strive to reject, for some god forsaken reason. Make your Bohemia real...don't be an individual like everyone else.

In other news, I had really vivid dreams last night...about driving really fast and riding motorcycles and driving fast cars, racing around the world and seeing exotic places and people...about fighting for my life and defending myself, being a badass and having friends who stood by my side..it was so strange. I always have wierd dreams when I talk to Katie before bed. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately, working on art duels, kind of graphic designer battle, where we start with a topic or an idea or a phrase, and design an image around it, then pass it back and forth between each other and tweak it, change it, do different things to it and see where it leads us in the end. It's been fun, check out our progress here, just for kicks. She's a cool chica, when she's not being retarded. ::grin:: Yeah, that's an official plug, check out her website and everything, she's nice and all.

In the meantime, I've been werking a lot, with any luck I'll have a new set of turntables and a mixer by the end of the week, and I think that'll probably complete the set of toys that I really want. Now the only thing I'm looking at is finishing off my vinyl wishlist, and I have plenty of sources to take care of that. I'm not even putting myself in debt over the new toys and the tables and all...I just have to bring my dear friend Rachel some spaghettios in exchange for the turntables. Not a bad exchange, if I do say so myself. Werk is good, it pays the bills, and I'm still looking for other jobs...someone stay on my ass and make sure that I apply for half of these government and other jobs that I have copies of openings for on paper...I've been so caught up with applying for jobs and whatnot online that I haven't gotten around to the real thing yet. Wierd, huh? Maybe I'll do a little of that when I get home tonight. But then again, it's orange ruffie for dinner, and I get to see Katie again, we're supposed to chill and hang out. It's strange, I look back through my thoughts over the past few years and notice how many times I've mentioned her, the things we've been through, and it's really impressive that someone's been there with me for so long, even when we weren't associating with each other. Maybe that's why my parents seem to like her so god damned much. Well, I think it'll make them happy knowing they're moving away and I have people here who are a strong support network for me. If anything, I do have people around who really do care about me, and that makes me very happy. Thanks, you guys.

So, I need some pictures taken of me, anyone up to being a photographer? I haven't gotten any pictures of me in a really long time that I didn't wind up taking myself with my computer camera, some real ones would be nice....

In still other news, I like apple dumplings and ice cream.