Sunday 17 June 2001 // 1941 EST

Seeing: Too much counterstrike

Hearing:Too much counterstrike

Touching: My keypad...playing too much counterstrike

Tasting: chocolate cake...for fathers day

Thinking:

I was going to take a slew of computer training classes offered by the University, you know, Peer Training classes, but I figured that I could spread them out a little more and take them when I felt like it, rather than trying to ram all this training into one week, mainly next week, especially with everything happening. I'm aching to get paid, since I'll definitely need the money, what with my bills coming in and girl's birthday and whatnot-the overtime would have been nice, but I'll take a few and save the others for later. In the meantime, I've been playing way too much counterstrike. I suppose it's the last refuge of a boy like me, but I really want to be good at it, so I play it nonstop for hours....I suppose it makes me happy in some way, especially when I'm doing well...I've almost completely forgotten about quake and starcraft and all the other games I said I was going to play. Eh. I'll get to them, it's still early in the summer, and I'm only now getting back to werk. Ugh...werk. I forgot about that, I'll probably be going back to werk tomorrow, even though I'll be taking Wednesday off to hang out with girl the day after her birthday, and I'll be going to Six Flags on friday to celebrate girl's birthday...heh..thursday night is origin, friday is sixflags, and friday night is the foam party...I'm gonna be wiped. First things first, anyone got 10 bucks to loan me for Origin?

I've been thinking about reformatting my Performa, making it a web-development platform for Nova Netwerks, and that being it's primary reason for existance...I mean, I'm so tempted to buy a new iBook it's not even funny, since I heard you can get an Apple loan and pay it off for 50 bucks a month for however long it takes, but hell, it's more than worth it...but I should pay down my other debts first, you know, that credit card that I can't use because it's practically maxed out and that bank account that's essentially empty. Heh...enough financial worries, I think I let financial issues get to me too much.

Another topic got added to my list of things to write about: "Ravers: Are they just nice because they're on drugs?" I don't really think so, but there are some people who think they are, and I think it's worth thinking about, even if I just do it to come back to my original conclusion-besides, one exception to the rule makes the rule false, and I know for a fact that I'm an exception to the rule...speaking of drugs, I'm really tired of our drug culture...maybe it's because I was raised both here and in europe, maybe it's because I've spent so much time and energy fighting illegal substance use in people my age, maybe it's because I'm tired of seeing it all around me and in the people I know and care about, but I'm really getting sick of it, and I don't really know what to do or say...people tell me about their rolling stories or how high they were or whatever, people tell me how much they love weed or hate weed, people brag to me about how high they were when such-and-such happened like it's something to brag about...and it aggrevates me, to be honest, not that I really care so much that people do what they do, just that they feel the need to brag about it when they know that I...1. don't want to hear it, 2. don't share their sentiment.

People can rationalize anything if they want to.

They have an uncanny quality to conjure in their minds that it's okay to tell their friends and loved ones all the things they don't want to hear, their sex lives, their deep and dirty secrets, all of their inane stories and babble...what is it about humans that make them so prone to NOT thinking and simply babbling? I wonder where along the line intelligent thought fell out of our gene code...no...it's there, I know it is, but why people refuse to exercise it is another story. The worst part, in my opinion anyway(like the rest of this isn't, right?) is that I can't tell people that the things they say bother me or that I don't want to hear it, becuase then they'll get upset and get their feelings hurt and wah wah wah....so you're caught between two places: grin and bear it, or tell all and fuck shit up. Which way am I supposed to choose? Neither one is really fair, but to be honest, it's not fair for a selfish friend to put another friend in said situation. I don't want to hear about your sex life, I don't want to hear about what you did with who and how it was, I don't want to hear the stories about how different you are, because we all know that it's the people who claim to change the most are the ones who have actually changed the least...I don't want to hear your rolling stories, I don't want to hear how high you were, it doesn't matter to me, it disgusts me, and it only makes me think less of you...your stories are old to me, they're gray to me, they don't matter to me, and they fill the air and hang heavy in it, making me feel sick every time I try to breathe...

And then there are the people who only contact you when they need something-hell, I've been that person before, and while it's gratifying, you realize what you're doing and you HAVE to feel at least a little guilty about it-you HAVE to know. The friends who say they'll always be there for you, which translates into call me when you want to talk and I'll see if I can make time for you, but until then, don't expect me to actively want to include you in my life...which is a double edged sword, I'm sure you can imagine, but it makes those people all the harder to approach.

I think that maybe I just need to hang out with different people, see a wider variety of people, and then I realize that most people are pretty much the same, what makes me any different? I have my choice of who to spend my time with, but it's really not that wonderful, everyone is annoying in their own little way, it's just a matter of whose annoyance is least annoying or who's annoyance have I forgotten about today? But then, what makes me any different? I must annoy other people the same way? Surely I am not without blame myself-what is it that I do that bothers my peers oh so much? My superior attitude about their druglives? My desire not to hear what they have to say? My need for intelligent conversation, but on my own terms? Perhaps all of these things...and perhaps I'll have to come to terms.

I think I'm feeling like I need to get away for a while...go somewhere..to be alone with my thoughts, maybe on a beach watching the waves crash or in a forest lying on my back watching the sunlight filter through the tree canopy...the branches waving and the leaves gently falling...someplace that's not here, not werk, and not in my car, unless I'm driving there. Who knows...but I think I should take care of this soon, it's bothering me a lot. It doesn't just limit itself to people, it's the scene also...sometimes I get so tired fighting for a scene that is so self-destructive, sometimes I get tired trying to do well and promote something that's so difficult and riled with problems and internal doubt...but such is any good fight, you wind up fighting for what you believe in, fighting for what you think is right, and there will always be people who don't want you to fight for them or don't think that fighting for them is that important, or think you're just making trouble...but what's stopping me? What's stopping me from carrying myself to another level, from doing the things that will make me immortal, from doing the things that I know and you know should be done and saying the things that should be said? What's keeping me back? Is it werk? Is it my parents? Is it my financial situation? Is it where I live? Is it my friends? Or is it me? I don't know, but it's worth thought.

Maybe I should re-read the Celestine Prophecy. It might help shed some light on some of these things.