Monday 20 August 2001 // 1817 EST

Seeing: Sunlight peeking through the door, open just a crack...

Hearing: Linkin Park -- The End

Touching: Cooking utensils

Tasting: Ham steak

Thinking:
I've said it before and I'll say it again....I'm trying to rid myself of my gentle nature. This weekend was more of a rollercoaster than I had bet on, but I suppose that noone can truly tell the future, so I get what's coming and only mistress fate herself knows what is in store for me. I've been a busy boy, I suppose, since I updated last, and there's plenty to say, but don't worry, I'll get around to it shortly. In the meantime, in response to a few things I've encountered lately, I don't think I've ever met some people who have been happier at something that's happened in my life that I would consider painful... and for selfish reasons at that...it makes things all that much harder when dealing with some of you. And in turn, some of you notice that I still manage to carry myself and manage to try and be happy-well, it all comes down to this: No man who is determined to make the most of himself in this life can focus on what he doesn't have or what he's lost and instead must focus on what he has and what is within his reach...I have so much to do and so much life to live, I can't stop...I just can't...

Besides, I don't think you ever really lose anything...some things were never on the chopping block to begin with..friendships and true emotions aren't things that come and go like so much garbage, and when those things are involved, you never really lose anything that you can't have when it's right for you. That's how people work, that's how the world works, and it's up to you and the Mistress herself to see whether the tides turn to you again and the wind picks up at your back again. In the meantime, I have to keep on keepin on. And on top of it all, half of you don't even know. Why? I don't really feel like talking about it or getting into a huge amount of detail to be honest. Some things are better left alone. I'll have a cigarette or a clove or something, drag deep and remember the blessed days and nights, and with a long exhale I'll let it go...slowly but surely, the toxins run from my veins...painfully, and slowly, but they wash away, like anything else. I don't blame anyone, I don't curse life, curse love, I don't pray for the sky to open up and wash it all away...I do hope that someday this won't be all for naught, and I hope the things we feared and the unhappiness we felt will dissapate...well..T.S. Eliot said it best:

"If you love someone, you don't want them to suffer. You want to take their sufferings on yourself. If even I feel this way, why doesn't God?"

So here I'm left, flying alone. The nights are long and lonely, but no more than they were, the days are long and stressful, but no more than they were. And in the end, I miss it all, but such is fate. Speaking of which, there are a few other songs in my head lately if you want to accurately appreciate my mood: Janet Jackson's That's The Way Love Goes and Train's Drops of Jupiter are probably the lyrics that are bouncing around my head the most lately..but when I'm in the mood for something chill but soulful, I head over to Garage House Music and pick up on some of the latest remixes...oh man you've gotta check that mess out, it's fabulous...maybe I'm just getting old, but I'm feeling that soul and deppness ni my heart and all the way down to the bottom of my soul..it's something new and original and something fresh to my poor over-tranced ears..something that's inspiring, something to lift the fog and numb the pain. To be honest, if everyone could smile and be happy, then I would be happy too. I wish no pain on anyone...

Oh yeah, some movies you might wanna see:
The Others, a drama set in a victorian mansion with a mother and her two children that's on the last few days of World War II...it's creepy, to be honest...it's not a horror movie in that so scared you jump up in your seat kind of way, but it's scary in that suspenseful sort of way, which as we all really know is better. This is definitely one you should check out in the theatre, especially with the surround sound and everything, it's definitely a fabulous movie.
Princess Mononoke, an epic anime. I mean this movie had me forgetting it was an anime in a lot of ways, and no, I don't mean because of it's awesome effects or anything, not like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within(which did have me not paying attention to the fact that it was cgi for a really long while..I enjoyed Final Fantasy, cept for the whole "it's warm" part...), but Mononoke was truly epic in it's storyline...it's probably another kind of standard anime plot number 312, but it's very environmentally oriented but in a very different kind of way...humans and animals are essentially at war and trying to eliminate each other, the humans try to either survive or use the land to grow wealthy or maintain, and the animals won't stand for the humans cutting down the trees or defiling the planet..and in the middle is this one boy, Ashitaka, and the Wolf Princess, Mononoke...and together they have to find some way to defend what's right, save the forests, and save everyone's lives at the same time...this was fabulous, see it.
Voogie's Angel, just a fun anime..starts off with horrid dubbing and questionable plot, but ironically enough this series got me really hooked after the second episode..I have to say that I'm kind of eager to see what else they have in store, but who knows when Blockbuster will get the next few volumes. Definitely a feel-good-sit-around-eat-popcorn anime. That and it revealed to me the trailer for another anime, Shinesman, which looks to be the most hilarious superhero parody/action anime ever to grace the video stores...I really need to check this out. It's home of such quotes as "I can't die now...I have a date with the Turkish Twins!" and "Shina, get in the glowing green square." and "Don't you ever wish you just had a SHOTGUN?" "I don't even have a NAIL file." and "Wait a second, you really think they're superheroes? Come on, if you were superheroes would you really choose colors that UGLY?" "ehh..she's got a point..."
Requiem For A Dream, a must see for anyone who's really into drugs or into drug culture and druglife...scared the shit out of me...I mean, look at all these perfectly normal people who are trying to make it, trying to get out of the city, trying to make a life for themselves, and it shows you exactly how horribly wrong the game can turn, exactly how horribly wrong your life can turn out...there's something horribly REAL about this movie, and it scared me in a lot of ways, and in the end, well...it shows you life how it really is. When I saw it with Katie, she told me that it was kind of a cross between Pi and Trainspotting, and I think that's kind of accurate. Definitely a good movie, I might actually go out and buy that one.

One movie you definitely do NOT want to see: Ninja Ressurection: Revenge of Jubei. Please, for all that's holy in this world don't waste your money...the supposed dequel or at least spinoff of the HUGELY successful movie Ninja Scroll, this movie was well...horrible. I can't even begin to tell you how awful this movie was. I mean it was fine for a while, but it's like they ran out of money and had to fire the writers and finish up to the very last cel...wow this movie got HORRIBLY bad...::sigh:: plenty of fan service, though.

Anyway, here I am, my parents are still away and shouldn't be back until Wednesday, sorry for the delay on the update, I've been thinking about it and werking on it for a while now, and wanted to make it perfect...between all the things happening in my life, one friend leaving soon to go to school and needing my help AND wanting to spend some good fun times with me before she leaves, another friend who really ought to see me more often, another friend who says she wants to see me but never calls, and another friend who is probably too meek to ever call me again but I wish she would...suffice to say I'm a little swamped..and werk isn't helping. But on the upside, I might be werking at NASA soon....Emily's mom has the hookups and got me an in...now all I have to do is look good and smile pretty for the interview on friday and see how it goes. Wish me luck.

Speaking of Friday, I'll be at Buzz for the cryogenic party/scott henry's CD release, if anyone wants to know where to find me. I should be an awesome time. I'm making rounds of the party circuit again, now that I have a little bit of spending cash in my pocket and some free time...because trust me, werk is getting to the point where I need to do more fun things to keep myself sane. Now if only the phone would ring a little more often...