Friday 26 January 2001 // 0332 EST

Seeing: Outlaw Star...a nice show, kinda wholesome.

Hearing: Juno Reactor -- Feel The Universe

Touching: Scotch Tape and Wall Decorations

Tasting:Bennigan's Chicken Fried Steak

Thinking:
I don't think you're ever really lost.

Some people think they lose themselves in things, but I think it's more like you're a diver and you've gone too deep, you can't see the light from the surface anymore, and there's nothing but blackness all around you...your light's gone out and you're completely disoriented, and you have no idea which way is up...you're dazed, you don't know what to do, and a flicker of panic floats through your being, you're scared, you don't know whether you're going to make it out of this...you worry about things, you worry about your life and you worry about the things you have left to do, you worry, you think...you feel lost...but the whole time, there you are, right there. You know where you are, you know where what's important to you is...and there you are. You just have to focus.

Without the life-threatening nature, that's kind of how I felt. Trapped and dragged into a situation that I didn't want to be in, I had to smile and concentrate on my energy, I had to stay connected and let the bad energy flow out of me...all I could focus on was doing what I had to do and getting out as soon as possible...I almost wanted to laugh out loud at how ridiculous the whole thing was, if the other thoughts that floated through my head didn't make my physically ill...thinking about those things seriously did make me want to retch, so I took a sip of coffee and prayed that it didn't last too long and didn't get worse over dinner. I sat quietly and minded my own business, paid attention to the basketball game on the TV nearby and wondered how I managed to get here, whether it was important or not that I felt trapped or manipulated into the situation, and dismissed it entirely and agreed with myself that I would eat, make polite conversation, and allow my mind to think about other things...think about the energy inside me, about the energy there at that moment, and I fell silent...not because I wasn't having a good time, but because I wasn't THERE.

And here I sit, just finishing up decorating my floor for Spring Opening and relaxing, thinking about how this new semester will be difficult, but as long as I stay focused on the important things, then everything will be just fine...don't let myself be overcome by silly notions, possession, sexuality, jealousy, passivity, ignorance, self-centeredness...all of those things that stand against the things I believe in..I have to remember to look out for myself, because people don't make a habit of looking out for you, and besides, you can do it better than anyone else ever could...remember that. You can take care of yourself better than anyone else can. Self-reliance is a fabulous thing once you've discovered it.

So here I am...I'll try not to throw up, I'll bet the chicken fried steak isn't very pretty.

Well, the kids move back in on Saturday and Sunday, so I won't be alone anymore...wish me luck. I'm going into this one all engines full. Pulling no punches and making peace with myself. Finally letting the pieces rest in my head..getting myself together, so to speak. So if I'm a little quieter than normal, don't mind me, I'll say something when I have something worthwhile to say...when the energy flows my way. But don't you worry, I'll be there...the whole time, I'll be there with you.