Saturday 30 March 2002 // 1852 EST

Seeing: the ocean outside the bedroom window

Hearing: Alena -- Turn It Around

Touching: Beloved.

Tasting: Chicken breasts, seasoned with salt, pepper, and garlic, sauteed quickly in their own juice, cooked almost crisp on the outside and tender on the inside, corn on the side, and my trademark egg noodles in creamy alfredo and mushroom sauce...top if off with a glass of 2000 White Zinfandel, and you have the perfect dinner! ...yes, and I cooked it all. ::smirk::

Thinking:

Honey, the past ain't never what it used to be.
-Katie

She's right-regardless of your history, regardless of your past, it's always more romanticised in your mind than it actually was at the time...she told me this afternoon when I woke up from bad dreams into a worse one, being lied to and challenged and then getting the rude end when i had to call someone out on it, but all through it she whispered in my ear the complete and obvious truth...it just aint what it used to be. Think hard, think back to the memories that you cherish and hold dear, and don't change them or alter them in any way, but then think about them as a whole...life really isn't-wasn't roses and pretty. What does this all boil down to? There's no reason I should care so much about a past that I can only wish was a pretty as I thought it was. Another thing I've always said was that the past is like dust...the future is like clay, soft and ready to be molded, and the present is like the sculpture you've made or not made, quickly hardening and cracking, about to fall apart..you have time to make a few changes, to try and do something different, but for the most part things are already set in motion and you have to deal with those concequences...and with time, that scultpure will crumble and fall, right? Seems like a good analogy-look at it this way....you can look at that dust, you can remember the statue that it was, but you'll always look at it like the art critic looks at the masterpiece, you'll see more than maybe there really was, you'll see something that is obviously grander and much more exaggerated and wonderful than it really was, you'll see something you wish happened or you want to see. And when you realize that, that's when you can be free of those chains that hold you to the elements of the past. That's when you can really up and move past it, even if you were completely sure that you had already-that's when you can pry the parasite off of your psyche and move higher.

For me? The parasite is gone. I just wish it hadn't taken so long...but I do appreciate the people who have been there and been around me to remind me what's going on-thank you Katie, Mother, Father, Kim, Rob, eMily, Konrad, Jessica, Phil, Camille, Chrissy, Liz, Art, just a few-thank you for reasons you probably don't even know, but thank you for showing me a glimmer of happiness, all of you. Thank you for hugging me when you see me at parties, thanks for the smiles, thanks for the well-wishes, thanks for working so hard with me, thanks for striding by my side, thanks for all of it, thanks for telling me that sometimes erasure is the way to go, thank you for everything. I mean, if only some people really knew what happened when they closed their eyes to what they had...if they knew what really went down, sometimes I think they wouldn't be so high-and-mighty. Thank you for showing me that I'm better than stumbling to levels that I've been to already, thank you for showing me that I'm a better person, thank you for helping me realize that I am someone, poised to get up and go somewhere special and do something important, that I really am someone special, that person I always wanted to be, and there are some things you just dont take from anyone. I've seen where I could have been, who I could have turned into, and you know what? I'm better than that, I'm on a different path, I'm on my way.

That's all I have to say about that.
Natalie told me that using your journal as a kind of catharsis is okay, but you don't need to use it as a means to say something to someone that you wouldn't say to their face, so I wont...::grin::...hell, I'll say it to anyone's face, and make them cry at the same time! She showed me an aquaintence's livejournal and let me flip through it, and it was pretty impressive at the claims she made and the things she said, and I saw a little of myself in her, but at the same time she was so pithy and self-indulgent, that she used her journal as nothing more than a platform to spout off how much better she is than everyone else...and while sometimes that's cool, it's kind of sad when you make broad sweeping generalizations about specific pointed events...what I'm getting at is that while a little catharsis is cool(as I have no doubt shown in the past few paragraphs), there's a point where you have to grow up, get up from the keyboard, stop complaining, and make something of your life. Stop sitting in the same old rut complaining about how you have no way to change your situation and do something about it, stop complaining about people in vauge terms and either bring your problems to their attention or drop them out of your life-because they don't have the right to be the leech on your psyche. You're the only one who can make your life better-so you have to get up and do it, not complain about how much you'd like it to be.

With that being said, I applied for a position as a special agent at the FBI, as a forensics analyst...dunno how much training that entails or what, and I'm not thrilled about Ashcroft being my boss, but ya know, it could be a good job choice...and besides, I've always wanted to work in intelligence of some sort. Aside from that, in less than two months I'll have two diplomas with my name on them from Maryland, some kind of certificate of academic excellence from CMPS(still dont know what that's all about yet, they just said show up and prepare a short speech), and I'll be free of the bonds of academia for at least a little while-I'll hold off on grad school for a bit. In less than a month, I'll have two gorgeous new Technics MK3D turntables, finally something to listen to all of my records on, something to practice on that's not crappy geminis or something or doesn't belong to someone else...like the radio station...not like they count, since their tables got stolen a few months ago and even though we have replacements, they haven't installed them yet....damn slackers.

I was flipping through my records, trying to think of what I wanted to build a set out of for the 19th of April, when I'll be spinning a little gig at the student union, and I picked up the new Paul Van Dyk Columbia ep that Katie bought me for my birthday, and I realized that I hadn't heard it in a long time....maybe that's the turning point for a DJ, when you have so many records that you don't remember what they all sound like...or maybe it's just because I don't have my own equipment. Either way, that'll soon be fixed, oh yes it will.

Oh shit, I haven't even mentioned my vacation! I went to the beach on Tuesday, leaving late at night to make the drive there, just Katie and I, and we made it there in good time, despite the rain and a little bit of fog, but we got to her condo and settled in for the night, chilled out a bit and enjoyed the view from the 13th floor window...I'm serious, you step out on the balcony and you look left and you see the expanse of the atlantic ocean, and you look right and you see the chesepeake bay...the strip of land that we were on is so small that you could probably walk from one side to the other in no time-there were the beaches, the hotels and condos, a few businesses right against Coastal Highway-you know, restaurants and whatnot, and then a mirror image on the other side, and then water...I had forgotten how wonderful it is to sleep with the sound of the rushing ocean in your ears not so far off in the distance...the whole trip was so peaceful and calming and relaxing...it was warm enough to spend a little time on the beach but not to swim, which is okay, but we spent time hanging out on the boardwalk(which is already starting to bustle), cruising around and shopping, and most importantly relaxing far away from all of our troubles...it really was an amazing trip. I got back on Friday afternoon, just in time to take a nice long nap and go see Death To Smoochy later that evening. The movie? Well I'll put it this way-it delivered a lot more than I thought it would, and it's totally worth the 6 bucks and popcorn, heh. The moral of the movie? Leave it all to the Irish mob! They'll handle everything!

Earlier that week Katie and I took the metro into DC to do a little museum hopping, but we wound up spending most of our time in the National Gallery....someplace I had missed desperately-one thing I haven't managed to do in a long time is take time out to do something cultured, something intelligent, something that...um..my last situation didn't allow me much of, aside from the culture I would get from sitting around watching tv and other people smoke up. Bitterness aside, it was good to get out and about, and do something fun...it was the first time I had been back to the Gallery in over a year, and it got me thinking of all the things I hadn't done in a long time for one reason or another...it made me happy that I was at the point where I could do those things again. We strolled around downtown DC and had a hard time choosing which place to eat dinner at in union station, wandered a little bit and looked in the shops and the stands at all the pretty things and glanced at the pricey, extravagent restaurants that lined the metro/train station...it's really a very grand and elaborate place, both of design and architecture as well as content...I hadn't been there in ages either, and it made me happy to go back and have a good time there.

And now? Now I'm thinking about what to eat for dinner, getting ready to do my vacation laundry, and feeling refreshed and energized enough to get back to work and class next week. A few minor snips here and there, and everything will be back to normal. In the meantime, I'll chill here listening to that super long live Essential Millennium mix that Paul Oakenfold threw down a year or so ago, close my eyes, and remember exactly who I am.

I suggest you put on something you like, close your eyes, and remember who you are too...do a little self-exploring...because as much as some people think they know who they are-they don't...take the time to explore yourself, learn something about yourself, test yourself in a new situation, and then...then you'll grow to know who you really are.

Spread your wings.