Monday 8 June 1998 - 12:55PM EST
Well. Funny how one person can come along and be so passionate about something as to make you rethink your entire stance on matters. She came along and got so upset over my condition that she started to yell at me, or at least yell as much as one can online, and all of her emotion actually made me start thinking about things. I know that the day before yesterday, I would claim perfect happiness, and I wouldn't think about all this, but if she weren't right somewhere, would she be so passionate about it?
I realize exactly how little control I have over things...I mean everything is about someone else...everything. I realize how little others seem to think of me in their actions, and how much I seem to think of others..I don't want to be selfish, but I wonder if that's what's called for. Either way, it confuses me. I want to assert myself. I want to get my way. I'm not throwing a temper tantrum, and I'm not being moody, I just want things my way for a change. I want people to think of me for a change, instead of what they can get from me. I want to be loved, you know, considered, cared for, invited places, I want to actually be in someone's thoughts before they need something from me.
Oh well. I supppose it's just a bunch of random thoughts, anyway.

Friday 5 June 1998 - 1:18AM EST
Well well well. What to do when boredom reigns supreme...update the webpage!
Nothing's really happened...possibly because I haven't gone out to do anything, possibly because nothing has really happened. Either way, there isn't too much going on...if anyone knows of someplace that's hiring, I need a job. And so does Katie, so let her know, if you will. Her email address is in her shrine. Well, I suppose I'm taking Tim's example and putting the new before the old, so you can read the newer stuff first, eh? Looking good, I suppose. The weekend is upon us, and I really want to have fun, although those possibilities might be somewhat limited...nonetheless, I miss people and it'd be nice to see them, people like Sarah Magruder....where the hell did she go? I miss her. Well, I suppose that'll do it for the obligatory bored update...I'm cooking ramen....yo quiero taco bell.

Wednesday 3 June 1998 - 5:41PM EST
Summer, huh? Yeah, I suppose that's about right. I don't know. I've been home for a while now, and the lack of updating going on with this site is indicative of my efforts with it for the time being. I'm going to try and keep up with things here, but I'll say it now, don't expect too much...I communicate with people through dreambooks and Instant Messages, that seems to be my primary mode of communication, excepting the telephone and seeing people in person, that is.
A lot has happened in the past week or so. In an attempt to keep myself busy, I've tried to be out and about most of the time, doing stuff. I remembered myself the other day. Remembered..remembered that I am a human being that deserves love and compassion..one that has given it to others his whole life, and one that wishes for some int return. So. Regardless of what's going on in my life, happy or unhappy, I will do as I please, and I will act in my own best interest. Whatever makes me happy, goes. Anyway, let's recap, huh? Got home on the 23rd, spent time with Katie. Even though I know it's not like she'll ever be reading this, she never comes by the website, even though there's a section devoted to her. I've spent a lot of time with Lauren Mullen and Lauren Vandegrift....thank you both for spending so much time with me and supporting me....I appreciate your truthfulness and listening ears, I really do.
So. I forget which day it was-but I do remember the order that things happened in...sometime last week, Andrea and I went out to Ocean City....we got there, saw that nothing special was happening, looked around a little, and we got bored. We ate, and then went home. We were bored, what can I say? But the road trip was fun, I have to admit that. Once again, Alan proves to himself that he is capable of attracting a member of the opposite sex. I think I needed some convinving at that point...I was feeling really unwanted at that point...I kinda still do now. I think I slept after that....no, wait..I think I went out with Lauren M. that afternoon...yeah, I picked her up to hear that Kelly Pendgrass was giving away a lot of her old clothes, and of course, Lauren was very interested in this...so I went. I rendezvoued with Emily Coren, and we went off to Sara Snell's house(if any mentioned parties hava had their names spelled wrong or something, let me know?) and I proceeded to lie on the floor while they went through clothes. They only got me in drag once...and I luckily failed one of Emily Coren's attempts to either tickle me to death or strip me naked....somewhere in between, I'm sure. Nonetheless, I was caught by Sara's mom wearing some strange pink dress....I hope she'll forget about that...not quite the first impression I usually like to make on adults. Anyway, thus ensued naked time, and I did my best to be modest and not look. It was fun, nonetheless, it gave me an opportunity to loosen up in a friendly atmosphere, and Sara, if you ever see this, thank you.
I suppose that for the first time in a while, that day I actually felt attractive to someone....I felt wanted, you know? Accepted. Acceptance is rare lately when rejection seems to be my standard...attention has to be fought for, and people are generally pushed aside for others at the delight of the person doing the pushing, with no regard for feelings anymore.
Anyway, I'll leave the rest of that afternoon in Sara's room in her room where it belongs, but I do hope I get to see Sara again...she makes me feel....good about myself. Anyway, Lauren and I then departed for the mall, and eventually went to pick up Tanya Abrahams....haven't seen her in a while, and we went to Jenny Innes' house....that was fun, stayed there until midnight.
Next day? Hung with Lauren V. at the mall....saw Bramer, hung with him and Lauren...spent way too long in Gadzooks....saw clothes I might actually buy....frightened me.
Long entry, huh? Well, lot has happened. Anyway, I suppose the next big event was that I went to Hammond's and Oakland Mills' graduation in the same day....I like graduations, they make me feel inspired. I saw all my little babies, all grown up and escaped from their Howard County Public School prisons, and with their high school diplomas. I'm really proud of all of them. I went to lunch with Lauren M., and we talked...we talked about a lot of stuff, and one thing about Lauren, is that she tells me the stuff that I know I need to hear. We talked a lot, and she was really honest with me about everything-and I respect that a lot.
From then on, it's mostly been Lauren Vandegrift, a good faithful friend with a listening ear and a closed mouth that opens only when she has something worthwhile to say about my problems. She is appreciated also.... so the saga continues, I suppose. Summer goes on, and hopefully this will be less of a cruel summer than it looked to be.
The job wars continue, with CompUSA being all staffed, and APL looking slim for right now, so I need to try for somewhere else....but if I don't work this summer, I suppose I'll be happy. Just money is the problem....money....oh well. So. Life goes on, I suppose....not too much personal insight going on....wishing I could be free...parents bothering me too much. Okay, I'm going abstract...I'll stop before I decimate my thoughts....Jen, if you read this, email me or somethin....chat with everyone later...take care, all of you. My stride goes unbroken.