Saturday, 3 May 1998 - 1:52AM EST
Millenium's Child. Phase Three. Engage. I'm finally finished. With a lot of effort and exhilaration, I've finally finished this endeavor. There are so many things that I put into this thing that it'd better be good. I hope everyone gets the opportunity to see it.....everything's changed. Not just with this website, but everything. The entire balance of events here recently has been altered. With the recent social events and the closing of academic events, in a lot fo ways it makes me wish that some type of affirmation would come to my personal issues. The ones that most people don't know about, the ones that everyone knows about. I'm still confused, even if my website is all worked out. Things are getting really wierd around here.....and I'll keep you posted. Finally, this thing is finished, and I think it's safe to sleep now. When tomorrow comes, I'll have everything to hear...stories to hear, and new lives to participate in...and then there'll be my own life to live.....oh well, I suppose I'll take it breath by breath....that's the only way to do it. Carry on.

Monday, 4 May 1998 - 12:20AM EST
Well, the beginning of a new week, new things in store for us, new adventures and new people. And everything just keeps getting interesting. That's the spice of life, I suppose, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Life just got a bit wierder, but I can't say that it necessarily got a lot better...I suppose I'll just have to wait and see. Amusingly enough, things are a little calmer. People, keep reminding me to update this site....I really ought to. And if there are any problems, let me know and I'll fix them.
Anyway, I made a lot fo new friends this weekend, with Art Attack and my contact high and everything, I talked to so many people over IM and ICQ this weekend that it's ridiculous....but I made some new friends. Anyway, this week should be interesting. A program, a night lab(providing the weather is right), an exam, a prom I'm not going to, a play, hopefully maybe clubbing....never know what's happening in my life. Sigh. Anyway, I'm happy with the new site, I'm happy with a lot of things...but I can't say that things aren't a little....different. I feel different. I don't know what it means...but I know this much...I'll find out really soon.

Monday, 4 May 1998 - 8:51PM EST
I turn sideways to the sun, and keep my thoughts from everyone....it's a jungle and a freak...hear me talk...but never speak...
The word of the day is "whatever." Just so you knew. Anyway, after a very disturbing conversation with someone without a single creative bone in their body and aruging over their silly lies, it's safe to say that I'm feeling pretty good about myself, and I'm not being sarcastic-I really do...fighting the good fight sometimes against some of the worst people makes you feel good about yourself sometimes. I went to perhaps the most interesting RA class I've ever had-maybe it was because I found out that the RD for LaPlata is actually not a bad person, as far as associating with other ResLife peeps are concerned or maybe it was because tonight's major topic was crisis management and suicide. Out of everything that's been taught in this class, I actually felt comfortable enough to talk openly about this one to the other people in the class....maybe because I have experience both with and talking people out of suicide attempts. Anyway, now, on to a relaxing evening....without soap! Dammit!
I'm getting food, I'm getting dressed for bed, I'm watching really bad sitcoms on the WB, and I'm gonna get a damn good night's sleep tonight.....tomorrow I have a program that's not going to happen because people aren't going to show up for it. Fine with me, I'll just send Amy home and we'll call it a night. Well, I'm gone for my fried wings and mozza sticks....mm...dinner. Gotta get my grease for the day, you know. Tomorrow will be.....odd. Too much to do, not enough time to do it all in. One question, though...does anyone have anything GOOD to say about my website? Had I known that everyone was going to tell me it's horrible and point out everything that's wrong with it, I wouldn't have updated....I mean, thanks to the people that have given me constructive critique, you know, this link is down, that doesn't work right, thanks....but some compliments would be greatly appreciated, that is, if anyone cares to give them.... I love it....but I don't really mind, I'll be okay. I always am. Semper Fi, baby.
I turn sideways to the sun...and in a moment I am gone......

Thursday 7 May 1998 - 4:04PM EST
Thrilling day, I think it is. I suppose that nothing major in my life is happening, but to me, getting up and surviving another class day with the promises of milk and honey and summer so close at hand is in itself an achievement, and this cause for celebration. I'm not doing anything as questionable as getting drunk or staying out all night or anything, but I like my life with all it's intricatices anyway. I almost hit my Astronomy professor(who I found out today makes about 75,000 dollars a year....maybe I am in the right field...)at the excruciatingly long night lab last night-beginning at about 8:45PM, and we didn't get back to campus until about midnight. I worked on stuff until about 4AM, and then slept very rock-like until I got up at 9AM this morning.
Phrase of the day: "Dolphins live in water and they don't have hands." -Dr. Lee Mundy
Yes, that was the my astro professor today, talking about civilizations and how the current dolphin situation does not exclude them from being intelligent, but it does, however, exclude them from constructing large radio arrays to initiaite interstellar communication.
Anyhoo, classes were interesting today-my last Honors seminar, although the 20-page autobiography of my body is, however, due in her mailbox by the 14th at noon....will he get it done? And my final CS project is due Monday at 11PM.....will he be able to wade through it all? I think so. So, no more honors seminars, that's a little load off my back...things are winding down, and if I get enough sleep, I'll be able to actually comprehend that it's going to be a very....interesting summer. I hate keeping secrets. But I like having them. More thoughts later.
All of your lovers are heroes in my bed......

Saturday 9 May 1998 - 11:28PM EST
Forever is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.
I should be out partying somewhere or doing something fun. Instead I'm sitting in my room dancing and listening to techno really loud and hoping to get written up by my RA and smelling the perfume that the ladies walking up and down this hall or wearing as they get ready to go out tonight and the guys running around getting ready, too...and here I sit, working on a silly C program that I swear if I get it the damned thing to compile, I'm finished. Done. Don't have to worry about it anymore. I won't even try to make it work....well...maybe a little, but not much. I just want this semester to be over. Once the program is out of the way, the only things are finals and that 20 page paper I have to write. Haven't started yet, but I know once i do, it'll all start flowing...need to get ink for my printer, too......anyway. I'm confused, frustrated, and more than a little upset. I keep getting the urge to go to bed, but I know it's Saturday and I really shouldn't have to go yet...it's been an interesting few days, although at the same time it hasn't. I went off on stuff a few days ago, look at my dreambook for info...I started rambling and couldn't stop....it's all in the drambook. Anyway. Perhaps one of the more trying things in my life that I had absolutely nothing to do with happened, and is over now...and I suppose only thing to do is sit in the wake and see what happens...do I sink or swim.....although some of the choice is out of my hands, and I don't know which will be better-it's a matter of either just swimming, or growin gills, because I refuse to be kept down. It's just not allowed. Anyway, life is gonna get interesting real quick again, and we'll see how I deal. Once again, Alan runs through the proverbial maze, looking for the proverbial cheese or something like that. Everyone seems to be very......extroverted lately, if not a little exhibitionist, but that's all in good taste considering everyone's sitch. I'm extremely happy for all of my friends who are all hooking up like widlfire, guess it's that spring thing, huh? Congrats, peeps.
Anyway. Went to see "The Balcony" last night....EXTREMELY goth....and it's really old, too. 1950s or something like that. Absurdist. I loved it. It was awesome. Lots of sex and stuff....really LONG story. Anyone who missed it...I'm sorry. It was awesome. I'll explain to anyone I talk to about it. Very inspirational....very interesting makes me think.....makes me try to comprehend...and you can't.
"Everything beautiful in this world we owe to masks" -Envoy, "The Balcony"
Some thing I remember that I figure I should share was the use of a large dildo and a knife in this production.....it was very......interesting. I'll explain to those who care to ask. Anyway. Life goes on. Flippitychippoppippitypop. Until next time.

Wednesday 13 May 1998 - 10:14PM EST
You're so fine......I wanna break your heart.
Garbage, just so you know. From their new album, Version 2.0. I bought it. And I bought From the Choirgirl Hotel.....Tori tori tori! And Massive Attack's new album, Mezzanine. Beatuiful. Brilliant. Anyway, life got very interesting very quickly, now didn't it? I'm sorry this update is a long time coming, but things have been very hectic lately. I wrote the biggest piece of work that I've had to do in a long time, I mean, my research paper for my Honors seminar last semester was supposed to be 15 pages, and it ran on to about 30. This paper, the autobiography of my body, was assigned to be 12-20 pages long, the most I've ever had to purposedully write. The paper wound up being 22 pages long, and after fighting with my printer, I got it to work. I turned it in with great flare and gusto. At least THAT'S over. Now all that stands between me and a peaceful, blissful summer are finals and transition team, and I get the feeling Transition Team is going to be rather easy. For those of you who don't know, Transition Team is that group of people that help inspect and clean the residence halls when people are checking out and trying to leave. But I get free T-shirts! FREE T-SHIRTS!!!!
Anyway, enough of that silliness. Life is confusing, trying to adjust my schedule between Tansition Team and my finals and review sessions and things. And then there's the soap opera unfolding in my life every day....interesting. At least my life isn't dull or anything. Lots to keep me interested and awake and thinking about life, liberty and the pursuit of..something. a deep blue something.....enough of my goth tendancies....which seem to grow and grow every day......oddly enough...a black goth....imagine that. What'll they think of next?
Tori is the patron saint of confused lovers. She is. Believe me.
Sarah McLachlan is the patron saint of the lovelorn.
A 22 page paper turned in, glitter all over it from an HFStival ticket that SOMEONE mailed me....thank you Katie, I really do appreciate it...and I know Dr. O'Sullivan will trip on the glitter...she'll love it....maybe she'll be nicer with my paper. Never know. It was a fabulous 22 pages, by the way, anyone who wants to know me should ask me about this paper....I can't post it online, because it might be incriminating, but if you're interested, it's awesome....I really liked writing it. Well, there's a rave on my floor tonight, I suppose I should go and join the festivities. RAVE OUT, YA'LL.

Thursday 14 May 1998 -7:45PM EST
The entire line goes: You're so fine....I wanna break your heart. And give you mine.
Didn't want to give you all the wrong impression. Anyway, I sit here in the middle of the evening, pretty bored, you know- and the problem with boredom is that it leads to an idle mind. And an idle mind starts thinking. Thinking about everything. Expecially the things it doesn't want to think about. She's my siren. I suppose I should admit that. I suppose there are a lot of things I should admit, both to myself and to everyone else around me. I'm a confused little boy, with the clearest mind and the most obvious purpose of anyone that I know, which perhaps serves to make me more confused than an individual might think that I am. I've done a good job of giving everyone the impression that I'm a prefectly happy little boy, healing and getting back into the swing of things, and everyone is doing a good job of helping me forget my troubles and my problems and everything. Thank you all. Although I have to admit that I'm not really better. And for anyone who might be doubting my sincereity in this statement, let me point out that there's a significant difference between being all better and being happy sometimes. A person greiving from a death in the familyy can laugh at a joke no problem. Now I'm not equating everything with something as severe as that, but I think it's an accurate analogy to the point that I'm trying to make. I didn't rave very much last night. Niether did any of the people at the rave last night. Only a few people that were really good got to dance. That weren't too mnay people, let me say that.
I'm bored.
And I still think. I'm lonely. Teetering on the edge of sexual frustration, suppose it's safe to admit to that. It's srping, right? I'm supposed to feel this way. Whatever, enough trying to convince myself. Although I can't claim not to be happy for the newfound love that seems to be writhing around me like some strange mass that has engulfed everyone else but seems somehow to be floating just out of reach, I don't know if it's because I've put up this shield or because I'm just silly and not looking in the right places. I have the tendancy to put up a shield after things like this...push the ones away from me that care the most for me, and make sure that I'm alone with my Old Friend....Pain, if you haven't met him..or her....Pain is without gender. It tastes my blood and drinks my passion. Bathes in my apathy. All traits that I don't normally possess. I vaugely remember a time when I was happy. I'm not sure about it though...it lingers just beyond my reach, just past the stretch of my fingers. Right there....where I can see it, but I can't touch it.
I have all the time in the world. Don't I? I can wait or I can flee or I can isolate myself. I can do whatever the hell I choose to. I have power. I have control. They have no idea. They don't know anything about me. They don't know the forces they're dealing with. They don't know the power I hold inside me. They don't know me. They don't know. And I don't think they ever will.
Words said with the sole purpose of envoking pain. I don't know where T. got the idea that I like to talk about myself-that damed paper was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I can't say I didn't enjoy it. I did, but has she read my paper, she'd have sung a different tune. I don't even think she knows how much she hurt. But it matters not, because T. can come and go. She isn't my Siren. I don't need her.
The world turns round and round, and I suppose that with every turn it brings with it a new life and a new death, a new cycle, and new hope and a new pain. I think it's time for me to exhale. I need to exhale. Keeping it inside me....I can't do it anymore. I can't deny how I feel, and I can't act like it doesn't matter and that it's not important....I look at myself and I see more and more the shadows of what might happen to me as precursors of what has gone before me....what I have been warned about and yet what I seem to want to slide into submitting to. And what if I do submit? But then I suppose it won't be me submitting. In the end you will submit. It's got to hurt a little bit.
Everything's changing. Everyday hurts. Everyday heals. Everyday heals one wound and creates another. Everthing makes sure that it stays interesting...maybe that's an ingrained part of human nature....we keep causing conflict and problems and depression and highs and thrills and passions and loves and hates and we keep keep trying....because otherwise it'd all be boring.....the alternative is unacceptable. Transition Team work at 10. Every day....every minute...every second.....every instant. So be it. Let's go.

Friday 15 May 1998 - 11:11PM EST
Sitting here listening to Massive Attack. Gave up on studying for my Math final. Suppose I'll get whatever I'm gonna get on it. I hope I do well, I'm pretty sure I will. Nonetheless. Everyone else is off celebrating Laura's birthday-although I'll probably hit the books again, I regret that I couldn't be there to wish you a happy birthday. Happy Birthday, Laura.
I don't know what to say. Today was an interesting day. I had a nice big arguement today. I finally, for the first time, understood why some people get so haughty abotu being in college as compared to talking to high schoolers. I understand how immature people can get.
Now don't get the wrong idea-I'm not saying that anyone is better than anyone else. I never believed that high schoolers are less mature than college freshmen-believe me, I can't say that and hold a strigth face. I just realized what a difference a few years can make. In the name of being a teenager. Some people's idea of just being young and being a teenager means being cruel and heartless. Makes me lose hope for the future. I remember distinctly what I was doing when I was their age, now....I had kind of forgotten, tried not to classify them as this type of person, but I realize it now. With all their beliefs about what they want to do and who they want to be with and when, and how often, I realize that when I was their age, I was the one who was helping the people that people like them hurt. I was the counselor to the people that had their souls ripped apart by their "teenage fun" and funny now that a few years later I find myself asociated with those same people...and ow i feel bad for the people who's hearts they rip apart in the name of being a teenager. Feh. Being a teenager doesn't mean hurting everyone you can until you're too old to do that without being called names and until you're old enough to realize that people will stay away from you if you keep breaking hearts. Interesting. When I was that age, I was having my heart broken by people like that. Suppose that's why I try to avoid them. I suppose I'm just old-fashioned? Not quite. I have what some people like to call ethics. Don't know what you're talking about. Well, I suppose they can all go away. I don't need all the pain in my life. There are so many other thoughts on this matter rolling through my head at lightening fast speed.....blindingly fast, blindingly painful. That's why I don't need this. I don't need to be hurting because someone wants to play spin the bottle.
Interesting. I'm old reliable. Everyone looks to me when there's no one else to look to. They know I'll help-and I will. I care. A lot. I care too much not to try and help. But at least I try to get people to figure out what they should do on their own, you know? Unlike several people I chat with every so often, they seem to think they know what's best for me...and don't hesitate to tell me. Everyone knows exactly what I should do, and very few pay attention to my feelings in the matter. Others get involved because they want to be the puppetmasters in this little charade. They want to control the outcome. They will not. I will make my own decisions, even to the extent that it means that I cut the strings to them altogether and I don't associate with them anymore. Puppetmasters...trying to control me, to control the outcome of my life. I realize now that if I say go away, then people have to go away. I will take back control of my life. And I don't need any of them. I will say goodbye if I need to. That I swear.
Crocodile Tears. You know, the fake kind of tears. Actor's Tears. I've seen a lot of them lately. A lot of built up spite in my heart...I notice. People lying to me, and running around following a path that they want me to be proud of them about....people tell me everything. Everything whether I choose to hear it or not. Whether I want to hear it or not. I don't want to hear it anymore. I won't hear it anymore. I don't need all of this, I'm better than this. No, I'm not saying I'm better than anyone-I don't dare go that far. But I am better than my miserable situation...and the people that keep me in misery-all of them-have to go. Or at least have to be distanced unless they change their ways.
Enough. Enough stream-of-conciousness. I'm going to HFStival tomorrow. Wonder if I'll survive. I'm supposed to meet people. I don't know if I want to. Don't know if I feel like it. Don't know if I need them. Lots of people there tomorrow. I suppose I'll see most of them. All of my furniture is gone. Dad stopped by and took a lot fo my stuff today-it's a good thing, since I don't need a lot of it. Makes moving out a lot easier. Well, I have a final tomorrow. I suppose I should rest. I'll catch some sleep. Suppose.......

Monday 18 May 1998 - 8:57PM EST
Well now. Isn't this quite the interesting thing? More than a few interesting things have happened over the past several days.....let's see. Immediately after I stopped the last entry, I thought I was going to go to bed, but alas, I did not. I went out. I went out with my big metal rod. And some stuff got beat. And some fountains got jumped in, and some feet got wet, and a ruckus got raised. Some croissants got ditched, and some clipboards got stolen. Much fun was had, and a McKeldin mall will never be the same. Some salsa, chips, cookies, and chocolate got eaten, and a good friend was bonded with. Thanks, Tim, I appreciated the time I got to spend with you. We should do it again sometime. Hey, no matter what, we'll always have McKeldin mall!
And then I slept. And I got up for my Calculus final, very sleepy and worrying that I wouldn't do well on it-but I went into that exam worried and scared and I tried and Igot confused, but then it came to me....I had this knowledge. I suddenly realized that I KNEW this crap, and I could roll it off the back of my hand if I so chose....and I did. I finished that exam with much fervor and happiness, knowing it was difficult, but confident that I did a good job on it anyway. I left a half-hour early. I then proceeded to return to my room, and pack a few things, and head out for the Student Union.
What's at the Union, you ask? Simple. The convience store, where I bought a little bit of food to tithe me over, and I got a little money that I hoped I didn't have to spend. I then proceeded over to the bus stop to make my way down to RFK Stadium for the HFStival. I rode the bus to the metro station, I rode the metro, and I got there all by myself. I'm very proud of myself. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. I hung around....er...in the trancemissions tent for a while, and I met up with Hammond peeps, mainly Katie, and we saw the B52s and just generally hung out.....a lot of things got resolved and affrimed and denied that afternoon.....and more groups played, and I raved like a muthafugga in the Trancemissions Tent, showing off my rave stylins to a group of people that chose to look at me and egg me on. I was a very happy Alan. I got free stuff, and I met Tiffany for the first real time....we had never met before, I just realized that, and it's amusing, for all the online chatting we did, it seemed like I had known her for a while. She crowdsurfs like a PRO. I'm serious. I'm jealous.
Anyway, I did good things and bad things, happy things and sad things, but all in all I had a good time. Crystal Method raved the fuck OUT. And I was right there. I raved the fuck out. They raved the fuck out, and all the people around us raved the fuck out....but somehow I found myself in the middle of a mosh pit......and moshing ravers....hm....you run when that happens. Anyway, this is a little story about my body playing the role of the warrior. I was trying to get out of the pit, when some guy decided to kick me in the side and launch himself off of me. Alan didn't like it very much, so he punched the guy. Hard. In the face. The guy fell down. He didn't get back up. Alan walked away. The pit closed over the guy.
I feel kinda bad about it now, since he might have gotten more hurt when the pit got through with his unconcious body, but hell.....I walked away. Tried to find peeps, to no avail, but caught up with them later, luckily, where all hell broke loose, and only by the grace of god and a little spilled blood did they heal. Perhaps it had to happen. It needed to. It broke the glass mask I've been trying to keep over my face for the past few weeks....and things just might get better now. A lot of things happened at the HFStival, and I'm so happy I went that I want to go again and again...I want to go back, and I want to do it again. I had a really good time, and I'm glad I went, and thank you Katie for mailing me the ticket, I appreciate it a lot.
Sunday consisted of a review session, and lots of sleep, but let me tell you a story that'll make you all lock your doors. At about 5:30AM Sunday morning, some random guy strolled into my room, turned on the lights, stood in the corner, and, he looked like he was peeing on our floor, but instead he was pouring water on our floor.....I yelled and cursed at him, but he only groaned, and turned the lights off and on as he stumbled out of our room. My hapless roommate, however, sat up in bed, looked at him, and then pulled up the covers, rolled over, and went back to sleep. Astounded, I kept yelling until he left our room, and then called the desk to report the incident. I got a mop, and I cleaned up the mess, with much noise and angry fervor, and my rommate? Slept through it all. Great, isn't that? Someone could have walked in and killed me, and he wouldn't have known the difference. That's safety and security right there. Doors are locked if we sleep from now on. Don't care if he comes and goes as he chooses. Door gets locked.
Anyway, Sunday was all review session and much sleeping, and a little hanging out-got to see bridget's room....very interesting...very interesting lady. Very very interesting, she's a fun one right there. Mental note, get to know Bridget better. And then there was today.
Astronomy 121: Introductory Astrophysics II Final Exam: Taken to the HOLE.
EDCP 470: Student Personnel and Paraprofessionals in the Residence Halls Final Exam: Taken to the HOLE.
That's right kiddies, three down, one to go, and money coming in from Transition Team. If I don't get good grades from these exams, I'll go nuts. But then....no more finals until Thursday..... and then there was one......and the last little exam was blown away......

Thursday 21 May 1998 - 5:41PM EST
And then there were none.
Finally, all the finals are finished, and the only thing standing between me and a happy summer is my job with the Transition Team. And I'm getting paid for that. The CS final was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be....I hope I did well. So far, I'm doing really well...I checked the grades that have been posted already, and I'm doing pretty good! Anyway, everyone's pretty much gone-all my old and new friends are pretty much gone. Hagerstown is almost desolately empty, and I'm sure that Easton is the same...but I'll find out when I get to work this evening at 8PM. Temperature dropped...it's nice now. Nice wind outside, not too much sun beating down, and the fan's going....in my new single-Dimitri moved out yesterday. I'm pretty much packed up, all I have to do now is clean my room, and get out all the ugly stains and things that are around this place. The last little final did indeed get blown away. It did indeed. Well, everything is wonderful right now....things are getting better, feelings are getting sorted out, and I knew that everything would work out as the summer approached. I always had an optimistic view of what this summer was going to be like-a lot of hot summer nights and lazy fun summer days......or maybe not so lazy....who knows, but I'll say this-fun is highest on the agenda. I worked my ass off for the past 2 summers, and now's my chance to relax. When I get back to campus in the fall, I'll be returning not only to school, but to work also-I'll be an RA. The campus is pretty empty...everyone without a particular reason will have to be gone by 11PM. Me? I'll be here until Saturday morning....this place will be so completely empty it's ridiculous.
Well, not much to say anymore...finals are over, I landed an internship, love is coming back to my life, and I'm getting happier. Nothing's gonna break my stride....ain't nothin gonna slow me down....oh no....I got ta keep on movin'........