Sunday 6 June 1999 -- 10:30PM EST
Wow, first update in a while.
Well, last you heard from me was the Underworld show, right? yeah, well, that was awesome, and lots has happened since-HFStival was phat-especially in the Trancemissions Tent, where the big boys were spinning...Moby, Wink, Hive, Feelgood, Todd Terry, DJ Rap, the works...it was awesome, I haven't had that good a time dancing in a long time..I made lots of new friends-but then again, if you're out and you're raving, then as soon as you give someone water, you're automatically their best friend-and if you teach people who don't know how to rave how to rave, then they like you, too-I mean, I'm not the shit or anything, but the vibe in the tent was awesome, and it was cool to talk to and make friends with people you didn't even know...it was like everyone in there was so friendly...unfortunately I've missed some of the other events I wanted to go to..StarScape, Whistle2...but then again, I have huge plans for this summer anywayz.
All my younger peeps are graduated, or at least the vast majority of them anyways, Katie being the most important to me, anyway(not to downplay the sucess of the rest of you guys, congrats, I love you all), and I remembered why I don't mind graduations so much...the speeches. Some are inspirational, some are funny-but they're usually not that bad. So I don't mind sitting through someone's graduation ceremony. But all that's over now, and it's time to have a good time-this summer's gonna be wonderful.
Applying for jobs..I have 9 applications to turn in...I hope I get a job to suppliment the one I have at the Astronomy Department-I mean 7 dollars an hour for playing on the internet is nice, but the down side is that I have to learn PERL, and while that's useful, it doesn't offer many hours. So another job to back it up would be nice. I'll keep you posted if I get work.
By the by, I want to road trip this summer-I'll let you guys know through other means, but here's the word-I want to go to New York for the MacWorld expo..that's not the biggest thing, but if I have to take a bus up there to do it, I will. And the other thing I want to do is go to Ocean City in August-I've never spent much time in OC, and since I have other friends going, it'd be nice to be down there for a while...have some fun, you know?
hmm...long entry. Well, never fear, I WILL be working on Millennium's Child through the summer when I get free time, and more than that, I'll be working on some other....additions to the family, some other...changes. Before you know it, this work of art in progress will be massive...probably bigger than anyone would care, but hell, I do this for me, too...anyway, stay in touch, eh? It'd be a boring summer without you. plur.

Thirsday 22 April 1999 -- 8:23PM EST
Life, kid.
Suck the box.
Underworld kicks booty.

Tuesday 13 April 1999 -- 1:33AM EST
Wow-it's been a while. Let me explain. Well. First there was this thing called Spring Break, that stopped me from updating at all-or at least drained me of the energy to update, and then this thing happened where the power source in my computer went plooey, and it had to go into the shop for a new one. Maybe the day will come when I can crack open my computer and fix little things like that myself. Yeah-that'll be the day.
Well, let me get you up to speed. Here's the deal. After having wonderful luck upward towards spring break, over the break our hero's luck took a turn for the worse, making him very upset and wondering if he'd ever recover. Well, he did, and things are better now, even with a grade in Calculus that needs improvement and a looming sadness on the far horizion. Even with the threat of bad things, I seem to be pretty happy for some reason, and I don't know why..other than right now, everything is good in my life, and I know full well that it's naive to think that everything in your life has to be going well to think that your life is good.
Lots of yummy things happening soon, you know, underworld is coming in the 20th, I need to add links to them on my music section. I'm happy, healthy, doing well in all of my other classes, and the whole RA job thing is going pretty well, too. For those of you who don't know yet, I'll be transferring to Denton Hall next year, since they're making it a University Honors Building, and they need Honors RAs, so I suppose I'll be in there helping shape the whole thing...so all of you people who are coming to Maryland and are in UHP, then I might be your RA next year...we'll see. Other than that, I picked up the job as a First-Aider in the computer labs, and all I have to do now is pass my test, and I'm in! Let's see, what else....I think that's basically it.
I need to talk to Bridget more. We had a really good conversation yesterday, and I think I help her in the search to find herself as much as she helps me express myself. It's a good thing, maybe we should talk more-it's really nice talking to someone about spiritual matters for a change, someone that holds on to some christian roots, catholic as she might be. Spirituality is indeed a confusing topic, but hey-that's the point, is it not?
My dearest Katie will be leaving me soon. No, I'm not particularly unhappy-at least not now. She's going to go to East Carolina University in the fall, something on the order of 300 miles from here. Before you start apologizing profusely and feeling sorry for me, understand that I'm not upset. Not now. Save your apologies and sympathies for next fall, when I might need them, but hopefullty even then, I won't. But right now, everything is wonderful, and I'm very happy with everything I have...Katie's possibly one of the best things to come through my life, and even for my complaining, I love her dearly, and that's the end of that.
Well. Other than that, I suggest you watch this space...Millennium's Child is running out of space, so I'll be expanding across different servers, and creating something completely different...with Millennium's Child at the core. Don't blink.

Thursday 18 March 1999 - 2:35AM EST
Okay, I couldn't resist. Tim was right-all social groups are somewhat exclusive, but point in case, people like this are why: I heard of this guy, he's really into underworld and orbital, crystal method and some of the other bigger name electronica/rave names, but fave: DJ Dado(probably the ONLY DJ in the business who doesn't deserve the DJ in front of his name) I laughed my ass off when I heard this. Oh baby, rock that X-Files theme. See, his first mistake was saying that The Orb sucked. Oh man-he can't possibly be electronica/rave if he's saying that but he can say he likes DJ Dado...the respect went screaming out the window. And the other thing-this is perhaps why ravers shun people like this: he's one of these people : "Yeah, I'm underground, I like Crystal Method, and I've heard "Born Slippy" once, so I'm an underworld fan, and I heard "Halcyon and On and On," a couple of times, so I like Orbital.....yeah-i'm all that. Clubbing? Well, I went to Dinosaur's once."
people like that get NO respect...those of us who are either the real thing, or are at least trying to approximate(I'll be modest, I have much to learn). The way I figure it, this person's never been to Buzz, probably never heard of BasiK or Evolve..or Axis...wouldn't know what to do with a pair of glosticks...doesn't know who DJ Quicksilver or DJ Shadow are-doesn't know who DJ Spooky or Paul Van Dyk or Man With No Name are....but is still willing to roll with the underground rave thing... Like me? My ass he's like me. Oh, you the average person doesn't have to understand what I'm talking about or even know the people I named-I mean, this isn't about "I'm so much better than you because I know underground music," this is "learn your shit before you step to the renegade master." I mean, it's one thing to not know and not try and not worry about it because it's not you-it's another to try and just...not...get it.
Raves to underworld's "Cherry Pie" for a while.....
Anyway. I suppose the trick is not to try and be something you're not...and don't try to play with the people who do-you'll get buried so fast your head will spin. And watch me bury, too-I'll just wait for the challenge. The moral of the story? If you don't want to(or you can't cut it), make room for the real thing. And that applies to everything. We're all something-don't be something you're not.
Had the nerve to say that he's better. Doesn't even KNOW me. No right at all. The nerve of some people. tsk, tsk, tsk. Anyway. Well, he likes underworld, so I suppose there's hope for him yet....he just needs some schoolin in the art, tis all. Tim and I could make him a brand new....person. I mean, I respect him, mainly because I've been in his situation a hundred thousand times...goodness knows I know what it's about, and it sucks. And I know it hurts. And I suppose I'll admit to the similarities in personality...he's like me before I went deeper into rave culture..before I saw the light, if you will. Nonetheless, the music thing had me rolling...I couldn't keep the laughter inside. Oh, while I'm talking subculture, thanks to Tim for an enlightening opinion on exclusion....you can be wrapped up inyour group as much as you like...just don't shut the door to others for stupid reasons. Tim's my buddy. We rock.(Had to plug you there, Tim)
Anyway, I've probably done enough injustice as it is-that's all I have to say(and that's all I WILL say, period) about that. It's all vented and gone now.
she's calling-she's calling from america-she's calling from america-she's surfing-she's moshing-the girls are diving-the girls are diving-the girls are doing something..animal
random underworld. You gotta expect it in this state. God I love that song.
Well, underworld is playing the 9:30 on April 20th, a Tuesday night, and screw classes, you KNOW I'm going to be there. Hell yeah. Rave out, baby. Other than that, there haven't been too many good shows around lately, but hey, there's always the CD, right?
On to another topic. Ann's right, you know, we all have spring fever...I never thought of myself as one to fall for that kind of thing, but I think I'm there this time...I've been hyper, raving in my room...in the radio station...jumping around and getting hooked on TOOL!(many thanks to Tim and Drakos, who never once lost hope that I would eventually fall for Tool hard) I've been outside more, I've been eating less and walking a LOT more...finding excuses to walk...listening to the more upbeat songs in my playlist in the daytime...triphop at night, depending on how energetic I am. That's the good thing, though-it'll all be over soon...Spring Break is right ahead, and then I'll be able to relax, have fun, and see my Katie. That's the important thing...funny, I was looking at this new website that Adam showed me...it's basically a self-refreshing online bitching forum...complaint central-I added a few of my own, actually. Go see, it's KVETCH! I enjoyed it thoroughly. But I was sitting there watching everyone complain about love, about life, about guys and about girls, about cheating and about loyalty, about reasons and about emotions, and all I could really think about was my katie..about the way she looks, the way she smiles, the way she talks and the way she kisses me. I'm really happy. I'm really lucky. And don't ever let me tell you otherwise. Dammit.
So bring it on-I'm ready. You can do nothing but empower me.

Saturday 13 March 1999 - 3:10PM EST
Remember when we were little, and they told us that all these things are bad, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes....I realized something. They are. I mean, that's not what I realized, but the trick is that all of these things in conjunction with stupid people is what makes the statisitcs they way they are, in conjunction with a society that encourages drinking to excess and smoking every day and shooting up.....put that in a pot with people who don't know what they're doing, or underage people who are too stupid to know right from wrong to begin with that of course they can't make decisions for themselves..of course it's a bad thing. I think it's come around to the point where I don't blame the substances anymore. I don't blame the drugs for finding a way into a perfectly good person's veins...I don't entirely believe the addage "don't like the drugs but the dtugs like me," it's more about the individual. There are some people I trust more than others, and I suppose that's why society comes down so hard on drugs and alcohol...it's not that there aren't people that can't handle it, it's that there are too many people who like to think they can and they really can't. THAT'S the problem. And I don't mean physically-I mean emotionally, mentally, and all that other stuff. I mean, sure, you can trip and feel fine later and be done with it, but it takes a stronger person to not do it again, or to have really done it to experiment and not to prove something. That's the caviot. Too many of us do all the crap we can get our hands on because we want to prove something to someone-to ourselves or to the rest of the world-that we can defy the morals, that we can just say yes, that we can handle it and we don't need anyone to look after us, and that we're big boys and girls. Look deep into yourself and see if you're one of those people. And then, if it starts to get scary when you're looking, and you know inside that you're not going to admit it to yourself. Then maybe you put the beer back in the fridge for the night. But on the other hand, if it's all about living, it's all about the feeling, it's all about experience and about learning something about yourself-if it's for yourself, mainly, to center yourself, to bring your psyche into a new focus-to understand the thing we spend our lives trying to justify-our humanity, then hell, trip-tell me about it later. Unfortunately, of all the people I know who have or do stuff like that, there aren't that many that fit into that category.
One could ask me, "how can you comment when you've never done it?" To which I'll easily respond that one doesn't have to jump off a building to know you go splat at the bottom-one doesn't have to shoot themselves in the foot to know it hurts. So we'll move beyond the issue of my authority to comment right now.
Nonetheless, I think I've worked out my fears and my ignorances and worked past the blind hatred that the good little boys and girls were taught from when they were knee high-I've worked past the empty words and the lack of reasoning behind "just say no," to find out what all of this around me really means. And God help me not to forget it. It's really true. You can save the world, but you can't save the people in it. And you really can't save someone from themselves-if they don't want to be saved. But then, you don't need to try so damned hard to save someone who doesn't need saving-just because they look like they do in your book. So here's to all the people who are just trying to find themselves-with that, I raise my glass.

Sunday 7 March 1999 - 10:20PM EST
Hmmm. Tonight's X-Files was all about Columbia. That was amusing. Well, I'm happy. Oddly enogh, everything is going well for me, I mean, I've applied for that job with APL, I landed that job as a first aider in the computer labs, that should be cool-I landed another award from CMPS, I've applied for a scholarship, I've landed a whole bunch of Faculty programs that are gonna rock...everything should be good, right?
Well, should be and are are two completely different things, you know? I mean, everything should be happy and wonderful and great, but there's just this one little thing....seeping sadness, I like to call it. I'm petrified, and a lot of people know why. A lot of people don't, butno need to worry about Alan, he'll be fine one way or the other....I think...I hope...maybe. I mean, I hear about tragedy in other people's lives, and it makes me want to reach out and help in any way I can...and I usually do, I mean, you probably know enough about me to understand that. Still I can't help but be happy for myself, elated at my prospects, and mournful for others..and then there's the big thing. The one thing looming at me....you know, I'm a scientist. I'm not supposed to have that much religion, but I mean, I think I've been praying more lately than I ever have before.
Anyway. Hmmm...running out of memory space on WAM...any ideas? I'm about to get an AITS account...maybe i can build a network...that'd be REALLY cool...but that'd take a LOT of time...maybe over the summer...that'll give me something else to do. Oh well. Anyway. I suppose I should burn. Talking about someof this sadness only makes me sadder....makes me afraid. But then, talking about the good stuff makes me happy....so when you see me, ask me about the good stuff, and not the bad stuff, and maybe I won't have to deal with it until I absolutely have to....or maybe not at all.

Friday 19 February 1999 - 1:26AM EST
I'm on the phone with Tiffy. Tiffy says "yay!" It's a good night, compared to all the work I have to do..oddly enough. I should be in bed or something, but I'm not. Don't ask me why...well, combined with all the work I've had to do and the paperwork that got heaped onto my desk this evening, I'm a little swamped, but overall I think things are pretty cool. The end of all of this is near. I'm going home tomorrow, hopefully a couple of hundred dollars richer. Yes, I get paid. For break duty, and for Astro department work. Yummy, huh? I get to see Katie again..that makes me happy, that's what's important to me. I miss her. I want to spend some time with her. I mean, we had a lovely Valentine's Day, no kidding, and it was a blast, although it may not have been as sophisticated as I would have liked(right Katie?) but it was wonderful anyway you look at it. By the by, Katie sent me an interesting piece of work that she did, take a look at it.
Sorry Aja, I didn't come visit you...I didn't mean to miss you, maybe this weekend? Don't be mad at me, you know I love you. Oddly enough, I'm relatively happy. I have an errand to run tonight, drop off some stuff in some people's mailboxes and so on and so forth...::sigh::..but I'm talking to Tiffy right now, and that makes me happy, having someone to talk to.
I think I'm going to try and finish this stuff up and get to bed. Yeah...sounds like a good idea.
Anyway.

Thursday 11 February 1999 - 9:51PM EST
In the history of bad days, this had to be one of the worst....things came to someting of a psychological head today.....probably with the happening of one of the most traumatic things I've ever seen in my entire life. Something in the back of my mind keeps nagging at me, telling me that it was my fault, that I had something to do with it, that I shouldn't have been where I was when I was there...that I should have held her up a little bit, made the difference in time...maybe had I not been there...maybe if I had kept her for a while...maybe if I...hell...I know full well that this isn't my fault, and there was nothing that I could have done that I didn't...I mean, I did more than I really had to, but still..I can't shake it....
and then there's more. All the contents of the little box...in the back of my mind..where I've been shoving all that pain and angst and negativity...all the bad stuff..I've been shoving it back there....it all came out today..something traumatic, I suppose...to trigger it all...and it all came out...god, I don't know how to deal with all this...maybe I should just sleep...god, please let her be okay....I've never seen blood like that before...on the ground....rich and red..it was pretty...ironic, eh, that in such a situation, I stopped to look at the beauty of her blood on the ground....I'm going to sleep now....tomorrow will be another day....

Thursday 4 February 1999 - 11:28PM EST
Captain's log, supplimental.
Nothing really to say, but I promised someone that I'd do them a little favor, and here goes:
I met someone a couple of days ago, and she's really nice, and really sweet, and we hit it off pretty well-I'm looking at a new friend here, folks-and maybe one day I'll buy some bagels from her! Wanna know who she is? Her name is Aja, pronounced like the continent of the same name..isn't that pretty? Well then-that's all I got.
Dismissed.

Thursday 4 February 1999 - 1:00AM EST
look deeply, love strongly, dance hard.
Hmmm...gonna make some tea. That's better, nothing like a hot cup of chamomile to sooth the nerves and make it all better, you know? I have to remember to relax and wind down more this semester...like right now, I'm just chillin to some jazz....I mean, I do the electronica thing, the rave thing, the hiphop thing, the triphop thing...I do it all the time...but I miss me some jazz. I love this stuff. Anyway. My tea is steeping, my cookies are yummy, and I'm very happy. It was indeed a good day. After only 2 hours of class(a guy could get used to this) I hung in the coop for a while, you know, talking to a much missed crowd, and lent Bridget my bike. She seemed to be overworried about the bike, considering the condition the bike was in, I was more worried about her. I mean after all, I just took it to the bike shop yesterday, and they told me to be on the lookout for a new or used bike....yeah. That bad. But they say it'll do well for me for a while, it's not an immediate problem...but it is terminal....so at some point, my front wheel is going to shift, lock up, and refuse to move...and it's gonna suck. Oh well, until that day...
Thanks Ann, for paying for dinner-I mean, even though the points aren't anything special to you, it was still nice of you. Dinner at Adele's...for the second time in as many years at Maryland...and I'll probably be there tomorrow night also..interesting, eh? But it was nice to be in such loving company....Bridget, Roger, Ann, Sarah,(insert woman whose name I've forgotten), Kenny, Erika, Drakos, Lauren, Carrie, PornStar(the artist formerly known as GlamRockBoy)..thanks for a really refreshing and releasing time...it was good.
And tomorrow...well...not too much classtime there, either, but who knows, maybe tomorrow will be fun, too..it was such a nice day out today, it was a feelgood day, I enjoyed it..and even the night rings with energy...I wish I didn't have to be in class tomorrow or something, I wish I could go out and dance...dance HARD...like noone was watching. But that's what Buzz is for, eh?

Wednesday 3 February 1999 - 2:44AM EST
Here's an interesting thing. I fought with two of the closest people to my heart this evening. It was...refreshing to say the least, not that it was a good experience. Funny how when the people that are closest to you are upset with you, you feel the most alone.
But then again, for another odd reason, I feel so free. I mean, I like the freedom, but I don't like the lonliness. Right now, the lonliness doesn't look like it's changing, so I don't really have anything to do with it, I've done all I can. I've said my apologies, even when they weren't required, I've bared my faults tonight...and before that, I crusaded for what I thought was right, and corrected someone else I love from falling into a pit that I pray they never do, but both times it ended in a lukewarm resolution. Niether happy nor sad, niether complete nor open-ended. Bloody hell. But it's really not that bad. I'm not upset, I'm not sad, I'm not depressed...I think probably I should be. No. I understand. I did what I thought was right. And that's something that I know I should be proud of, regardless of what happens...even if it turns out to have not been right-I did what I thought was right, and there's a LOT to be said for that. So to hell with the rest.
Although I can't say that I enjoy this strange apathy. Alas, half of it will be all gone tomorrow, at least. I should rest. I do have classes in the morning, but I really don't care, I mean, 2 hours of class, then I can come back here and nap. If I so choose. Need somethine else to do with my time. Think I'll join a martial arts group. Someone make sure I do that. Oh well. The trick is that I'm pretty happy. I mean, nothing's really wrong.....it's hard to expain, but I'm...not...sad. I don't get it...yet another confusing Alan paradox, solve it if you can, then email me and tell me your solution. Thanks. Anyways, I'll be getting to bed now, tomorrow is a new day.
Music was the lamb that made a lion out of me....