my dearest veronica…

Posted on Wednesday 8 April 2009

sense :: sight // cherry trees in the wind

…you don’t know how absolutely, incredibly right you are. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I know I had said that I wouldn’t say much more about the shakeup in my personal life, but Veronica is too on point not to share this. Let’s take a look at Type 2. Likely moved into Type 3, although I think I caught it in time. Possibly.

I don’t need to re-paste the description, but here’s what really got me:

If it were the affair I described in the second example, that’s much more than “a mistake.” It’s purposeful deception. An affair someone has with a person online, or a coworker, or some situation where sex doesn’t happen but there is an intimacy and sharing of emotions and thoughts, is a much deeper thing. The idea that your partner spent time with this person, thinking about them, planning to be with them, having conversations and secrets, laughing and crying… to me this is much more important than one drunk night where someone’s pants fell off.

Another point to be made about this, is that there is no way in hell your partner didn’t know they were breaking your heart. Whatever they say, whatever they claim, they had to know it was wrong or they wouldn’t have kept it secret. You would have been included in those long conversations or chats, you would have been invited to those meetings, if there really was nothing to hide.

This is not only a betrayal of your vows and promises, it is blatant disrespect to you as a person. They cheated with their head and their heart. To many people, myself included, this is much worse than cheating sexually.

And moving on to what hit me the hardest – perhaps the hardest since then, is her advice – advice I particularly agree with, but am very glad to see elsewhere:

The healthy thing to do is not spend time and energy and heartache on a marriage that isn’t worth it.

There are reasons as to why your mate cheated. Maybe you married young, maybe he has real emotions for this other person. Maybe she’s fucked-up, maybe he’s just a coward. Maybe the marital sex hasn’t been all that. Maybe kids, finances, illnesses, work pressures, and a million other things are involved.

The problem isn’t that “problems” cropped up.

The problem is your mate’s CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying and cheating.

A person that promises their life to you, then chooses to be a coward when the going gets tough, is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. This person demonstrated in the biggest way possible that they do not love or respect you.

And so we move on.

3 Comments for 'my dearest veronica…'

    April 9, 2009 | 6:52 am

    Thank you.
    And, I’m very sorry
    Both at the same time.

    Tim Domestique
    April 9, 2009 | 10:08 am

    I like a lot of what Veronica writes, but it’s very obvious that forgiveness is not her strong suit. I take umbrage (as a reformed cheater) that while the cheater undoubtably leaves their sig other high and dry when off cavorting/galivanting/conniving, the cheater can be made to see how much their actions have hurt, and ultimately realign their needs back onto the right track.

    veronica writes: “I think the better question is, why the hell would you? Why would you even think about taking back someone that is capable of lying to your face over and over and over again. Why would you want to be with someone whose promise means nothing? “

    the answer is, because you love them. because people are human, people are short-sighted, people make mistakes. Veronica is bascially pounding a one-strike-and-you’re-out methodology of relationships, which in my opinion leads down the road of holier-than-thou loneliness.

    April 9, 2009 | 11:10 am

    @Tim: A number of the comments over there reflect what you’re saying too – and I think she addresses them pretty well; but I think you’re in the minority there man – this makes twice I’ve been cheated on, and never has the other party really even acknowledged the pain and suffering they’ve caused, much less allowed themselves to see how much it hurts or feel a desire to come back to the table to work things out. They almost always run back to their old habits the instant it’s convenient for them, convinced that either this is their right as a “sovereign person” or that the other person “has it coming” somehow.

    That being said, I’m a little too close to this one right now though to be completely objective and see through this. After all I was able to forgive both offenders the first time, right? Regardless, I can definitely say that you’re very special and in a very special relationship and I envy you to no end.

    @Veronica: No, thank you. Like I said on Twitter – you seem to wind up writing the words I eventually live. If you see fit to ever write me an ending, do you think it could be a happy one? Or at least a majestic but tragic demise? If I were a character in your mind, I think I’d like that.

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