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Wednesday 1 August 2001 // 1314 EST Seeing: My days pass me by Hearing: Hybrid -- Finished Symphony Touching: my car keys Tasting: Wendy's crispy chicken nuggets Thinking: For all of you who have done nothing but blab on about Pepsi aliens
and whatnot, and who never listened and made fun when I told you that
Coke was the bigger company and had more plans to take over the world,
choke on this. Anyway, on to the more amusing things: This is a little flash movie about..well..you'll just have to go and see, I'm not going to spoil this one for you, and it's hilarious...but for some reason it rings a bell in me...I must go buy the tshirts... Get your own Wu Tang Clan name...me? I'm Optimistic Lyricist. I think it fits...plug in your own name and it generates something fun for you. Now go and see if the screenname has been registered yet. And finally... There you have it. Aside from the usual webcomics that I've been reading, I've been amusing myself with the occassional interesting website. This morning I discovered Visible Earth, which is more fun than you could possibly imagine. I'm actually impressed at the kind of mapping that's going on, my friend Natalie sent me...well, she sent me a lot of these,like Brushpr0n...but she's been wonderful enough to send me amusing websites to keep me busy during the day. Where she finds them, I have no idea. Anyway, here I am, nothing's doing...it started off being a perfectly good day, but as usual, that one specific thing happened that throws it off all the time-I hear the same old thing every day or I wind up in the same position every day, and it just seems like it's not worth dealing with anymore.... comments previously edited but now presented for the world to see, heh. to be honest, it's my damned relationship. I don't even know at this point whether or not I want out of it, I don't know what I want to do, but this is how it goes: if someone doesnt have time for a relationship, then they shouldn't be in one. If they're not willing to make time for a relationship, then they shouldn't be in one, and if they're too dense to hear the signs and hear the things their partner is saying when they're in a relationship then they shouldn't be in one either. eMily tells me it's time to move on, and I don't want to believe her, but if things keep going like this I think I'll have to-I mean, honestly-I'm in the position now where I keep feeling rejected, I keep feeling like she doesn't want to spend time with me, I keep feeling like she cant say no to anyone but me, she runs around town and hangs out and has a good time and goes out to dinner and has fun with everyone but me, and when it comes to me, she can't even bring herself to say she loves me, much less muster the energy to get off her butt and come out of her apartment with me...and it's not that she's trying to seduce me, which I suppose would be different and allright in some respects, it's always "alan, come over so we can sit around and do nothing and not talk to each other and i can ignore you/talk to my friends/read a book/ignore your existance" and of course her friends aren't going to see any problems at all because she goes out with them all the time, makes plans with them all the time, doesn't bother to talk to me at all, doesn't bother to invite me out anywhere, doesn't think about me when I might want to go out for sushi too...other couples take time to themselves to do stuff with each other, and her and I? we do nothing, we sit around with all of her friends, and I'm really fed up with it, I'm just tired of sitting around doing nothing all the time, and I've mentioned it, but I suppose she's too dense to understand. The only repose I have is that she just doesn't care, that she's looking for reasons to end the relationship, that she just doesn't really care or can't see what's wrong, and I don't really want to talk about it because it'll just make things worse, since she has god knows how many issues of her own...so where does that leave me? I just leave it alone and do my own thing. If she doesn't want to act like a girlfriend and act like she's in a relationship, then I'm not going to act like I'm in one either. this concludes the comments that i was previously too modest(aka wussy) to say out-loud. We now return to your regularly scheduled journal. ...and unfortunately my current situation doesn't allow me to really say or do anything about it, for fear of just making things worse. I don't really want to rock the boat, to be honest, what with everything in my life being so tumultuous and on edge right now. I just want to escape, to be honest, to go on a soul vacation where I don't have to cry anymore, I don't have to be lonely anymore, I don't have to be let down by anyone, I don't have to deal with any of it anymore...I'm tired of being all dressed up with nowhere to go, I'm tired of sitting in front of my computer helping people debug their lives, and to be honest, I keep telling myself that I'm through dealing with fucked up people and their fucked up lives/emotions/actions/behavior, but that's never the case...it's always something or another, always someone screwing me over, always someone walking on me, and I'm really getting tired of it....I suppose the amount of rage in this post quadrupled in the past few moments. But some things I'm really through with. Like I've said many times before, I'm trying to rid myself of my gentle nature. So where does that leave us, eh? This morning I woke up with the themee to the Mouseketeers in my head, and I kept singing while I was in the shower "Mic..key...mouse!" And I have no idea why I was thinking that...I thought about all the shows I watched when I was young, like Kids, Inc. and the like, you know, those things that fool our children into that beautiful optimism that we wish they could hold on to through the years, when they're still innocent enough to look at the world around them with happy eyes, before they realize the horrible, empty, and barren world we've put them in...more reasons not to have children, in my opinion..but I remembered those programs with a kind of warmth in my heart, those shows where the good guy always gets the girl, there's always someone for everyone, the sun always rises bright in the morning, and the detective always solves the case...and a place where romance is always real, people are always sincere, and hugs and affection flow like water.... But then we grow up, and realize that places like that only exist in our hearts and minds, and we can try as hard as we like as often as we like, and we still won't be able to make those dreams a reality... I think that when we try and make our dreams come true, we always run into the people who are going to stand in our way, maliciously or not..but I suppose it's time I grew up and came to terms with it...that people in our lives never really live up to our expectations...they never really help make our dreams a reality, and ultimately we're always left alone in our own little dark places to try and crawl our way out...to try and feel that glimmer of sunlight on our skin, to arch ourselves to the warmth that we need so much, only to have it extinguished again so suddenly... Like flowers trying to grow by starlight. |