Monday 1 October 2001 // 0323 EST
Seeing: Shades of autumn
Hearing: The theme song to Enterprise
Touching: New boxers
Tasting: Chicken parmesean and fettucine
it's been a long road
I will see my dream come alive at last
cause I've got faith
i've got faith
i've got strength
I can reach
faith of the heart...
I was going to start going on about how much this evening sucked and how upset I was, but you'll never believe what happened. For some reason, the theme song to the new star trek series, Enterprise got stuck in my head, and well...it kind of stayed there...and then I started looking for it online. I was hoping to find an mp3, and I still might, but I found the entire opening and closing sequences in realplayer instead and hurried to download them. Now don't get me wrong, when I watched the pilot for Enterprise on Wednesday night with everyone else, I was astounded to hear the theme song...it was a STAR TREK series, for god sake, it should have instrumental and orchestral opening music...it should be deep and inspiring! But...it...opened with guitars...and a guy singing...lyrics?!? THE HELL!?!
And the song went on...it horrified me. I was VERY upset, I was like "what the hell is this shit??" I was so confused...but I kept watching and was actually pleased with the 2 hour pilot of Enterprise. I'd say it was somewhere between good and kick ass, and they've got my attention for a few more episodes....here's to a series that's better than Star Trek: Voyager was to start with. I'll give Voyager credit for really unique writing and good storylines later in the show, but the beginning seemed kind of lost...but that's off point. Getting back to Enterprise and it's strange theme music...Enterprise was a good show, I'm impressed. But getting back to the theme music...I was horrified all the way until today. The replayed the pilot earlier tonight, and I watched it...and the theme song stuck to me...and it grew on me...and later on this evening, as the night went from bad to worse, I remembered the theme music...and how you had to have faith of the heart...you had to have strength of the soul...I know it sounds cheesy in a lot of ways, but I started thinking about it and I started trying to look up the song, i wanted to hear it. And I've been listening to it ever since I found the realvideo clip. I haven't been able to stop....the whole sequence is just so envigorating...it's amazing. The whole sequence makes me just...thrilled. The visuals stir me back to that desire in me to go into space...the music, however...hits something in my heart...it reminds me that I have to be strong if I want to do anything, go anywhere...as a matter of fact, hell, I think I'll go ahead and share it with you.
And I'm STILL listening to it.
I think back to the people in my life now, what they mean to me and where we've been...what I miss and what I desire, where I want to go, and I have things that I wish I could say but never will...I think hard about the people that have gotten me where I am and the people who have pulled me back...where I've been and where I'm going...and I think about everything that's happened and all the things I remember...
There was you, the woman so far in my past that even your face defies my memory..you taught me who I was..you opened the doors and kept me from being afraid...you showed me what real thought was...you helped me understand what I was really capable of..you helped me find out who I was...even at such a young age...you were probably the best friend I've ever had...and I loved you more than I could ever tell you...and wherever you might be, whatever you might be doing, I hope you can feel my gratitude..I hope you can look up at the same moon I see and know that I miss you and I love you and that I'll never forget you...wherever you are..
And there was you, the one who's still there, the one who still calls and still wants to see me, the one who still thinks of me when you sleep and writhes in bed remembering me...the one I thought I would always be the queen of betrayal in my heart until I realized that the pain and anguish, the heartache and sorrow were things brought by myself on myself...don't ever forget that you did me wrong-I will never absolve you of all blame...but you never meant to hurt me, and I understand that now. You never meant to see me cry, you never meant to make me so bitter. Perhaps I'll hold on to that understanding, but the future remains unwritten...but as long as we're friends, then I have no worries. I've learned better than to expect things that may or may not come.
And then there's you my beloved, my heart, my anguish...I hate you so much but I love you at the same time...I can't stand to be without you but sometimes I can't stand to be with you...you always run away...you run so fast from everything that's at all threatening...at all emotional..anything where the stakes are a little too high for you...what the hell are you scared of, beloved? Are you afraid to take a chance? When you do, you're still so scared that you can't enjoy the benefits of the risk you're taking...what are you so afraid of? Is it me? Why can't you understand how much I care about you-how much this makes us both hurt...I can't be without blame...just as quickly as you run away from me I'm willing to confront you too quickly...but I want things to werk, I want them to be normal again, I want to be happy, and I want you...and you know this, you have to...but you're so scared...and if I could find out how to soothe that fear, believe that I would in an instant...but instead we find ourselves too bitter and too upset to even speak to each other sometimes...all for no other reason than that we love each other too much...and life is too short for that kind of nonsense. So I say it now. I love you. It matters less how you feel or even what you think, and matters more that you know.
And there's you, silly one...I remember when you slapped me clean across my face and told me you hated me. You stormed off and wouldn't speak to me for days. I took that slap the way I always saw myself taking one...my head turned to the side by my stance didn't waver..and you said you hated me and I looked back and saw the tears in your eyes and you walked away...and I felt horrible...like something inside me had died...and I was numb..too numb to be mad at you, too numb to be bitter...and now I think about you and I and all the fun we have...the things we talk about...the discussions we have...and the friendship we have...you really are special to me, and I don't ever want you to think you're not...and I'd sooner carve my heart out than hurt you like I used to...and I know you feel exactly the same way I do.
And through it all, though you may run and you may run to me, though you may reject me and though you may go back on your word, though you may betray me and though you may change your mind...I'm always here. I have this thing called continuity...funny how I'm pretty much the only constant in more people's lives than I can count...and they appreciate that, and I'm sure you do too. But here I am...and even though I may be far away, I'll always be there, and everyone, all of you...all of YOU know this. Even though it depletes me so, I'll be there...when I'm sleeping, I'll be there...it's just how I am...I still have my wings wrapped around so many of you and I don't know what that means to me. I suppose I'll have to figure it out.
But as with all things, some changes are due. I know so many people who pretend that they're different, but they're not...they pretend they've changed or that they've uncovered something truly enlightening about their lives, but they haven't...I've seen people sacrifice years of their lives for a blind concept of having found "the one" they need when all their "one" does is cause them pain...and they don't understand that true, true love is neither unrequited or earthly torture...at least not in my book. But I, I vow to turn my faults into stepping stones to get to higher ground...I want to make myself into something greater every day...I want to turn my weaknesses into strengths and my disadvantages into advantages...I will continue to be proud of who I am.
Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I've got strength of the soul.