and everything went from wrong to right

1 October 2003

Sometimes I don't really give myself enough credit. I was just thinking about that in my sleepified state this morning, after being up late setting up my new reciever(with Mo's help, thanks a million man!) and in general organizing my room and cleaning up a bit. Point being, I was up way too late, and waking up for werk this morning was like waking the dead. I forgot my alarm was set to 0645 instead of 0625 like I usually set it to, and I got out of bed, stumbled downstairs to make coffee, and then wandered upstairs to shower and everything, paying less attention to Zoids than normal, and plunged myself under the hot water, hoping it would wake me. It didn't really work, and while sleepily drying off, preparing for the morning, still sleepy. I drove to werk sleepy, I'm sleepy now. But anyway, sitting here thinking about things, I thought to myself that as much as I had problems with the reciever last night and had to enlist Mo's help, I shouldn't cut myself short so often. I try and make it out like I don't know very much about a lot of things or at least behave that way, I often don't challenge people on their notions when I don't agree or know they're incorrect, I often don't act like I'm particularly knowledgable-save at work. All of this tends to make me feel somewhat uneducated or unintelligent inside, and while I know it's completely internal, it still affects my behavior. I don't really know what to do about it aside from tell myself it's not the case and try to take the opportunity to test my own mettle intellectually as often as possible, but if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Maybe I should run for public office to prove to myself that I'm more intelligent than people-I'd be a shoo in in the brain wars with our current elected officials. Betcha I could take California from Arnold.

Anyways, back to point. I know I'm not a slouch, I know I'm no dummy, and for the most part I know my friends know this and respect my intelligence. It was this weekend riding in the car with Raevyn when she proclaimed proudly that I'm a "freeking astrophysicist" as she so gleefully put it, that I fully came to realize that you know-there's something to be said for that, and that my normal modesty at that fact had almost been eclipsed by some kind of shame. Of what breed, I don't know. I relish the fact that I can roll that fact around in my head, that I graduated with degrees in Physics and Astronomy, and now I'm pursuing IT certifications and an MBA, but I don't like to speak it very often. People who see my resume are always impressed, but I shrug it off more often than not. So if I'm impressed internally, people are impressed with me, and I've gone past being humble to being shamed, why shouldn't I take a little more pride in what I've accomplished? This is the realization I made just today.

Now granted it was pleasant realization-but it kind of came to me as a shock because I immediately felt a sense of pride in my accomplishments. I mean, some of those classes were close-in fact, a lot of them-and I didn't always succeed on the first try, but I finished, and I remember the pride in my mother and father's face when I walked across the stage in my cap and gown-last time I saw such pride was when I graduated from high school. And back then when I was still dating Katie, I remember the pride and love that was in her eyes also. It was a wonderful day and it left me with wonderful memories. All in all, it was the culmination of 5 years of long hard work, and I came out on top. And that mattered, not just to me, but to a lot of people in my life-family, friends, loved ones. I should remember that accomplishment and cherish all the ones after that and the ones I have coming in the future. I should have faith in my own abilities, in my own mental strength, in my own power, in my own intelligence. I need to have faith in myself. The alternative is unacceptable.