Sunday 1 December 2002 // 0310 EST

Seeing: Transformers Buddy Icons

Hearing: The Theme to Samurai Pizza Cats

Touching: A rather loud keyboard

Tasting:Dad's Gumbo


It's been probably one of the most wonderful and relaxing breaks I've had in a really long time…I really was due for this vacation, and the fact that I get another one in less than a month is really something to look forward to. It's been really nice to sit around the house without much to worry about, and have a good time relaxing and watching TV and just chilling out…I haven't had to cater to anyone's expectations, be annoyed at anything, I've even had time to clear my head.

The trouble with clearing your mind and getting to the bottom of things is that you have to deal with a lot of junk in the meantime, you have a lot of stuff buried under layers of dust and debris that you'd rather not deal with, and clearing it all out requires you to really analyze that and think about it, to come to terms with it, to really face facts. And while the vast majority of the junk in my mind was just that, junk, some of it required thought, some of it really required comtemplation.

Bad news first, I find, always makes the good news sound brighter when you get to it, so I guess I'll start with the bad news, although I suppose it's only really bad for me, since it spawned from my head….anyways. I was pondering one that I left behind earlier this evening. I found an old knick-knack at home of a time when we-along with some other friends-went to Adventure World(before it was Six Flags Great Adventure or whatever it is, you know, the Six Flags down the street just off the Capital Beltway) and got our pictures taken for one of those cheesy little keyring thingies, you know, where you hold it up to the light and look through it and you can see the photograph? Yeah…I looked and saw people I haven't seen in ages, or for that matter seen since, but most importantly, there was her. Long ago as it was, she was beautiful, just as I remembered her from the times when things were wonderful and storybook and our relationship was like a fairy tale. And I started to miss her. I felt kind of bad doing so, but I couldn't help it. Thinking of the good times made me regret the bad ones, wishing mayhaps we should be closer friends now but blanking on the ways to make that a possibility…wishing we were closer, or wishing even that the good times had lasted and were still here, but knowing that it was impossible. My major regret was letting things get so bad. The other feelings? Well-I'm a fond believer in the many-worlds theory, so there's an Alan somewhere out there who is still living that fairy tale, so I'll be content to leave it to him.

But truth be told, I miss the fairy tale. Partially because there's enough that I would take out of the bad times to make them good, but hindsight wouldn't be hindsight if it didn't come afterward, eh? I thought of the things she did for me, the ways she went out of her way for me, the kind gestures that showed that she really did love me, and you know-maybe it would be eaiser if I could just hate her and be done with the whole ordeal, but I can't, and that's the precise reason it tends to be difficult…that knowing that she cared, or might even still care, makes it harder to think about things without feeling a sense of loss inside. But even in my moment of nostalgia, with that keyring being among the other keychains I had from high school, I knew there's no going back, and more importantly, no bringing the past back from where it lay. The dust is scattered, I knew that even as the pangs of heartache bubbled up through me.

On a different, yet equally contemplative note, I started to think about the things I would have to do in my life currently to make myself a bit happier. I made a list of the things I would be buying in the near future, a list of things that I would need to for the new computer I'll be building, and all in all, I'm pretty pleased with the list, although I have yet to price any of it. Once I do that, I think I'll be able to fit it into my budget and work towards those goals…the downside to all of this is that I want it soon, and I won't really have a place to put it all should I decide to stay living in the house in Hanover, something I probably won't decide to do. As much as it pains me to do it, I'll probably go home, spin a few more times on my turntables there, then pack them up and stash them away before Amy comes home for the holidays and brings her rowdy, crazy friends back into the house…the last thing I need is for my thousand-dollar equipment to turn up damaged or worse, missing entirely. On top of it all, part of the reason I wanted a new computer was to record from those turntables, and I'd have nowhere to put it…instead I'll probably focus my efforts towards saving up some money and finding a one-bedroom apartment somewhere affordable where I can spread out a bit. I've already made a list of places I wouldn't mind living(based on generic location, price, and features…I haven't seen ANY of these places in person yet). It pains me to even think about moving out of the House, mainly because the guys are really cool when they're cool, and I'll really miss the companionship and the roommate feel, but I do need to live someplace a little bit cleaner, a little bit tidier, and a little bit more like a place I can call home…not to mention a place where I have a little more space to spread out. Being denied the opportunity to live in Amy's room was kind of the last straw on that matter, not that I was angry or upset, but because I knew I'd need more space, and it was starting to be obvious that I wasn't going to get it where I am now.

Visiting my parents helped me mesh this all together in my head-knowing my feelings in and out, knowing what I have to do…I do very much hate being stagnant, just gliding along doing nothing extraordinary and nothing special, and I have the strongest urge to change it, to do something, so here I sit on this powerbook, writing thoughts I'll upload at some point, making my lists and charting what I want, getting my thoughts down on paper and pondering my future. It's not really BAD news, I suppose, just not the cheeriest thoughts and not the easiest topics for me to deal with, you know?

Ah, finally. Time for the good news.

I'm happy. Whether I feel nostalgic or a little heart-achey, whether I'm troubled by what could be my future and trying to make a good thing out of a bad situation, whether I feel stagnant or pressured, harried or rushed, pushed into a decision or subtly implied, I am very happy. Things are going my way. I sit in this chair in the middle of the night, looking at Samurai Pizza Cats websites and casually glancing up on the walls, where my parents have my twin Bachelor of Science diplomas framed and hung, glancing back at the Deans Awards and College Awards I've won over the time I was in college, and I feel a sense of pride that I managed to complete something as difficult as a 5 year study in Physics and Astronomy at a school like UMCP. No, this isn't meant to make anyone else think that I'm smart, it's just me being happy that for a change, even though it was hard, and even though I thought for a while that I wouldn't make it, I did it, and the people who thought I couldn't do it can go straight to hell, the people who didn't help can go straight to hell, and the people that helped me and supported me along the way, the people who cared for me and never doubted me, the people who were there for me…to them I owe a great debt…so if you're one of those people, even if I don't speak to you now or haven't spoken to you in a long time, know that you have my gratitude and love.

Everything that's ever happened, every person you've ever met, every decision you've ever made, every chance you've ever taken or passed up, everything, brings you to the moment in time you're at right now….this very instant…and I think about that, and look back, and I'm happy. I'm happy where I am now, I'm happy where I'm going, and for the first time I have a sense of esteem that I probably didn't have as little as a few months ago, when things were more turbulent and troublesome….I have a job that pays the rent and the bills and puts some cash into my pockets so I can buy my loved ones something nice for the holidays, I'm working out to try and get in better shape and stay in shape so I can be the person I see in my head-trained and practiced in martial arts, in good health, eating well and behaving well, rested in the mornings and weary in the evenings, I'm spinning to become the DJ I've wanted to be since I heard electronica for the first time, the DJ I've wanted to be since I first pretended I had records on make-believe air-turntables(hey, you have an air-guitar, I had air-tables), I'm training to get my certifications, to be the IT professional I know I can be, learned and intelligent in the technology that fascinates me so, and I even have a long term idea for graduate school, that after my certs, I'm thinking about taking grad classes and getting an masters in Business Administration and/or Information Technology.

Plans are coming along to start a consulting firm and an e-zine in the near future…really what I'm planning on doing first is getting the respective websites up and running and then start advertising and promoting myself, that way I can try to get into those kinds of things…start to build something else for myself, clients who trust me and a readerbase who will enjoy my sites…we'll just have to see. I managed to install Dreamweaver on my work computer, so I'll have the opportunity to work on both of those at work, when I have the most free time. It'll be nice to really do something, to really make something of myself and start something special…other people keep talking about wanting to do it(primarily my roomies), but I want to actually DO it…

I have people who love me dearly and people I love…people so close to my heart they can't possibly understand what they really mean to me…people I can't even begin to credit here, but I hope they all know I love them dearly and am so glad they're close to me…the people from whom I draw strength, the people from whom I know I'm loved, the people who I love and the people to whom I give my strength…the people who really know me, who share something with me that a lot of people don't…I think about you-about those people-and I'm warm inside, I think there's nothing I can't do, nothing I can't focus myself on, nothing I can't direct my energies towards, nothing I can't make happen, and I think about those people and I know that without them in my life, life certainly wouldn't be impossible, but much more difficult and harder to bear. I'm glad for you, all of you, even when you cause me pain or frustration, even if you feel you're not in my life anymore, for you I am grateful. Such is my requiem.

I'm happy-with where I am and where I'm going…who I am and who I'll hopefully become, hopefully I'll become the me that's like the me that's inside my head…I'll live the life I've created inside my head…that IS the whole point, isn't it?