Friday 2 February 2001 // 2344 EST

Seeing: The glow in the dark stars on my walls

Hearing: Tekara -- Breathe In You(Lost Tribe Remix)

Touching: Red and Black Biking Gloves

Tasting:Arizona Iced Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey

Thinking:
The first week of classes over, a new semester begun...it's that time period where the feeling in the air is kind of new and kind of old at the same time...it's that time when people are understanding what they want and what they'll do and they're beginning to turn their minds away from classes and academics already and to other, more important things...some people think about work, some people think about partying, some people think about getting drunk, some people think about sex....whatever they think about, it's not academics. This isn't a bad thing...I'm speaking from experience, to be honest, I found that today my mind just wasn't in my physics...this would normally not be a problem, but I was so completely bored today that I couldn't concentrate on anything...oh well.

Remind me to do something about that next week...oh, and get to class earlier. Some of them we have to fight for seating. Sheesh. Insanity. Oh, and do some work this weekend.

Anyway. Today I had a lonely day, I think...thinking about the people I've been involved with and the things we did...not so much the physical things and the passionate moments, but moreso the feelings..those times when you thought the bliss would never end, if I did think about the physical moments, I thought about those moments we would lay together after we made love and hold each other so tightly that we never wanted to let go, I would think about that white dress that she used to wear, and the black boots that she wore with them the first time she lay next to me in a bed, that time we laid down together in my bed and pulled the covers up just for an amusing kick, just to feel safe with each other....and then I would think about how she(another) was always dressed so cute and how everywhere we went she was attractive...I thought about how much fun it was to walk around behind her and watch people stare at her..some of them loving her on sight, some of them hating her...about how she let me say that she was mine and noone would take her from me, even though that turned out not to be the case in any way shape or form...

And I thought about all those feelings, and some of them rushed back to me...I felt like sex and physical relationships were suddenly unappealing, and I didn't want them, I supposed to myself, while I was standing in line for a sandwich in the dining hall...I thought to myself that perhaps the reason why I've been having so much internal conflict as to whether or not to hook up with the people that it's possible for me to is because I shouldn't...I told eMily the other day that my body came with my heart...I think I should keep to that. I think everyone should have a moral code or responsibility that's hard for them to keep, difficult for them to follow, but they do it anyway...something they believe in, something they stand for...it makes you a stronger person.

So I'd love to sleep next to someone...I just don't think I have to sleep with them to have that privilage...it's amazing how everyone's mind is on sex and you notice it when your mind isn't...it's the way people are, I suppose, no discounting it, nothing bad about it...it's just not my mood right now. Maybe someday. I'd love to find someone to share all those things with, but I spend my time and energy elsewhere, and I think that's healthy too. Someday.

I don't really know where I was going with that, but I'll nip it now, since I've got no more direction...I think it was cathartic the way it was. So with that, I'll make another set of duty rounds, and be done with the evening...maybe I'll be able to get some work done tomorrow.