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2 March 2004

One thing I can truly say I miss about my old job is the very close-knit sense of camraderie, that feeling that even when everyone from the customers to the management are out to get you, at least you all have one another; that's not something I really have here, not because the people aren't that social, but because the management isn't out to get you and while some of the customers might be, there just aren't enough of us in one place to allow for that kind of strong emotional support. You're essentially on your own a lot of the times. Which isn't too bad because I deal with far fewer clients in general than I used to get on the phone at the last place, but times like yesterday when they get belligerant or make demands of things that aren't possible, it makes it difficult to just let that kind of thing roll off your back. Regardless, you have to, or it'll wind up eating you alive. I think I'm finally past the point here where I have to behave like the new guy, and I'm sure I'll be past it when my intro period is up. I like this job, I really really do, and I don't want it spoiled by either my lack of organizational skills or some hard-nosed person who's asking something I can't do and then blames me for the limitations of the technology. I refused to feel anything about that when I was working at my old job, and I refuse to do it now. At the old place I had an extra shield between me and the client, mainly the telephone, a shield I don't have here, but I think all in all that'll make me a stronger person. This makes it all that much more important to go into each situation with a steady hand, a firm disposition, self-confidence, and the knowledge that not only can I do what needs to be done, I have what it takes, and I'm not going to take other people's crap for anything. I'll be helpful and everything, but I don't need to kiss butt. I refuse, no matter how new I am.

I should have thought all of these things to myself when I started the new job(I felt like some kind of emotional prep was missing, but I think that was natural what with all I've been going through recently), but I'm glad I have it now. Now all I have to do is get a haircut, press my shirts, and get down to business. Sheesh, a haircut. I don't think I'll be able to actually get one for a couple of weeks. That kinda sucks.

As an aside, I've been feeling more and more upbeat lately. It's possible that it just has to do with the ever-increasing and stabilizing amount of sleep I've been getting, or with the contentedness I've had with most aspects of my life(werk, school, love, etc), but there's this general sense in my life that I'm starting to settle in to something good and solid and something in which I'm happy, and on top of it all I made all of these things happen for myself. That's the key-I didn't sit back and let these things happen to me, I didn't wait for the wonderful things to come to me; I went out and got them, I did them, I saw them through, and that in itself is not just a boost to the good old ego, it's thrilling, it breathes life into a stale sense of self-confidence.

So the battle against the clock is going well, the war to regain my life is all but won, but it's an ongoing battle, with the forces of deadlines and insecurity always knowing when you're weak and knocking on your door, but it's a war I'm more than willing to fight because it means the difference between a contented and happy life or a hurried and miserable one, and I know all of us would choose the former over the latter.

Now, about that haircut.