Saturday 03 March 2001 // 0506 EST

Seeing: Her short hair...

Hearing: MKL -- Surrender

Touching: Radioactive Isotopes in the Physics Building

Tasting:Danny's Pepper Steak

I don't believe she cut her hair....but then again, I pretty much knew she would, I suppose I hadn't convinced myself. What strikes me as even more odd is exactly how fucking gorgeous she is with short threw me off...a lot. I looked at her and she was so happy and so beautiful that it made my heart tiwnge and it brought back a few of those feelings that I remembered from a while ago....some of those feelings that while they never completely and totally went away, I was doing a really good job of keeping them supressed like any normal person could, with the exception of being mean here and there to vent the frustration...that's right, I know what I'm doing. People tell me I'm being mean or I'm being jealous, well, I probably know if I am and I probably know exactly how well I'm covering it up or if I am at all, I just like the challenge of making you believe that I don't know what I'm doing. It's not always the case, but usually. Alas...I digress.

She's beautiful. I mean, amazing...and I literally fell over myself, I felt like at 16 year old boy falling for someone all over again, and I suppose that's kind of what I did. I can't be this way all the time, though, I can't go on like that because I doubt she really wants that kind of attention from me, but sometimes I really can't help it...I had just kind of gotten used to how she looked and tried to pretend that she wasn't that attractive or as attractive as I had found her a few months ago, but it kind of fell on it's ass tonight. That's girl number one. I'm not in love, don't get me wrong, I'm very touchy about how I use that word now, or that phrase "in love," but I care about her a lot, and I feel like I fell for her again...::sigh:: what's a boy to do?

Girl number two. Walks in and stays a while, and the whole time I really had forgotten how attractive she was...I had tried to not think about it or not to let it show, but I remembered what drew me to her in the first place, I remembered how wonderful she was and how attractive she is, on the inside and the outside...I missed her laugh and I missed her smile, I missed the curves of her body and how calm and happy we were around each other...there was little to no real romantic element in the air, the occasional "I know your past better than you do sometimes" glance across the air at each other, but that's entitled to happen...but just how comfortable we are around each other is a good thing and it was refreshing. I remembered how beautiful she was too...and how much I loved her...and how much I do love her. At the same time it was kind of depressing because I was looking at and amazed by the very person who was mine some time ago, and I was remembering how wonderful it was when we used to lay together and smile at each other and giggle in our sleep because we were so happy to be around each other...and at the same time I remember how we used to fight and how we used to argue, and the thought flew across my mind as to whether or not those things would happen again if we tried things again, and then I came back to the present and back to reality, content to let that fantasy play itself out in some alternate universe...I needed to focus on my own. Girl number two's boyfriend is probably one of the most lucky guys I've ever met...yet he breeds so much hostility towards me for no reason...I wish I could allay his fears, but if he trusts her so little that this is how he is with her, then it's obvious he doesn't realize exactly how lucky he really is...and, like me, he won't until it's too late. I suppose it's the fate of all of us. But again, I digress.

She was fabulous too. The whole night went by and we sat with our books and got our work done and we talked and laughed and ordered food and commiserated with the people who randomly stopped by and made new friends and talked and were mean to people, and it was fun and I found myself wishing that she would stop by more often-if fo no other reason than to do her was good to see her and it was nice to hug her and hear her voice. I like it when people come to visit me. But that's aside from the point. I suppose the point is that I really do love her, and I always will, and she'll always have a special place in my heart. And I really hope that she gets around to reading this, because I wouldn't know how to say it if I had to tell her.

eMily drove me to Terrapin Trader today, I was looking for a new such luck, I found a crapload of macintosh monitors, but I really don't use my Macintosh enough to warrant buying a 17-inch Applevision monitor for it with speakers attached for 125 dollars. It's dirt cheap for an apple monitor of that size and scale, but I really don't need it....I need a PC monitor more, and if I have to pay 125 for a cruddy ex-wam-lab monitor, I may as well pay 170 for a new one off the shelf with a warranty and everything. So no such luck at Terp Trader. Perhaps I'll try the Maryland State Surplus store over Spring Break. That'll be sweet, who knows what I'll manage to pick up down there. Wanna come with me? Shoot me an email, I don't really want to go alone.

The show today rocked my butt, I took some chances, played some new stuff, and most importantly, I made a recording. So if you're interested, look me up. The Solar Twins remix of Rockin The Casbah really threw me, I was happy about that.

More important news-I'm going to Miami over Spring Break! I just have to borrow some money from my parents, and I'm going down for Ultra3 2k1 in Miami...everyone who's everyone is gonna be on the list, now all I have to do is email the promoters and see if I can manage to hook something up with them, anything will do, or nothing will do, it doesn't really matter, I'm going anyway! But they might be willing to hook us up with..well..anything, I don't know what to expect, really. We'll see. It's gonna be a phattie road trip, and I'm all about it, and I'll be going with the wonderful woman with short hair...::sigh::...but anyway. It'll be a hell of a trip and I'm looking forward to it..check out the info, let me know what you think!

With that, I think I'd better write that email. Take care, kiddies.