Wednesday 3 October 2001 // 1709 EST
Seeing: Cosmology notes
Hearing: Vertical Horizon -- Everything You Want
Touching: Big new headphones
Tasting: Grocery store sushi..not as good as fresh.
I never get enough sleep.
God things are so fucked up. I'm not really upset or downtrodden or anything, but things are just so fucked up right now it's wierd...I never thought I'd be in this position at all in my entire life, but here I am, right where I thought I'd never be....now I have to make the decision between ethic and desire, and who knows which one I'll choose. I've never been good at that kind of thing, and hell, I know I'm the type to get them confused sometimes. Regardless, here I am, things all fucked up around me, ironically enough with my hold on myself being the only thing I've got a pretty firm grip on lately, and that's even getting weaker and weaker with the less sleep I get. Today was hellish at werk, it was so busy and I didn't get any studying done(turns out the prof for my cosmology class-in which I have an exam tomorrow-was going to put the notes online, but instead he just gave us HUGE packets...I was hoping he still had them online, but no) and I want to do well on this exam tomorrow...way to sneak an exam up our asses, prof...ugh. And then you ever have those days where everyone you know has absolutely nothing nice to say to you, or worse, nothing at all? The people that have spoken to me today have had nothing nice to say, they all need something from me, or they're just straight mean and bitchy...or worse, the people who refuse to speak at all and just go on like I don't exist. I love those kind. My buddylist could really do with some trimming, I think.
Anyway-thank Gaea for the people who really do care about me-I really do need to thank Lisa...she stops by werk every monday and wednesday when she's on her way to class, chats with me just long enough to get that fluttery feeling in my stomach that someone actually cares about me, give me a fre crush hugs, and then scurry off to class and let me get to werk..it's good to have a warm body to hold in the middle of the werkday when things are so hard..now i see why so many people come home for lunch and things and then go back to werk.
See, I'm so used to being utterly and completely replaced, and then being either lied to or not told about it, or ignored, or having someone's feelings change for me so spontaneously that I almost expect it from people-I don't really expect affection from anyone anymore...I don't really expect honesty, I don't expect compassion, I don't expect anything really....unless I let you in, and that's usually my mistake. I don't know why I do it, maybe it's one of those psychological things, but I tend to let in people that I should know will wind up hurting me in the end...but I keep doing it anyway. Maybe it's just who I am, maybe it's a flaw, maybe I really don't know and I keep searching for answers. The one thing I know to be absolutely sure is that it's not something I can afford to dwell on.
Got an exam tomorrow, studying to do, an assignment to write, and a crapload of other stuff going on. No time to think about the petty shit, and yes, that might mean you.
Besides...Enterprise is on tonight.