Tuesday 4 July 2002 // 1612 EDT

Seeing: Cat hair everywhere

Hearing: Peter Gabriel and Deep Forest -- While The Earth Sleeps

Touching: My steering wheel

Tasting: nothing...I'm so hungry...


And again I wind up slinking into the shadows, back from where I came.
This July 4th I should be celebrating my independance. I don't know exactly how much independance I'll be celebrating, or independance from what exactly, but I imagine I can rest assured in the fact that I can celebrate our collective independance from the evil threat that is the british monarchy...oh wait...
Okay, I should be fair, this independance day has some special significance because of the terrorist attacks on September 11th that we all too fondly remember, but I have to stop sometimes and look at exactly how far we've come from then and what changes we've made since then, and while there have been some serious strides in the areas of security and keeping the american public safe, I still don't see anyone addressing the root causes of terrorism...I suppose it's too controversial to try and reach out to people and show them that they have nothing to fear from the united states(especially if they really do) and much easier to threaten to blow them away and try and build up the fences that are our borders into a fortress...not that we didn't think that it was before.

I apologize for my cynical attitude, but I fear that we're headed in the wrong direction, and when something happens again, we'll all sit around and wonder "but what about all of this security that we put in place? What about the new Office Of Homeland Security? What about these new rules and regulations? Why have they failed us?" And I wonder if people will finally start listening when they're told that that wasn't the way to go about it in the first place...

In the meantime corporations are collapsing, taking people's lives with them, executives are running away with billions of dollars in their pockets and getting slapped on the wrist for destroying the lives of hundreds of people, and the sun rises in the morning and I get up and go to werk, hoping something similar doesn't happen to me, trying to play the game of life, making myself as financially stable and secure as quickly as possible so I don't have to play that game. In the meantime, at least I have a job I like.

Oh yeah, I suppose you weren't around for that whole thing-spinning at the Edge was a good time, as I expected it to be, I mean, it started off kind of rocky and all, I was so nervous I couldn't keep my hands from shaking, and I accidentally started with the wrong track(which straight blew, but I managed to keep it going), but by the middle and the end, I was into it and I think I was doing a pretty good job, all in all...everyone seemed to like it, people danced, and Ty really liked the set...now a little more time and I'll have the money for my tables...thanks to Dave(Crisis) for training me and everything, prepping me for weeks before the event...I was at the point where I would head down to his place something like 3 times a week to practice and put my set together, and if I hadn't been able to and if he hadn't helped me, I wouldn't have done nearly as well as I did. Aside from some minor unpleasentness at the end of the night, the whole thing went well. I can't say I'll ever go back to the Edge again, but that's a different issue.

Then I got a job. Three interviews in one week, which was rather amusing, but I took the first thing that came along, since he made the job offer at the end of the interivew-it's not like I could have waited, I did need the money. The job is good and all, causal dress, macintosh technical support, you know the drill. It's a lot like my old job, and it just so happens that my mentor is the guy that used to be the senior Macintosh Specialist at OIT when I was a freshman in college...I work for Absolute Quality Inc, and right now I'm about just more than halfway through my 16 days of training(read: ugh)...I'm thrilled with the job, it seems like a nice place and I don't really hate getting up in the morning and going to werk, which means a lot to me. Sure it might not pay as much as some of the other places that wanted to interview me, but sometimes the money isn't everything...and sometimes you have to think about how likely you are to stay there a while. The place pays pretty well, and by that I mean more than I really need to get by, and it's a comfortable, friendly atmosphere...not as competitive and cutthroat as the tech industry can be.

Aside from that, I'm living in this house, where nothing that needs to get done gets done and the place is constantly a mess and I'm living with juveniles. I mean, for the most part everyone here has their heart in the right place, but some of them really have no semblance of maturity whatsoever...I feel like I landed in some sitcom drama about a strange family and their kids, rather than having moved into my own house. I suppose that's what I get for moving in with Rob, his brother, and his sister, shortly after their mother moved out. The place is littered with her stuff, and the cats that were supposed to be gone before I got there are still here. It's taken us months to go grocery shopping(which I'm fed up with and doing on my own), and the place is straight disgusting sometimes...the dog is small, ugly, and mean, and while it's managed to get used to me, it still shits on the floor sometimes....the stuff that needs to be out of here hasn't left yet, and every time I ask about it, the answer is "soon," or "next week," or something along the lines of never....I don't really regret moving in here, but I do think that as soon as I'm financially capable, I'm going to want to move into my own place, especially if things don't get better. Everytime I ask about something it's always "yeah that's a good idea" or "yeah we should do that," but it never gets done. Maybe I'm just nitpicky, but sometimes I really do wish I just had my own space and that would be that. I do think things will be a bit better when Jas moves in and Amy moves out to go to college, but that's a throw of the dice in itself, who knows what'll happen. Sometimes I feel like sinking my own money into getting the things done around here that need to get done, but it seems like everyone's priorities are in the wrong place...sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who seems intent on making this house a home...or the only one who's used to living in a clean, orderly environment and wants to make this something like that. I could make a laundry list of things on my mind, but I won't waste the space. I'll just keep talking and seeing what happens, and if nothing changes, then it's probably time to move out and find my own place....I was kind of planning on doing that in the first place, but this seemed like such a wonderful opportunity...oh well.

The days are long and the nights are short, and I never feel like I get enough sleep, but I manage to get up and go to werk every morning...I'm the only one in the house with a job, much less a life, Dave(Rob's brother) is always awake when I get up to go to werk, when I get home from werk, his schedule is upside down, but I suppose the middle of the night is the best video game time. Rob just lost over 4000 dollars in WorldComm, so he's looking for a job but doesn't really want one, and Amy...well...yeah. She's...anyway. So the point being, I get up in the morning, go to werk, come home, make some dinner, etc...the routine wouldn't be so bad if I weren't the only person in the house who had a life...and if the place felt at all like home when I got back...instead it just feels like another stressor in my life...I walk through the door and the stupid little dog comes running up thinking I'll feed him and I wonder "what am I going to have to deal with now?" So I go upstairs and check my email and think about dinner and eventually retreat to my room where I can find some kind of solace...

Okay, I'm being unfair. It's really not that horrible, it's just kind of stressful and annoying, I suppose like any roommate situation would be. I, for one, am doing pretty well, I'm just in a kind of draining situation, and I'm not even talking about werk...I keep wanting a fresh start and keep forgetting that every day is the chance for one, it's just hard to make a fresh start and change the things around you when the things around you refuse to change or even be cooperative. But I swear, I'll have my way.

In the meantime, things are good otherwise...I see people around me falling apart, I see others around me failing to grow, and I look inside myself and see my own failures, and I wonder about them...I see my friends making the worst decisions of their lives, I lose touch with other friends and wonder how they're doing, I regret leaving some of them behind even if I knew I had to, and I look around at the people who surround me with a loving(but pensive) eye, and look ahead to what might happen with the same optimism that you've all probably come to expect from me. Some people leave you behind when something new and more interesting comes their way, and I suppose I should have come to expect that, some people just refuse to communicate with you at all, and some people you just have to put behind you...some people stick with you but never change, never grow, never get older, some people are just annoying...but through it all you have yourself, and your strengths and your own weaknesses and you have to do something about them...it's kind of like working on your own car just because you can't work on your neighbor's, which is really broken...

I suppose, again, I could make a laundry list of all the things I'm discontent with, but I'm more tempted to make a list of the things I am content with, just for optimism's sake-but in reality I'll do neither and hope things iron themselves out, even with that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me they probably won't unless I do something about them. Oh well. Such is life, eh? If everything were perfect, I'd have nothing to strive for. In the meantime, another weekend is coming quickly, maybe I can make something of it. As for today? Happy Fourth, and I think I'm going to find something to eat.

Remind me to update more often.