Thursday 5 July 2001 // 1232 EST

Seeing: Teardrops on my pillows

Hearing: Coldcut -- Autumn Leaves

Touching: Cleaning utensils in Girl's apartment...because noone else uses them

Tasting: Rainbow Roll

I need to get drunk. I really need to get drunk. And high, maybe, then maybe people will accept me for who I am, if I'm more like them. I'm tired of being judged by who I'm not, what I don't do, how I'm different. I'm fucking tired of it, and all it makes me want to do is curl up and be myself until I find people who can really appreciate me, can really appreciate who I am and all the possibilities I have inside me, really appreciate how I'm tired of sitting cooped up in one place doing nothing every night and I need to get out and DO things, SEE things, EXPERIENCE things, because I don't have a lot of time to do it...I'm going to be out of college soon and then I'll have to worry about things like the real life, and this is probably my last summer vacation, although it's feeling now like less than a vacation and more like a stage play, what with all the fucking drama...the only people who are willing to talk to me about anything anymore are my friends, people I can trust to talk to me about how I feel, tell me whether or not I'm right or I'm being stupid, whether I'm overreacting or I'm right on the money, whether I know what I'm talking about or I'm just being too sensitive. All of those are always possibilities, I'm a moody person, one who always wants things to run smoothly, but when things get to me, they get to me, and there's really nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of apologizing to people I care about for how I feel, how I live, how I am. I'm tired of everyone making me feel guilty for who I am.

I want a crazy love, one that comes apart at the seams
To borrow the line from the song....I want the kind of love where you're secure enough to know that they'll be there tomorrow, but you realize that tomorrow isn't given, so you dare not go to bed angry, you dare not fall asleep without letting them know you love them, even if all hell is breaking loose. Maybe I'm asking for too much, maybe I'm being immature, maybe I just need to chill out and sit in the grass and stare at the sky for a while...I haven't done it in a long time...I haven't done anything introspective or anything enlightening in a really long time. I've been spending my days at werk, my evenings napping, and my nights doing a whole array of ridiculous things, and while I have fun doing them, it's not as fulfilling as I suppose I really want it to be. Once I get a little bit of money, I think I'll be a happier boy.

I'm putting myself on a budget, I make enough money every payday to send about 200 dollars per paycheck off to the credit card company and still have a good amount of money to chill and relax with, and if I do that every two weeks, then I should be happy and have my card paid off in no time. And I need to invest in happier, free things, like spending days in the park or making a picnic lunch or just going for a drive somewhere I've never been...sitting in the library and reading a book or browing secondhand or used bookstores...walking around pretty places and not caring what anyone thinks of me, not caring what people say...and I definitely need to spend more time at some turntables...spinning makes me feel good about myself, dancing used to, but I haven't had a really good time at a party in a long time, so I'm kind of scared to go out very often anymore. But spinning, horrible as I am at it, makes me feel be able to create something, to make beautiful music, that makes me feel good, it makes me feel like I'm putting something beautiful into a world so full of horrible things and horrible people...

I really need to make the changes that will make me happier. Girl and I are having a bit of trouble right now, I'm really not happy at all, but it has less to do with our relationship and more to do with who we are and how we interact, but the thing is that I have no problems at all with HER, I love her to death and I hope to hell she reads this, and that, over all else, is what's important to me, but I just hate having to live feeling guilty about who I am, the decisions I make, and I hate feeling isolated because of them, because I'm different..I spent my whole life feeling that way, maybe I'm destined to do it again. The caviot, as far as I'm concerned is that I'm a very negotiative person-I like to talk about my concerns and air them out, I like getting feedback, I like discussion, and while not talking about something and leaving it along may seem like it avoids argument, it does nothing but leave things alone, doesn't change or help anything, and lets it fester until it's something really serious, and I don't like that thought at all...maybe I just need to find someone to talk to about everything, just to vent for a while, I suppose.

But I love her, and that's what makes it so hard. If I didn't give a shit about what she thought of me, if I didn't care whether or not she cared, it wouldn't matter to me at all.

It's such a beautiful day outside, I just want to go outside and play, I want to go frolick and lay in the sunshine and forget about all of it..I want to listen to some music, go shopping, buy myself something nice for a change that isn't gas or food, and relax...enjoy a mocha freeze or something yummy, some summer treat, and just let it all evaporate along with the sweat on my skin.

I wrote a poem last night, I think it came to me in a dream a long time ago, but until last night I had forgotten the last two lines, but the full moon in the sky reminded me:
forced to live, born to die
born to fail, doomed to try
and like tonight when the moon shines high
i pray my soul might touch the sky....
I normally don't write rhyming poetry, but this one just seemed to reflect the right amount of hopelessness and helplessness and yet the fact that against it all we have to keep going, keep trying, because giving up and just letting it alone isn't really an option.

Unnecessarily horrid and angry parts edited...

...Editing complete

I think I need to listen to some Lamb. I haven't heard Gorecki or Cottonwool in a really long time.

I think I'm having a horrible day...werk has been rather difficult lately, which is a polite way of saying I'm having a computer-smashing-idiot-killing day at werk, and I really just want to go home. Maybe I'll get the opportunity to head out a bit early. I'll get home, go to bed, sleep it off, and before I know it, the day will be over and it'll be tomorrow, and I can do something completely different. I'm thinking that I'll hit that LakeTrout show tomorrow night pretty late, and Saturday I'll go up to the LAN party that the boys are throwing, stay there Saturday and Sunday, have a good time. What I'm doing Friday is anyone's guess, to be honest, I thought I had plans, but who knows now.

I think I just need a drink.