in the midnight hour i can feel your
8 June 2004
I wonder if I've become a little too materialistic. I've been fretting about money a lot these past several weeks even when there isn't much to fret about, and I've been stressed about planning for the future even though the present is here, waiting for me to take advantage of it. I've been worried I don't have enough in my bank account but all of my bills are paid and my needs are met, I've been worried about paying off student loans and I'm two years out from finishing grad school. I look around my apartment at all the awesome gear I own and think happily to myself that I'm finally the geek I've always wanted to be-the audiophile, the videophile, the technophile, the person who can turn off all the lights in his apartment and still find his way around thanks to all the dotted power lights of various dormant electronics around his bedroom and living room. I'm very pleased, outright happy, but I wonder if I've gotten to be a bit too materialistic in that regard, accustomed to worrying about having cash on-hand so I keep worrying about it even though there's little to worry about-constantly pondering the next big expense and whether I'll be able to deal with it, to the point where I fear I'm not enjoying the things I've worked so hard to obtain now, the least of which being peace of mind and a sense of security in my existance, material or otherwise. I regale Raevyn with stories of my past, prefacing them with statements like "a long time ago," but when I get to thinking about them I realize they were only a couple of years back, if that. Remembering times when I lived in the group house fondly as though they were yesteryear and all of those same people weren't only moments away from my apartment, telling stories of the fun I've had seeing my old friend Tim lately but worried that my inability to hang out would bother him, telling her stories of the times we look back on and remember how different people we were, even if those different people were reflections of ourselves days, weeks, or months ago.
I suppose it's really about actually calming down and relaxing, something Raevyn's been trying to get me to do lately, not to be so worried about whether this will work out or that will work out, whether one thing will be okay or another. The important things will be taken care of and I'll do just well with them, probably because as I've always said: the alternative is unacceptable. She's in a similar situation-where it'd be easy to panic and be frightened and scared, and it's a thin line between steadfastly dealing with each new battle as it comes up and losing it, but she's holding the line and can use all the support she can get, and I'm holding the line too on my own front and need all the support I can get. So here we are, back to back, trying to not only deal with the challenges that life has thrown at us in the present moment, but plan for the future as well as live complete and full lives day by day. It's not difficult, but it's not easy either. It's just a constant battle that keeps both mind and body active and requires some sense of alterness by both.
Regardless, it is important to me to keep busy-not just busy for busy's sake, but doing things that make me happy, that I feel enrich me, and then finding ways to branch out into other things, other endeavors, that I feel enrich me also. Some of that starts with making the best use of my time: even during those boring moments at werk finding something productive or fun to do with the time. And that extends to home as well-spinning more often and doing the little creative things I want to do around the apartment, getting out for walks and cooking more, all the things that make me go to bed at night and say "wow, what a full day." I'm tired of being bored, and I know for a fact that I'm interested in and talented at enough things that I should never have to be. So. Only thing left to do is get to it.