Saturday 8 July 2001 // 0342 EST

Seeing: My darkened room on a friday night

Hearing: Sarah McLachlan -- Elsewhere

Touching:My clothes on the floor, waiting to be worn again

Tasting: Donuts and cookies

Thinking:
You know, I think you can tell a lot about a relationship by the way you lie with the person in bed. When you're all cute and curled up and snuggly? You ever notice that in the movies the guy always sleeps on his back or just lies on his back and the girl is always on her side curled up against his side, trying to press as much of herself against him as possible? This is, of course, usually after sex or something like that, but the point is still valid-it's made plainly obvious that the guy is the controlling factor in the relationship and that it is clear of the woman to provide affection to him, regardless of how he might behave. I think that even though the logic was derived from the movies, I think it's kind of the same with any relationship, I mean, I can use all of mine as examples, I suppose, of the times I've spent in bed with other people, whoever is trying to snuggle with whom obviously is the dominant person at the time. And when I come to conclusions like this, it's hard for other realizations not to follow. I mean, for example, guys in general are expected to be the providers of attention, they're expected to be there when their significant others want affection or love, and they're supposed to provide them with that-there's nothing wrong with that, I think that's the way it should be-but isn't it odd that women aren't expected to do the same? I think it's because men are suppposed to be so emotionally cold and independant that they should have no reason to want anyone to pay attention to them, to hold them, to tell them that they love them, and in turn they should never ask or make it known that they want such things...so it's socially against stigma for guys to be emotional, we knew this already, but it's engrained in our psyches, it's part of our everyday behavior, and like most things, if we find someone who goes against the grain, they are made to go with the flow or made horribly uncomfortable for being different. That seems to be a constant in our society, being made uncomfortable or forced to change because you're different, but that's another topic. Back to my point, I think that all of it boils down to how you lay with your loved one when you're snuggling. If you're a guy, and you spend all of your time trying to curl up to the woman you're with, she's probably colder and less affectionate than you care to believe, and you're probably in for a shock when you try to get affection out of her-it's your job to dispense, not to intake. If you're a girl and you're always curling up to the guy you want, not only are you typical of male-female pattern relationships, your guy is probably just as cold as he should be(but maybe not so) and you'll probably eventually get tired of "giving and giving and giving" so much of yourself. Interesting conundrum, I think-very applicable.

So it figures that the one week I was all gung ho about putting myself on a budget and doing the things I wanted to do and having some spending money is the one week I get the wussy paycheck. I barely have enough to pay bills and do a few things here and there, but I'll have to scrape for it. I hate being financially unstable, but then again, what's a 21 year old college student to do? We're all broke, and werk is only going to start really paying me in two weeks on my NEXT paycheck. Speaking of which, I should probably cut the checks for my bills. Heh. If I blather more about money and whatnot, I'm sorry, I thought it would be over this week too.

So here I am, another Friday night that I'm completely and utterly alone. Last friday I wasn't alone in person, but this friday I have the pleasure to say that I am. I thought I might have plans for the evening, but I couldn't afford the Laketrout show, and noone's around, so here I sit, in my room, reading It's Walky! from back to front, catching up on something like 5 years of archived comics because I have nothing better to do and nowhere else to go. I suppose I could have called someone earlier and tried to hang, I could have done a lot of things, but I didn't. And now I'm lonely and I blame everyone BUT myself. Sue me, it's a pessimist's perogative to find fault with the world before he'll find fault with himself. Speaking of which, someone told me once that "whenever you feel that the world has forsaken you, look more closely, it is often you who have forsaken the world." I'm trying to remember that lately, I think it's kind of applicable to my life the way it's been the past few days.

I haven't dragged out my Lamb cds yet, even though they're currently no more than three feet from me right now. I think I'll do that after this post.

So I was planning on going to a LAN party this weekend, friends, fun, video games all night, but I realized that one, I don't have the money to spend on the stuff I would want to take with me(blank cd-rs, snacks, etc), I would probably be going so I could get copies of games that OTHER PEOPLE have asked me for-and while hanging out with all of my friends offsets that, I'm very much worried that I would be going for these other people and not for myself to relax and have a good time(makes me think i should just wait for the next LAN party that I PRAY they'll have and I can go and have fun just for me), but to take the cake and completely make any decision for me, my car is going in the shop tomorrow to get something fixed, probably the tailight...too bad it's not the air conditioning...I'm getting tired of doing rush hour traffic home from werk every day with the windows down, it still gets hot when you're only moving at fifteen mph...but the point is that I don't know when the car is coming out of the shop, so it's looking like a quiet weekend at home for me. Not really what I wanted, but I don't really have any choice. Girl doesn't have a car, so seeing her is out, not like I think that would have happened anyway, and just getting away isn't an option either. Looks like lots of video games for me. I would even consider going to werk on the weekend, sitting in a WAM lab and making some extra cash, but I don't know if I'll have a car. Maybe if it gets fixed early.

I'm still trying to dispense with my gentle nature.

Sitting at home, listening to music can be kind of theraputic, as long as you don't let your mind wander too much. The quiet solace of some webcomics, a giggle here and there, and the occasional conversation with the AIM passerby, a glass of milk and some chocolate creme oreos(best thing EVER-if you haven't tried them, you really should) makes for a night without worries. At the very least I can say that when nothing is happening, at least no new problems are being created...but at the same time, nothing wonderful is happening at the same time. I suppose I'm being torn between my pessimistic side(nurture) and my optimistic side(nature). And since even the greatest philosophers haven't concluded the nature vs. nurture debate, I think I'll bow to the argument and politely leave it alone.

I think I'll do a little something fun with my thoughts pages from now on. You won't be able to see it unless you look a little deeper, but if you pick up on it, drop me a line, I'd be curious to find out who's good at little puzzles. Then again, you might not even bother to look. Ugh, optimism vs. pessimism again. I think I have problems.

Hmmm...while you're at It's Walky, go to "Roomies: Actions and Concequences" then "Spring" and follow the "No Regrets" storyline. You can get to it all from their pulldown menu, so it's not so hard...I've been reading it tonight, and it kind of rings a bell with me....except I don't have anyone like ruth in my life, and the scary part is that I identify with her a lot. I just hope I don't have to learn the truth the same way she did. Having a positive effect on so many people, only to be greeted with the darkness inside of you, and eventually be consumed by it, to keep looking for something, to keep looking for meaning, to keep looking for something deeper, and only to be greeted with the stoic silence of emptyness, or even worse, the eternal blackness of the beyond....who knows.

::sigh:: that was almost gothic. Now I'm really worried. I think I need some more milk.

But regardless of the point, it never ceases to surprise me how little the people who are supposed to care the most about us in our lives care the least....or don't show it at all. I mean, I could die in an instant and I don't really think anyone would know for days, weeks, becuase if I weren't online all of a sudden, I don't think it would really faze anyone, and noone calls me anyway looking for me, wondering just how I'm doing, noone calls just to say hello, so if I vanished, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? It seems I've been brought back to the simple debates of an angsty teenager, a high schooler who is unsure of where to go in their life, the same questions I used to ask whoeever was most important to me at the time on the phone in the middle of the night...maybe little has changed since then, or maybe the same questions are the important ones, or maybe the same questions will be the important ones.

::sigh:: I just want to be loved. Really loved. Reminded that I'm loved, I want warm arms around me instead of a cold telephone next to me that never rings, lonely nights, empty promises, and never knowing where I stand with people...right now, I have no idea where any of my closest friends are, what they're doing...yeah, it all boils down to the fact that I'm horribly lonely and noone is bothering to do anything about it...and yes, you can be very lonely in a group of people. And the worst part is that if I bothered to talk about it to anyone, they'd probably tell me that I'm the problem, that I need to change, that I need to grow up, and that's how it's always been....people aren't insensitive, I'm just needy.

And I'm left still, trying to dispose of my gentle nature.

I think if I'm colder, if i just don't care about any of it, any of them, anything at all, I might be a little happier. It might mean sinking back into that constant mild depression I'm all to familiar with, but I'm already depressed, so it might be surfacing some. I'm tired of feeling so much for the people, for the world, for a life that feels so little for me. It's not horribly wrong to want something back...

So I'll be up for a while, hoping my phone rings and knowing it won't, wishing for solace that I know won't come, and stupidly enough, knowing that the people I seem to be the closest to right now are the counterstrike players that play on the same servers as I do...it's funny, isn't it? I actually feel like they're there for me when even the people closest to my heart are not.

Hmm..another lesson from It's Walky, in the Premarital Hanky-Panky section, I picked up an interesting quote:
There's a difference between doing right because it's right and doing right because it makes you special and superior.
Hmm..now there's something I think I need to remember....I think lately that I may have been so caught up in being special, feeling like I have something to offer, feeling like I'm someone different, someone exceptional, that I've alienate people that I very well may have learned something from...if you do right because you think it's right and it's for yourself, then the actions of other people shouldn't really faze you, right? ::sigh:: More to think about...but this time it has that element of clarity that tells me that I'm on to something.

Damn, I really need therapy.