Saturday 8 July 2001 // 0342 EST
Seeing: My darkened room on a friday night
Hearing: Sarah McLachlan -- Elsewhere
Touching:My clothes on the floor, waiting to be worn again
Tasting: Donuts and cookies
So it figures that the one week I was all gung ho about putting myself on a budget and doing the things I wanted to do and having some spending money is the one week I get the wussy paycheck. I barely have enough to pay bills and do a few things here and there, but I'll have to scrape for it. I hate being financially unstable, but then again, what's a 21 year old college student to do? We're all broke, and werk is only going to start really paying me in two weeks on my NEXT paycheck. Speaking of which, I should probably cut the checks for my bills. Heh. If I blather more about money and whatnot, I'm sorry, I thought it would be over this week too.
So here I am, another Friday night that I'm completely and utterly alone. Last friday I wasn't alone in person, but this friday I have the pleasure to say that I am. I thought I might have plans for the evening, but I couldn't afford the Laketrout show, and noone's around, so here I sit, in my room, reading It's Walky! from back to front, catching up on something like 5 years of archived comics because I have nothing better to do and nowhere else to go. I suppose I could have called someone earlier and tried to hang, I could have done a lot of things, but I didn't. And now I'm lonely and I blame everyone BUT myself. Sue me, it's a pessimist's perogative to find fault with the world before he'll find fault with himself. Speaking of which, someone told me once that "whenever you feel that the world has forsaken you, look more closely, it is often you who have forsaken the world." I'm trying to remember that lately, I think it's kind of applicable to my life the way it's been the past few days.
I haven't dragged out my Lamb cds yet, even though they're currently no more than three feet from me right now. I think I'll do that after this post.
So I was planning on going to a LAN party this weekend, friends, fun, video games all night, but I realized that one, I don't have the money to spend on the stuff I would want to take with me(blank cd-rs, snacks, etc), I would probably be going so I could get copies of games that OTHER PEOPLE have asked me for-and while hanging out with all of my friends offsets that, I'm very much worried that I would be going for these other people and not for myself to relax and have a good time(makes me think i should just wait for the next LAN party that I PRAY they'll have and I can go and have fun just for me), but to take the cake and completely make any decision for me, my car is going in the shop tomorrow to get something fixed, probably the tailight...too bad it's not the air conditioning...I'm getting tired of doing rush hour traffic home from werk every day with the windows down, it still gets hot when you're only moving at fifteen mph...but the point is that I don't know when the car is coming out of the shop, so it's looking like a quiet weekend at home for me. Not really what I wanted, but I don't really have any choice. Girl doesn't have a car, so seeing her is out, not like I think that would have happened anyway, and just getting away isn't an option either. Looks like lots of video games for me. I would even consider going to werk on the weekend, sitting in a WAM lab and making some extra cash, but I don't know if I'll have a car. Maybe if it gets fixed early.
I'm still trying to dispense with my gentle nature.
Sitting at home, listening to music can be kind of theraputic, as long as you don't let your mind wander too much. The quiet solace of some webcomics, a giggle here and there, and the occasional conversation with the AIM passerby, a glass of milk and some chocolate creme oreos(best thing EVER-if you haven't tried them, you really should) makes for a night without worries. At the very least I can say that when nothing is happening, at least no new problems are being created...but at the same time, nothing wonderful is happening at the same time. I suppose I'm being torn between my pessimistic side(nurture) and my optimistic side(nature). And since even the greatest philosophers haven't concluded the nature vs. nurture debate, I think I'll bow to the argument and politely leave it alone.
I think I'll do a little something fun with my thoughts pages from now on. You won't be able to see it unless you look a little deeper, but if you pick up on it, drop me a line, I'd be curious to find out who's good at little puzzles. Then again, you might not even bother to look. Ugh, optimism vs. pessimism again. I think I have problems.
Hmmm...while you're at It's Walky, go to "Roomies: Actions and Concequences" then "Spring" and follow the "No Regrets" storyline. You can get to it all from their pulldown menu, so it's not so hard...I've been reading it tonight, and it kind of rings a bell with me....except I don't have anyone like ruth in my life, and the scary part is that I identify with her a lot. I just hope I don't have to learn the truth the same way she did. Having a positive effect on so many people, only to be greeted with the darkness inside of you, and eventually be consumed by it, to keep looking for something, to keep looking for meaning, to keep looking for something deeper, and only to be greeted with the stoic silence of emptyness, or even worse, the eternal blackness of the beyond....who knows.
::sigh:: that was almost gothic. Now I'm really worried. I think I need some more milk.
But regardless of the point, it never ceases to surprise me how little the people who are supposed to care the most about us in our lives care the least....or don't show it at all. I mean, I could die in an instant and I don't really think anyone would know for days, weeks, becuase if I weren't online all of a sudden, I don't think it would really faze anyone, and noone calls me anyway looking for me, wondering just how I'm doing, noone calls just to say hello, so if I vanished, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? It seems I've been brought back to the simple debates of an angsty teenager, a high schooler who is unsure of where to go in their life, the same questions I used to ask whoeever was most important to me at the time on the phone in the middle of the night...maybe little has changed since then, or maybe the same questions are the important ones, or maybe the same questions will be the important ones.
::sigh:: I just want to be loved. Really loved. Reminded that I'm loved, I want warm arms around me instead of a cold telephone next to me that never rings, lonely nights, empty promises, and never knowing where I stand with people...right now, I have no idea where any of my closest friends are, what they're doing...yeah, it all boils down to the fact that I'm horribly lonely and noone is bothering to do anything about it...and yes, you can be very lonely in a group of people. And the worst part is that if I bothered to talk about it to anyone, they'd probably tell me that I'm the problem, that I need to change, that I need to grow up, and that's how it's always been....people aren't insensitive, I'm just needy.
And I'm left still, trying to dispose of my gentle nature.
I think if I'm colder, if i just don't care about any of it, any of them, anything at all, I might be a little happier. It might mean sinking back into that constant mild depression I'm all to familiar with, but I'm already depressed, so it might be surfacing some. I'm tired of feeling so much for the people, for the world, for a life that feels so little for me. It's not horribly wrong to want something back...
So I'll be up for a while, hoping my phone rings and knowing it won't, wishing for solace that I know won't come, and stupidly enough, knowing that the people I seem to be the closest to right now are the counterstrike players that play on the same servers as I do...it's funny, isn't it? I actually feel like they're there for me when even the people closest to my heart are not.
Hmm..another lesson from It's
Walky, in the Premarital Hanky-Panky section, I picked up an
Damn, I really need therapy.