and you don't seem to understand

8 September 2003

I don't really get to meet people anymore. I had a discussion with a friend about this, when we were talking about how essentially I'd been dissed a couple of times this past weekend, and how whenever I start to think that I'm really interested in someone or someone is interested in me that one way or the other I'm cursed somehow and wind up being such close friends that said individual wouldn't want to lose my friendship by taking a chance on me, or that I'm so special they wouldn't want to lose me, or something along those lines that I've heard a million times and forgive me for being jaded about it. But essentially after a few backhands this past couple of days I like to think I'm recouping nicely, even if I'm somewhat depressed and irritated at the whole thing, but what it boiled down to was that I don't really meet any new people anymore, and the people I know I've either known for a while or I meet them through other friends. This ties in a little to the whole "haven't partied in a while" that appeared in the blog today also. All in all, I feel like I'm not really meeting people, so there's no possibility to meet anyone new and interesting, to go do something new with someone new, possibilities waning, you know? It's exceptionally difficult to meet people while partying because well, I'm a guy and I'm not that tall, tanned, hot guy dancing with his shirt off-I'm not that guy, I'm not your typical muscle-bound fratboy, so it's next to impossible for me to meet people and actually make people interested enough in me to want to talk to me later at a party or something. I'm not that guy. I don't know if I want to be, and I don't know if I should be.

I always had issues with the "but I'm your friend!" excuse, but I'm not going to get into it-I think I'm just bitter because I've heard it so much, but I understand that it applies in some cases. Either way, the problem is once I'm interested in someone, I presumably know them, and by that time they're not interested because I'm their friend. Sucks. But getting back to point, this upsets me that I don't seem to really be meeting any new people, which is a shame. It's hard to get out and about when you're living with people who don't get out much, and when you don't have a terrible lot of friends anyway it's hard to manage to get out to meet new people because they all don't really..well.."go out." I know I'm sounding cryptic, so let me try and clarify. I have friends. Most of them either don't go out much at all, or are so far removed from me at this point that it's hard to tag along with them on their jaunts. I don't really dig partying alone, and I've always hated that even though I did it for years, and that doesn't help you meet people either, in fact it does more to make me lonely than anything else. So without meeting people, and the people I already know not being interested at all, al makes it difficult to really become involved with someone. I suppose I'm a little lovesick lately because it's been so hard to actually gain someone's interest. Makes you feel real good about yourself, let me tell you.

Anyways, all of this makes me just want to hit the liquor store on the way home and pick up some scotch and just go to town when I get home; but I'll probably retreat to my room, listen to some records, and iron some clothes instead. I always have the instinct to clean when I'm depressed, and I woke up Saturday and Sunday mornings with the desire to clean my room, to clean my bathroom, to vaccum the floors, and that's a pretty bad sign. Today at werk I've literally spent most of my day wishing I weren't here. I hate to sound pathetic and upset with life, but I've got to be honest.

Okay okay, I'll be more upfront. It's not like life is horrible, I have a roof over my head and more than enough money to get by, I have food and water and clean clothes, I have my health and my wellbeing, and my intelligence, and I should be pleased with that, and a part of my mind tells me that I'll find what I'm looking for on my own time and find someone who isn't afraid to take a good risk on me, someone who isn't afraid to see what else there might be on the other side, someone with the courage to see through with me something that might be wonderful. Maybe I just have to find someone who apparently doesn't care about me that much in order to do that, if I'm to believe what I'm told.