Monday 9 July 2001 // 1555 EST

Seeing: A freshly washed car

Hearing: Chicane -- Offshore

Touching: Beloved.

Tasting: Macaroni and cheese

Sometimes this job never ceases to amaze me. The amazing amount of idiots that call me every day is mindboggling sometimes, it's really something. Sometimes I hope that these are the same people who call back all the time so I don't have to think that we have that many idiots in the world, but alas, I know the truth. Okay, I shouldn't complain too much about werk, I mean I do get time to sit around and update my website for hours on end and not do much of anything at all, but it's the occasional phone call that aggrivates me. I shouldn't complain much, it is a pretty laid back job and there's isn't much to it cept helping people with their issues, and i get paid for it nicely, so bleh.

How do I get myself into these situations? With the risk of being too vauge, bear with me for a little while, but get this: I have multiple people in my life wanting the same thing from me right now, and only one of them who really should have it...part of me says that I'm an ethical guy, that I don't need to be broken of something else that I stand for, that it would make me no worse than other people I despised for it, that I'm not that kind of person, and another side of me says that it'd be fun, that I'm young and should have a good time, that I'm being too serious....and then overall the biggest part of me feels guilty for even considering it, for even allowing myself to be in this situation, for tripping in the first place. I pretty much know what I'm going to do, it's just a matter of doing it....we'll see what happens, won't we?

Okay, that's enough of that, it was on my mind, and hell, these are my thoughts, so I can say these things. On the other hand, last night pretty much let me liquify into what I knew was important all along, and you know what? When I looked for it, really looked for it, and didn't expect it to come to me, I found those things that I've been wanting so much...and sometimes it really doesn't matter if they come to you or not, sometimes it doesn't matter how you find it, but just that you know it's there, that you find what you're looking for, that you're happy and you know what's there for you. And you know what? As confused as I am, I pretty much know what's going to's just a matter of passing a simple test....okay, not so simple, but definitely a test. It's only a few more minutes until I'm through with werk and I can go do more fun things, like pick up my pictures from Ultra and grab a little somethin to eat. Sorry this is so short, but I guess I just needed to talk about it...I think I still do, but I'll try and find someone who'll talk about it with me.