Tuesday 9 October 2001 // 0236 EST

Seeing: Bombs over Kabul

Hearing: Ian Van Dahl -- Castles In The Sky

Touching: Palm batteries almost dead

Tasting: Halloween Oreos

So you wanna know what's fuckin bothering me? I'll tell you.
People fuckin bother me. I'm sick and tired of the people I have to deal with every day, and I'm not talking about the strangers...they're the people who make it bearable. I have to deal with a rather amusing combination of selfish, self-centered, and annoying friends, even worse aquaintences who wish they could call themselves friends, and people all around me who insist on my attention who really don't deserve it. That's right-they don't DESERVE my attention.

where was all your happiness
when i shared mine with you
where was all your glory
when pain was all you knew?

where were all your smiles and hugs
when i gave you everything
and you took and took and took and took
but had nothing at all
to bring

That's part of how I feel. I mean, don't get me wrong, people need to be happy. But I have a hard time with people who are so content inside their walls that reach up to the sky that they never think of the sea outside as anything more than a threat that will kill them...people who never think that perhaps something outside their barriers have something to offer them, people that think they need nothing else-and it really pisses me off when people try and be high and mighty from inside their shells(if you think you know who I'm talking about, you're probably wrong...I use this analogy a lot especially with Vixen, and I'm not talking about her-she's in a completely different category, although I would be foolish not to say she has some of these qualities. That's right Vixen-you got beef, IM me. :p ) The point being that so many people are so comfortable walled up in their high houses and huge mansions in their head that they wait and wait for people to come knocking at their door...and they'll miss the people who can really make a difference in their lives with that kind of shit-because I know not everyone has the patience to keep banging away hoping someone will answer like I do, and there's limits to even mine...so I give up. I'm walking away.

I'm tired of people who make me feel bad for feeling bad. People who say things like "you're moody" or "you give me attitude" or "you know I don't ask probing questions(because "hello, how are you" is such a probing question)" or anything like that. It's a nice copout, I'll file them away under "drama queen" or other related bullshit that's designed to keep people from expressing how they feel to others who are simply too selfish to give a damn about anyone but themselves. And you know what? I'm tired of them too. I'm walking away.

and while you're sleeping
i'm running
screaming for
looking for
reaching for
fighting for
something to believe in

and every time you arch your back
to someone else
and every time you breathe
in someone else
that's okay
because it slowly
and painfully
washes this toxin
that you are
from my blood

I haven't written poetry in a really long time.

Anyway, I've been too fucking busy to believe lately, and all of this shit on top of it isn't helping. I think it's that time where most people would tell me that I need to get away, but I don't think that's the case. I think I need to fight. I'm tired of laying down and thinking it'll pass, I'm tired of wanting to get away. I'm going to make the environment I want around me, and if that means it's a few people shy of what it used to be, then that's how it'll have to be. If it means that I don't talk to the people I used to share so much with, then that's just too fucking bad. Maybe if they're lucky I'll cry about it, but I haven't cried in years, so that's fucking doubtful.

So think twice before you cross me. I'm gentle to those who deserve that from me, and if you break down that trust with me, you'd best get the mortar and start laying bricks, or else you'll get washed out when the tide comes in, and I'm not kidding for a change. I'm all kinds of ready to not talk to some people at this point. For a change, I'll see YOU show some effort, for a change YOU come knocking at MY door, for a change, YOU try to scale MY walls and see how much success you have, then maybe you'll think twice about making someone else do it, making someone else beg for your affection, making someone else try and decide whether your actions or your words are what's truthful, making someone else be there for you every living second and as soon as they're upset you make them feel horrible for being anything less than happy enough to listen to your problems or how much your boyfriend can't make you happy or how many guys are falling all over you or what you have to do or where you have to go or how happy you suddenly are when you really haven't changed at all or how much you enjoy being with me or spending time with me but can't stop talking about him or how upset you are about him or how mature you've become since you wrote a paragraph and now you're enlightened or anything of the like, because I've heard it all baby, I've heard it all and I don't want to hear any more...so don't waste my time unless you have something that needs to be said. Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence.

I have enough battles to fight that I refuse to spend resources on your petty shit.
I'm going to learn how to spin. I'm getting tables, and I'm getting a new harddrive, and I'm getting the things I want, and I'm starting to look for a place to move out to. The parents are finally 100 percent on the house they're going to get in York, PA, and I know I want to stay here, so I'll look around. I found out that some used tables from a good place here in College Park wouldn't cost me a lot of money, so I'll look into those, as soon as I buy myself a new harddrive and a CD burner and a monitor and maybe a new monitor. But then again, I have a FUCKING BIRTHDAY COMING UP THAT NOONE SEEMS TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT. Sorry, that was getting on my nerves...my parents have mentioned my birthday, but it seems like everyone else in my life just wants to make my life MORE difficult. Happy birthday alan, here's some more strife for you to handle. Oh yeah, and don't pretend you're sympathetic either, because you're probably responsible, you and your smug grin and all your happiness, grinning at my blood spilling on the ground...you'll be surprised when my blade is in your neck and you thought I was finished...

Yes, I akin a lot of life to a battle. I have a warrior inside me somewhere, and he needs to come out sometimes.

Speaking of warriors-we're fighting, aren't we? We as a nation, we're bombing someone somewhere for some reason that noone really knows. I'm not going to say I oppose this military action, because I don't. But as long as our men and women are out there bravely risking their lives for the glamor of the politicians, I wish them the best and hope they come home safely and hope that as few innocent lives will be lost in this violence as possible. It just proves to me that humanity is not past petty retaliation for things like this...although in some respect something needed to be done, I don't think paving Afghanistan was quite the right thing to do. Does anyone else see the irony in dropping bombs on Kabul one hour and then dropping food and medicine the next? Maybe that's just me...

This weekend I spent a lot of time down at Metatrack and had a good old time-I bought a LOT of records, which solidified my resolve to get some tables, even if they're hokey, and get a mixer, even if it's hokey-at least I'll have something to practice on and listen to my records on-and the next step will be to find a place to put it in the house. The records collection is getting kind of large, it's scary...but hey, if I ever really need a place, I an always go up to the studio and take out a room for a few hours and spin to my heart's content. It'd be fun.

In the meantime, we'll see what happens in the world and in our lives, and if you actually want to talk to me and think you have something worth saying, then email me and let it out. But don't flame me, because then I'll kill you.

Oh yeah-if I hadn't shared before, the theme to the new Star Trek series Enterprise has been rather uplifting lately, I even dropped it in my profile.

"I am jack's burning vengance." ~~Fight Club