Tuesday 10 January 2001 // 2309 EST

Seeing: Sunset over the Atlantic

Hearing: BT vs. Paul Van Dyk -- Flaming June

Touching: Someone else's skin...soft and warm

Tasting: Panera coffee

Thinking:
A new completeness, I like to call it, something that's really wonderful has happened to me, something really wonderful has changed my life. I feel so refreshed, so energized, so happy that I can't completely describe it...yes, I know it sounds somewhat cheesy, but it's not..it's so much more..remember I said in an OSIRUS post that you can feel happiness sometimes...like it's on the other side of a wall, a thin glass wall that you feel like you can almost pass through and reach the other side...it's like on the other side the energy is waiting for you, it's waiting for you to walk through it, absorb it, to let it flow through you and all around you, to let it expand you and lift you...and the best part of all of this is that this happiness, this completeness, all of this has come from inside....I don't owe my happiness to anyone, I'm not dependant on anyone to make me feel on air, I don't need it...but I want to share it...I'm shining, I can feel it, I can see it at night when I close my eyes, like an ambient light coming from my body, like a warmth that I'm generating all the time and I always have been but I haven't been paying attention to...I can see that changes...I hang out with people and I'm not desperate for their attention, I follow my heart and my thoughts, I call the people that I think of...when I say to myself, "hey, I haven't talked to Erika in a long time..." I call her and see what she's doing and if she has time to catch up...because that's part of why we're here...to uplift everyone we come across...only then will we uplift ourselves, know ourselves...as long as we allow ourselves to be wrapped up in competing for each other's energies, as long as we allow ourselves to feed on the energy of others and ignore the connection within, then we will never reach out and truly touch others, we will never be able to understand ourselves, understand others, reach the hieghts that we're destined to reach..become the people we are destined to become. I know this is somewhat jumbled, but you have to understand, this is new to even me-I'm just becoming aware of this myself, just beginning to understand it, just beginning to realize what I'm really capable of...I'm just starting to tap into the energy within and the connection without..just remember...trust your synchronicity.

Other things...thanks everyone who's been there lately, I really appreciate your help lately...I took a sabbatical this weekend, didn't make any outgoing calls, spent a lot of time alone, getting in touch with myself, getting focused, staying connected..abd it's done wonders...I've been getting so much done, working towards the dreams and goals I have for myself, understanding the things that happen in my life and where they're leading me...and above all else, I've been doing a lot of reading, playing puzzle games, trying to keep my mind on it's toes and never ceasing to test myself. I feel like I'm growing, changing, doing good things for myself...I've let my growth stop suddenly these past few months, let myself be drained, let myself fall into a vicious cycle...no longer. You will all see me shine, let me share it with you. I'm looking for a real job, looking for a car to buy...looking for a place to live, looking for what's right for me...I've made my new year's resolutions, would you like to see them?
I resolve to not let people play with my heart and my feelings the way I've let them.
I resolve to re-invent myself-to live the life I create inside my head and not to let it end there.
I resolve to relax more-to truly relax, not just veg, but to let it all ebb out of me, to feel truly refreshed.
I resolve to branch out and find the people I need to have in my life, and remove myself from the ones I don't.
I resolve to find more happiness on the path to happiness.
I resolve to do more pleasure reading, to expand my horizions.
I resolve to devote more time to my training(martial arts)
I resolve to add more resolutions whenever I want, but never to take these away.
I resolve to love deeper..live stronger...dance harder.

Things are really looking up...I can feel it inside...it's a tingle in my feet and a warmth in my chest...like I can inhale and expand and feel it flowing through me...I think it's the first time I've been happy in a really long time, or at least this happy. So I'm working on keeping this feeling around, doing what I feel, following my thoughts and my daydreams, all of those things..stopping every once in a while to just be happy. And part of that has been updating this website.

It's time to roll the dice...lay the cards on the table...take a shot at destiny. It's my time now...devil, you've had your time. Now it's MY time.