Friday 12 January 2001 // 2113 EST
Seeing: Clouds passing and planes flying
Hearing: J-Walk -- Soul Vibration
Touching: Jeff's pygmy python names Stumpy
Tasting: Green tea with candied ginger
It's hard to not slip back into the typical ways, to let myself be angry when a friend is being bitchy and selfish, to not remind the people who tell me all about their lives that it takes a lot out of me to hear it and listen to them, especially when I don't necessarily want to hear it all, it takes a lot. I come to realize that I have a lot of very selfish friends, but then again, I have to look at where I'm living. Columbia breeds these kind of people, the kind who are constantly bored with life yet refuse to do anything to change it, the kind who think that their pain is the only pain anyone's ever felt and that it's worse than anything else in the world, the ones who resort to angst and self-pity because it's all they really think they're good at...sometimes I listen to these people and wonder when they're going to grow up...when they're going to realize that if all they have to complain about is that they don't have anything to do on Friday night, then they don't have much to complain about at all...people are dying every day, people are starving, people don't have the money to make rent or feed their children, and of course, they'll never care...all they care about is the fact that they don't have anything to do tonight but get drunk. Sorry-I don't really want to be a part of it.
It's difficult, but everyone always tells me I have a very draining circle of friends, a very self-absorbed group of people I choose to hang out with, and I know it's true, but they all mean well...people don't MEAN to hurt each other, they just do it because it makes them feel better-it gives them the energy they need to go on, because they don't realize that there's a far better source of energy than cheating others out of theirs...
It's hard sometimes to remember to stay connected, to not let it get me down too, because it's the last thing I need. I'm the happiest I've been in a really long time, and nothing's going to change that...I really can handle anything that's thrown at me, and if you or her or him choose to wallow in self-pity, then do it, your attacks on me only show me exactly how pathetic your situation is...the fact that you drone on and on about things you know would normally hurt me without even asking if I'm okay, or even caring to hear about my life or my experiences only shows me how truly self-absorbed you are...all of this shows me exactly who you are...it's so easy to see now that I'm finally becoming aware of who I really am. I feel sorry for you.
In the meantime, I'm standing in the sunshine...and I'm happy about it...and if I'm acting superior because of it, then that's your problem...I'm thrilled, and you will NOT bring me down...it was a good shot, though.
If you decide to show a little respect, if you decide to be a real friend, then we can talk...until then, you're done. It's a healthy process to clean out the attic every once in a while, and in all of this newfound clarity, I haven't really done that-I really should...contacts I should delete, people I should make a point not to talk to unless they have the courage to get in touch with me...
But with any luck, with this, I can be done with this bitterness, I can be done with the upsettedness that welled up there for a while...I have to remember to stay connected to what's important, to stay focused, and not to let my growth stop. To take the time to myself. No, nothing's going to stop me now. Sometimes a 17 year old can have more insight into life and happiness than a 20 year old...it's amazing. How the right people come along at the right times...but I think I learned more about who I was and who I don't want to be from the 20 year old.
I'd like to have a serious conversation with someone-about something that's not trivial. I want to get to know someone, talk to them about things that are important, and not sex, not money, not pillowcases, not vanity, not how boring and horrible life is...I want to talk to someone who has something to say.
I'm taking applications. ;)