carried away by a moonlight shadow

12 May 2004

Every time I see geese flying overhead in pairs or when I see one standing attentively next to another that's foraging for food, my heart melts a little bit. Not because I'm a horrible softie, but because I know those two geese are probably married. Yes, married-by that I mean they mate for life-when they find a mate they'll stay with them through thick and thin, and if one dies, the other doesn't just go find another mate, and there have been cases where some geese have died or starved themselves because their mate died for one reason or another. Reminds me of humans, except without that kind of devotion, oddly enough. Maybe we can take a lesson, and no, I don't mean the conservative "stay with your partner no matter what" lesson, because geese don't abuse each other-I mean that the relationship geese have is so simplistically complicated-one stands guard and keeps lookout, the other forages for food. They defend each other and stick together. They both care for the chicks, sometimes one will babysit for others if they're out looking for food. Quite the little community, I think. Reminds me of how humans used to get by-love, hope, and community. Kind of makes me sad when I think about how far we've moved from that.

Geese aside, I have to be thankful to Raevyn for being there for me the past couple of weeks while I've been kind of down, moreso on myself than anything else. I've been kind of stressing myself out more than any possible stress I have in my life could possibly be affecting me, and while it hasn't kept me up at night, it certainly has made my days that much more tiresome, so I'm going to quit it. Yes, it's that simple-it's really all about taking a deep breath and knowing things will work out in the end and that I'm working hard to makr sure they do, and all I can do is make sure that things do eventually pan out. That's it. Now if only I can do the same thing for the cicadas, I'll be okay.

In other news, I've been thinking more often of that old saying, that the best way to bring new and wonderful things into your life is to get rid of the old and stale ones, and about now that's coming down to some material posessions I don't really use anymore, namely old computers. I'm about to inherit a Commodore 64 for free, which will bring my computer total up to seven; and I'm thinking about selling at least one of them on ebay, or somewhere that'll make me a little bit of money. At the same time a little voice in my head says "don't sell those computers, do something cool with em! Mod them or something!" and then I get really excited about that but don't feel like I have time for it. Hm. That's something I should do today at werk, look about for some mod projects I can do with my old macs. Maybe turn them into something useful that won't cost a ton of money to do. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to them.

But back to the getting past things point-I've noticed lately that I've been putting a lot of personal stock in my ability to perform in different situations-whether I can have some cash left over after paying my bills, whether I have the time or energy to have a little fun or do something cool after werk, whether I eat breakfast before werk, things that are markedly simple and other things that have some elements wildly out of my control, but all in all I find myself rather disoriented and somewhat dissapointed in myself when things don't turn out exactly as I planned or how I wanted them to. Raevyn told me yesterday to look at the situation a little objectively-if she or anyone else I loved and cared about were going through hard times, or had to cut back citing financial constratints, or complained or worried about being too tired to have fun, would I-she asked-think them a bad person for not being able to do those things? And of course my answer is no, that if a loved one fell on bad financial times or was so busy as to be to the point of exhaustion every day after work that it's not their fault and to wish them the best in fixing whatever's bothering them-to encourage them and let them know they're cared for and they in no way can be judged as a person based on the events that befall them. She replied to me that if I think of other loved ones in this manner, I should afford myself the same decency and not think less of myself because I can't do everything I want to do, can't immediately be where I want to be, and know that I'm working towards my goals and that takes time-the one thing that makes it so difficult. I normally like to think of myself as a patient person, I really do, but when it comes to a lot of things that affect me directly, I tend to want the situation resolved immediately, to be free from the problem or the concequence right then and there, and to have the problem resolved as soon as possible. It's not that I need the instant gratification, it's more that I just want the whole ordeal behind me and over and past, and I have to remember sometimes to just let it go sometimes and deal with it as it comes, knowing I'm capable to do so and that I'll have it all under control. That's what I have to tell myself, and that's what Raevyn keeps telling me.

With that being said, I also can't blindly wait until things are resolved; I have to be able to do what I can and be comfortable in the knowledge that I did what I could and the rest will just have to wait. We'll see though, it's not easy. I am, however, very much looking forward to the weekend, when I'll have a little bit of time to relax and not have to worry about things for a bit.