Fading Shades

14 April 2004

I'm not doing badly for myself. Despite the occassional financial difficulty(or judging by the way it feels sometimes: perpetual) and how irritated I am at my daily commute, I think things are going pretty well. I mean, how badly can you really have it if you can afford to put a roof over your head and food in your stomach, if you have a warm place to sleep and blankets to curl up in, a car to drive here and there in, internet access a-plenty, and a huge TV to watch your favorite shows on? Can't complain, can I? Not really. But the war against the paycheck rages on, and rage it does-with no immediate signs of ending soon, although it will end, because I have mathematics and intelligence on my side and those who oppose me only have bills that they send me in the mail, which I can easily overcome or ignore(or pay, whichever suits my fancy). The point though, is that I shouldn't let myself get down because of little things when so many wonderful things are going for me.

This is a difficult thing to remember, as trivial as it might sound, because even with good things going on around us, I don't know how we wound up this way, but we are somehow socialized to ignore the wonderful things around us, we're trained that when things are going well we don't bother paying attention when our car is running perfectly or the roof isn't leaking or there's food in the fridge or we're not out of shampoo, but as soon as something bad happens like we'll have trouble paying the bills this month or the car needs repairs or anything like that we suddenly get stressed and frustrated. I know it happens to me, and I know it happens to most people. The thing now is how do we deal with it-how do we get around it, and how do we conquer it, so the good things shine brightly in our eyes and we look at the bad things as challenges that, while difficult, will at least keep us honed and actively thinking and working to make our lives better? This is something I'm struggling with. Whether it's my commute or my bills, while they don't keep me up at night, they do filter through my mind in the early morning hours, when I'm not particularly focused on anything.

I know all of these things are trivial, and I know I have a definitive plan for how to deal with them, but I'm still unsettled, and I think the problem isn't so much that the problem is causing the uneasiness, but that I'm the kind of person who likes to have things fixed and out of the way immediately. I don't like having to wait for things to get better, I don't like having to bide my time before a conflict is resolved-I'm not the type for instant gratification either-I mean I don't mind taking my time as long as there's something active that I can do, but when it comes to just waiting things out, I've never really been good at that, and perhaps that in itself is a reflection of my need to be a little more patient. Patience has never been a problem for me in the past, I've always been a very patient person, but I think often the things I had to be patient about didn't have immediate effects, or at least immediate noticable effects on me. But how does one go about fixing a problem of patience, aside from just telling oneself "be more patient?" Maybe I should start meditating or deep breathing or something like that. Working out used to help me get by in the past, maybe I should start that again-the exercises I do at home don't really amount to a whole workout, and there is a gym in my office building.

So there it is-issues present but nothing that's not easily worked through in a month or so, and patience is all I really need. It's just difficult, and I'm sure you can understand. But on the upside, there's so much that's going so well, and I think that's what I need to pay attention to right now-that there's so much going so well that I can't do anything but smile as I walk into my apartment, say hello to my Bonsai, and settle in to make some dinner and relax for the evening. Perhaps that's the key to patience-knowing that in time the bad things will sort themselves out, and if you can't do anything then not to worry, and finally to spend the time you would have spent worrying enjoying the good things you have all around you that you probably take for granted. Perhpas. I'll give it a shot.