dream a little dream

14 July 2003

So yeah. A lot's been running through my head lately, but that's not particularly any different than normal. I've been struggling with the notion that I'll be out for a week travelling to Canada from the 23rd to the 30th, and I've been struggling with the notion that I haven't had the time to get to the gym as often as I would like, and been struggling with the notion that I don't feel particularly good right now(I suppose I'm a little depressive, but that happens to all of us, right?), struggling with the notion that I'm living with people even-I keep thinking of what my perfect world is like and then dreaming of ways that it would be wonderful if it actually happened, but for some odd reason not having the energy or effort to actually start moving in that direction. That's actually a real pain, because I'm not usually an idle dreamer, I like to take steps toward the things that I want, but lately I've been feeling weighted under crap that just doesn't seem to really want to go away. I think a few days off work will be nice, but I do at the same time wish that I weren't running off in order to take it.

I'm not going to use you guys as a forum for listing all the things I have to do and the things I want to change, that's not the point here, although the emotional support is appreciated(no, I don't want sympathy-just a moment's thought of "damn-hope he works that shit out" will suffice thanks). But I will go on about a few things that have been on my mind, which I suppose is what a journal is all about, eh?

I've been thinking a lot about some old friends, probably because I'm a relatively nostalgic person and the lack of people on demand to hang out with now(which is partially my own fault, but I won't get into that) makes you think about when you had only to flip through your phone book to find a myriad of people that you could choose to call or not choose to call; that it was up to me. For example, a really good friend I used to have is so strikingly similar to one of my cowerkers that it's uncanny; although admittedly my coworker is far more mature and level-headed(read: intelligent) than that old friend that I don't really talk to anymore; but it makes me think about that person and the fun we had together when we were actually friends that saw each other something like every day some odd years ago. It doesn't take much though, to get me thinking about the days gone by; walking through the grocery store I smelled something-I have no clue what it really was-but the last time I smelled it that strongly was way back in high school when I was spending weekends at Aberdeen Proving Grounds when I was in ROTC. Add that with my mind wandering on the way to and from werk to the mistakes I've made and some of the things I wish I hadn't done but know full well I can't go back on, and you have some relatively depressing moments. It's true that they say that you tend to remember the most emotionally charged moments in your life, and those moments are usually bad times, times when you were very angry or very sad, times when you were very scared or very unhappy-as opposed to the times when you were estatically happy or thrilled with life(but you remember those also). I suppose that's not really helping the stress.

I know, I know, you're saying that we all make mistakes and we all have our bad memories, and yes, I know this, thank you-it is nice to know that I'm not horribly alone or anything like that, but you understand, everyone feels their own emotions strongest, and it's still a draining experience. At the same time, those things are more or less angst that I'm feeling at myself, not so much other people; when it comes to emotionally charged instances in your life(especially relationships and the ends of them) it's easy to make yourself hate the person who was in that moment with you, in that relationship or that friendship or that argument, that way you can quickly and easily absolve yourself of all blame for the instance, the relationship, the friendship, or whatever; as long as you can easily hate, you can easily escape coming to terms with your own behavior or embarassment or anger. Knowing this to be true helps a great deal in eliminating that kind of irrational hatred. Trust me.

At the same time, it's still difficult to get over the things you've done and the people you've seen and the bad experiences you've been through. It's not easy at all. So as much as I'm telling you I'm telling myself, try not to let it bother you(and yes, even the hardest skinned people have feelings deep down there), and try to move forward. I suppose I should take my own advice and try and pull myself up from my personal reverie and do the things I need to do to make myself happy, unwanted trip or no. We'll see if I can take my own advice. I've been getting a lot better at a lot of things lately, I can only hope that's one of them. Sorry for the brainspew, but hey, I've always looked at a journal as a method of catharsis, and why should now be any different?

That being said, I think I'll go home tonight, brew a cup of coffee, and settle in and take care of some business. I'll be around if you'd like to bug me. You know where to find me.