Monday 15 October 2001 // 1532 EST

Seeing: Fun new websites...

Hearing: Mono -- Life In Mono

Touching: Dirty glasses and dirty sheets

Tasting: Peanut Butter and Jelly

For some reason this morning I woke up and I was worried about my future. It could have been the email I got from my advisor telling me that the Physics GREs are only offered in November and December and that the review sessions were in the middle of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and all of a sudden I got to thinking about my dreams in life and my goals and what I want to do with myself and whether or not I should even bother taking the GREs..and whether or not the enticing opportunities that have presented themselves to me recently are worth my time and effort...but moreso whether or not they're conducive to those dreams I've had.

I don't know whether or not to take the damn GREs, to tell you the truth, I mean, I don't really want to, and I don't even really want to pursue graduate work in Astrophysics unless it'll be a bit than my undergraduate study. I would much rather do something like what The American Institute of Physics does, and report those events back to the general public in a way they can understand. Being a science writer has some potential, to tell you the truth, and when we took a field visit to AIP for my honors seminar it was a lot of fun, and they seem to be doing a lot of exciting stuff there-but I don't know if being a science writer is really conducive to going into space, which is what I've wanted to do ever since I was a child...I used to think that studying astronomy was the best way to get me there, but I don't know about that anymore-it seems that there are very few people in space who are really physicists and maybe it doesn't really matter. But then again, I wonder if Information Technology is my future, I do seem to have an aptitude for it and I enjoy it, so it's very possible that I might look to doing this for a while...but then what about graduate school? What would I study, would I ever make it? And if I chose to do Information Technology, would I ever make it into space? Sometimes I wonder what I would bother to study if I went to grad school. I suppose I can take the GREs anytime and prep for them, but I would have loved to do the review sessions with the Physics Department, and even though they've left me in the dark, unadvised, feeling unwanted, and ill/misinformed many times in the past, I still would like to have been able to take advantage of the opportunity. Maybe next year. Anyway, I find myself in the inevitable position that I'm confused about what I want to do with my life...and I suppose I should start looking for a real job if I'm to be graduating in May and finding my own place...I'm thinking that search should intensify as soon as this semester is over, but I'd better be flooding the market with resumes and doing interviews all the time. I'm just confused about my options...I suppose I would love to take someone out to dinner and just talk to them about my dreams and talents and have a sounding board to help me decide how to get to my dreams from where I am now...I don't have THAT much time left, to be honest, before I have to enter the real world and start making strides towards those dreams. I'll be honest-my grades aren't great, so I'm not about to fly right into graduate school, although I wouldn't mind if I did-but then again, I haven't looked too much at graduate schools, but if what I hear is true, it's not going to be easy for me. All the more reason for me to pursue Information Technology or Science Writing or something along those lines...but will I be eligable for the Space Program that way? I don't know. We'll just have to see. In the meantime, I'd love someone to just ramble on to about it all...

On the personal front, I've been feeling kind of wishywashy. I know my kind of let-loose fuck-the-world attitude has been doing me well, to tell the truth, but I've kind of seen things coming from both angles-some people in my life don't really try to make me feel worthless, they just love to keep the crystal wall between them and I that's transparent enough to make me wish I were on the other side, but solid enough to remind me that it's there and there's no way around it, no way through it, and I have to be content on the other side...close enough to wish, too far to touch. And then there are the people who take notice when they need something, the ones who only bother me when there's something I can do for them, or something I can get for them, or they have some reason for contacting me. Selfish friends. Joanna said something about it a while back in one of her updates, but I don't remember which one, and today she's not in the mood to have a website, so I can't find it...silly Joanna. Anyway, I have a whole interesting assortment of people around me, some of them I want there, some of them who want me, and some of them who fall in between. Some people I don't mind having around, some people I would even miss if they were gone, some people I wouldn't care if I never heard from again....but that's all of us, isn't it? It's just been on my mind lately..there are the people who can make you feel worthless without even saying a word directly to you, and there are the people who leave you feeling lukewarm all the time no matter what they do say to you. There are the people you've known for ages that you still get a little tingly in the stomach when you go to see them, and there are people that you haven't seen in ages that you'd love to take out for coffee....I suppose I should do a little catching up with people. Maybe I should meet up with Rachel and we should hit that really cool pasta place in Gaithersburg again-it was yummy. I wonder what's for dinner tonight.

But I should, even if it's not all in my head, give credit to the people that love me...I mean, if it weren't for Lisa dropping by werk every monday and wednesday, my days at werk would go SO much longer it's beyond belief...and Katie has been there a lot has Christina and Diana and Natalie and a whole array of other people that I'm not even going to start mentioning because if I do I know I'll forget someone and make them feel bad, and that's not what I wanna do. Besides, I wanted to link off to them. But thanks, I appreciate it. Heh-wednesday is my birthday, and birthdays are always so strange for 21st birthday sucked ass because I was caught in the middle of that whole Rob/eMily drama and the two of them being all cutesy and whatnot when things between eMily and I hadn't smoothed over yet at all...and that was just a sad, very very depressive birthday. I didn't drink because I figured I'd be an alcoholic by the time I came out the other side...but maybe this year will be a little different. We'll see how it turns out.

In the meantime, go amuse yourselves with Digital Playground and gmunk and play with all their neat toys..if I ever learn how to do webdesign like're fabulous. I mean, really really good. It's fun stuff. Enjoy yourselves, get your mind off things. I know I want to.

[ED NOTE: ADDED 16 October 1000EST: Girls are dumb. Every time you fall for one or think you could, every time you reach out to one or think it's worthwhile, they crush you and break your heart. That is all. Next topic please. ]