Monday 16 July 2001 // 1253 EST

Seeing: The pavement flying under my car

Hearing: St. Etienne -- Cool Kids of Death

Touching: A brand new body pillow!

Tasting: Cheese and Cracker Combos! Best thing EVER!(Combos, not necessarily this kind)

Thinking:
You know that feeling you only get in the summertime when you're walking around outside and and you're all warm and toasty, and then you walk inside where it's cool and air conditioned and you feel like you're glowing cause you're all warm and the air is cool and you're radiating heat? You know that feeling?
Yeah, I like that.

I really need to sleep more. One of these nights I'm going to make myself get to bed at a decent time and actually sleep. It's been a while since I've done that, last night was going to be it, but I got sucked into my game of counterstrike and couldn't stop playing...I think I'm addicted and should take a break. It's taking up way too much of my time that I probably should be spending doing other things...unfortunately, I can't think of much else to do, really. Anyway, today I'm going to scan some new pictures-they might not be up tonight, but I'm at least going to scan them and save them somewhere where I can get to them. And I don't care what Girl says, I'm putting the pictures of her up-I think she's gorgeous, so there.

So lately I've been looking for someone to talk to where there are no implications, where nothing is expected of me, where I can talk freely about everything that's on my mind and that person can respond to me, and we can interact, someone who'll share their thoughts on my situation and their feelings about the things I'm going through...but at the same time that someone has to not NEED something from me or EXPECT anything from me...I have too many people in my life I think to myself "I could call such-and-such" but then I think harder and realize that speaking to them would end up in them talking about themselves, or them wanting something from me, or there being other random issues between us...and sadly, I fear that therapy is the recourse for something like that. Someone told me once that "therapy is for people who don't have really good friends," and I'm inclined to believe them...but that sadly says something about the friends that I have. I love them dearly, but we all have our faults, and well, communication seems to be a popular one among people I know. I suppose I just need to do some venting, and noone's been better at that than my girl Amy...I really should suck it up and call her sometime and not be a wuss about it.

So I'm finally getting a pair of turntables. They're not going to be the best tables in the world, but they'll spin and play records, and I'll be getting a mixer, needles, cables and cords, all the bells and whistles and trimmings and whatnot...finally...now I need to find a place in the house to put it all! There's a table in my basement that's perfect for them, but I think my mother is using it for sewing, so unless I can make enough room for the turntables and whatnot AND the sewing machine and things, then I'll have to find another place for them. I was thinking about packing some things up in the back room and clearing out a little space in there for me to play around, especially since I know for sure there's no space in my bedroom for anything else, and it'll be difficult to stuff anything else in the den downstairs, but we'll see. I'm getting the tables, one way or the other-to be honest, spinning strikes me as something that'll make me really happy right now, and I want to get back into it...unfortunately that means that I'll have to start buying more vinyl, but hey, I can't complain-maybe I'll get around to satisfying my vinyl wishlist. I really think putting down some wax and making some music will cheer me up a little bit, I keep thinking about how cool it would be to get some needles and play on the tables in the radio station, with any luckin the next two weeks I'll have my own tables to play with at home.

Do you know people who relish the freedom of adulthood, but haven't the skills to make the right decisions? Do you know people who hold so fast to the experiences they've attained through the years but cannot see the wisdom in children's eyes? Do you know people who claim the strength of ages but find it only in denying the world around them and pretending it doesn't exist? In wishing their problems away or escaping them long enough to find another escape? Strength in escape is no strength at all. Someone told me once that true strength comes from within, comes from being brave enough to feel and live with your feelings, to allow your emotions to run through you...not from not feeling, not from not caring, not from pretending it doesn't matter, not from ignoring the life around you...and I see so many people around me running...and I'm tempted to run too.

But I've been running. All this time I've been running, and I won't run anymore.

I can face my problems, I can deal with them head on, I can find what I need to do to get over them, get past them. I'm tired of running, tired of escaping, tired of watching everyone around me find an escape, find something to get themselves through the night only so they can wake up the next morning feeling sorry for themselves, tired of being the only person in my circle of friends who can truly wake up in the morning and be proud of what I did last night. I'm tired of being so depressed all the time because noone is like me, I'm tired of looking for something that isn't out there...when the whole time it's right here insdie of me. I spent my whole life trying to be special, trying to be different, trying to stand out from the crowd, thinking it would make the world love me...and in actuality I underestimated how being different can be so difficult...I have what I've desired so much, and now I have to deal with it or give it up, and the latter is not an acceptable option.

I'm happy. And I like who I am. And you know what? I'm not the person you thought I was, I'm more than that-maybe I have expectations, and maybe you don't meet them, but you know what, we can get past that if you want to, but if you don't, I don't care. One thing I've learned to do very well is not care...it's a painful lesson I've had to learn with time. Escape isn't an option anymore, and for all of you who do? You mean you're not feeling, you're shutting it out? You don't care? Then you're not living...you're running away from the lives you're so bent on experiencing.

Read a good book, sit in the sunlight, think about something other than money, stop planning for things you don't know are given to you, stop looking so far in the future when tomorrow isn't gauranteed, drink a glass of chocolate milk, eat a peanut butter sandwich, take pleasure in the small things, let yourself be amused by the little things, because you know what? If it takes grand events to make you happy and to keep you amused, you really are going to be bored and unhappy for most of your life.

I know these things to be true, these are lessons that I have learned.