Friday 17 February 2001 // 0706 EST

Seeing: Soft flicker of a vanilla candle

Hearing: Christian West -- Eterna

Touching: Faulty lab equipment in the Physics Building

Tasting:Canned cornbeef hash...that desperately needs ketchup.

I could be insane, it's possible. But then again, I think it's the personal responsibility of other people in the world to make you paranoid and crazy, and most importantly not able to tell the difference...I think it's their mission in life, like god programmed the people around me to drive me nuts...but I love it, and I love life, so I suppose I shouldn't complain. I'm getting away from it all this weekend, going home for a while to take care of resupply and laundry and such, but in some ways I don't really want to be gone. I'd like to stay here and suck at starcraft and think about ordering memory so my computer doesn't run as slow as shit and I can play games with the other guys, nevermind the fact that they're all like, a million times better at them than I am...I suppose I'm just getting into the network gaming thing, although I've been watching for a while. That's not even the end of it...physics is kicking my ass, and I think that by the end of the week, I had no outdated work to anyone, so I can spend this weekend reading the textbooks that I should have been reading all the while now...with any luck, I'll walk into class on monday and tuesday and know what the hell everyone's talking about without thinking "well, I can follow along, so I should be okay for the time being."

Don't ask me why I'm awake....I think I starcrafted myself out for the evening. Yeah, I'm not really that good at it. Funny, huh? Oh well. But I'm not joking, I really do think it's everyone's given mission in life to make other people crazy. I don't know if I"m suceeding at it, but still, it's amusing enough. I sit and I don't know how I should feel about any of the people in my life, so I just try and supress the feelings until I know what to do about it. I care for some of them very much, but I could never express that-it's a sign of weaknes....and the memories of what happened to me when I expressed myself to many of them last time haven't faded or dulled yet, so that option is pretty much out of the question. I'm tired of trying to make other people happy. Anyway-some people I don't know whether to love or hate, I don't know whether to care or be apatheic...others I don't even know if they respect me or not, whether they care or not. Maybe getting away for a while will be good, it'll give me time to chill out and remember that it's perfectly okay to be on my own, that I'm stronger when I'm by myself and I can be self-sufficient. It's easy for an extrovert like me to want to draw my energy from the people around me, but I have to remember that the limitless sources are within, not without. I have to remember.

School's hard. Work is wonderful, ironically enough, I'd go to work more than class if I had the option, and I'd love to work at the helpdesk more-it's so much fun taking calls and helping people and laughing and chatting among the other kids who work the desk, it's great...fixing people's computers and killing viruses really does make you feel like you've accomplished something in your life, helping people out and being nice about it helps too. My social life...well then..let's see about that. That's a long story that I think I'll see fit to share with you.

I've been kind of lonely lately when it comes time that I actually want company-it's strange. I have so many people I could talk to, so many friends I could converse with, but to be honest, I don't really want to talk to half of them. The conversation with the girls usually turns to how much sex they're having, who they're fucking, what they did with them(fucking or not), and how much fun it is...I find that so many people, when they get wrapped up in someone else, have no identity of their own...was I like that? They can't talk to me about their life or themselves without including that person in their speeches-which would normally be fine, since if you're dating someone, they're an important part of your life, and since I'm asking about your life, then I should hear it, but honestly, all the time? I figure you could find something to talk to me about other than the guy you're sleeping with or what you did with the guy you're sleeping with for valentine's day or what he gave you or the next time you'll see the guy you're sleeping with, etc, etc. It's tiresome. Some people would say "oh, you're just jealous, you want to be that guy," and I'd reply "you're right on the first count." Sure, I'm jealous, I haven't been in a relationship(a real one, this past summer doesn't count) since Katie and I broke up before she went off to college, and I don't even remember when that was, and I haven't slept with anyone since Katie either-not that I really feel the need to get laid-I mean, other than the normal hormonal urges that any human being gets, I've been kind of devoid of sex drive, and happily so-I'm tired of being around people who base their lives around sex and alcohol, I'm tired of being around people whose morals and beliefs are so changable that I can't keep up with them...I'm through with the people who will sit with me at dinner and make fun of the girls in the ribbed sweatshirts on monday night, and then go buy one tuesday afternoon. It doesn't make sense...and I know too many people who change how they feel about things that are "important" to them all the time. It goes to show you, some people you just can't matter how much you really want to.

Beyond that, the girls are users and players, I really don't know any ladies who at all are ladylike, or demure, or kind and sweet and gentle, not to try and fit people to stereotypes, but I really do wonder sometimes how I found all the selfish ones...and the guys? For the most part, the guys are losers. I have a few male friends that I think I'm the closest to that I have been, but beyond them, it's a similar story, except they're expected to use and get laid and they really don't care. It's fun having guy talk when you're not all THAT interested in the same things, but hell, it's something to talk about...and at least another guy isn't going to stab you in the back the minute you fall in love with him...unless you're gay, which I'm not, so I don't have to worry about that.

So yeah-I'm still convinced that people are stupid, and I'd prefer to stay away from them in general, keep a lot of them out of my life-there are some people that are easy to cut off, there are others that are practically impossible. You know-Mo and Rob make a really good case for deleting AIM from my computer, I should think about it. I'd probably do a lot more of the things that make me a little happier, rather than sitting making pointless chatter with someone I probably don't want to be talking to....

::sigh:: but to this point I've been very pessimistic. I do like people, I just think they're dumb. I enjoy having them around and hanging out with them, I just wish they wouldn't talk. I love the company of a woman, I just wish she wouldn't break my heart. Funny how these things work. I want another purpose. I want to graduate and then go far away from here for a while. I want to leave and be away from all these people, I want them to miss me and I want them to realize how important I really am, how much they really do need me, or how much I really do care about them...because it seems like I'm constantly being taken for granted. I'm constantly being told the things I tell people not to tell me, I'm constantly banging my head against a wall...maybe they're just being human and I'm expecting something more from them...or maybe I've just managed to surround myself with self-righteous, pompous, selfish brats. I think it's a 50/50 shot...flip a coin, I'll call it.

I suppose I should sleep or something, I suppose I should relax. I suppose I should try and think about something else, I suppose I should write a poem..I suppose I should try and rebuild my faith in humanity, because without them I have no spiritual purpose, I cannot grow, I cannot flourish...I suppose I should get over myself and realize that I probably treat some people the way I'm begging not to be treated...I suppose I should do something different...but what that is, I haven't grasped yet..but I know it's something.

Where are you? I know you're out have to know I need you, you have to know that I miss you, that I'm looking for have to know that I'm lonely without you...and yet I look all around and I can't find it too soon? Am I doomed to be lonely without you for much longer? Watching others wallow in their ignorance and their self-justified lust? Where are you...reveal yourself to me...I feel as though I need you, I feel as though I need you to find me, to stand on your toes and kiss me, to wrap your arms around my neck and smile, smile a smile on a face that I've never seen....I feel like I need you to make this dream come true, I need you to find me, or I need to find you...I feel like my time is running short and soon things will change drastically...and where will I be? Will I look back at all the things I never did, all the opportunities I missed and wish I had taken them up? Or will I look back and look at my integrity and know that I was a strong person? I don't feel very strong, but I do think that everyone should keep some promise to themselves, they should really keep it, not change it whenever they feel like it or when they think they can justify changing it to themselves...I want to be strong and show integrity, I want to pull on that strength later. I want to be who I am and not what someone else wants me to be...I want to be that person that I know you're out there looking for...just like I'm looking for you...none of these people are you, I know they're not...they're not right, they're all horribly horribly wrong...I think for a while that maybe one of them is, but then I'm constantly reminded of why they're not...

I want to edit my buddylist. Chop off all the names of people that I know I would never start a conversation with, chop off the names of all the people that I probably shouldn't talk to or really have little interest in talking to...but then I wouldn't have a buddylist. No many times am I going to say "no offense," or "i really do love people" before I come to the conclusion that I'm being hypocritical-I really do hate the people I know, I really do dislike all of them somehow, but I still acknowledge that I need them and in some sickening, masochistic way, they make me happy, and I want them around, I want to surround myself with them...yet I'm constantly wishing I could find more, new people to spend my time with...trying to avoid the old ones that hurt me, that I let in too deep and now it's hard to get them a bullet that's in too deep and hard to remove...

Everyone talks about dreams coming true, everyone's on a self-righteous kick...and the more and more I look around, the more I realize that people are really more selfish than they give themselves credit for...myself included. I want this, I want that, I want to tell you about this, I want to brag to you about that-people's actions even demonstrate their insensitivity...or my hypersensitivity. But what it all comes down to is the fact that I wish it were a few years ago-that's right, I want to turn back the clock...maybe I would have done this whole college thing differently...maybe I would have been happier...maybe I would have better friends, different friends, maybe I would be content...maybe I would have the stability or the happiness that I want...maybe I wouldn't.

But the trick is not to wish too long, but to make the best of the situation I'm in now...and I'll do that. I just have to figure out how...I'll get back to you.