Monday 18 June 2001 // 1608 EST

Seeing: beautiful websites and interesting people

Hearing: Human Movement feat. Sophie Moleta -- Love Has Come Again

Touching: New sunglasses

Tasting: Tapwater


So I wind up asking myself, what's so horrible about real, enlightened, intelligent thought? Probably nothing, but then again I think a lot of people find their social circles an escape for what they think is intelligent thought and in actuality is not. I find myself posting meaningful things in places like and getting little, no, or negative response. It's like people have an aversion to thinking...perhaps they do. Do I spend too much time pondering the mysteries of life? Is there really nothing in the void I find myself searching so often? Is there nothing there to find, and I keep looking...pushing through the dark and feeling my way around, looking for something, finding nothing, fiegning understanding and feigning enlightenment like someone lost in the dark for ages starts to see things before their eyes that cannot be there? Or is it all too real? Is it all just real to me? Is that enough...for it to be real to me?

I'm debating whether or not I want to leave werk early today, I don't really feel like being here, but going home just means I'll be sitting in front of a different computer, playing counterstrike, or perhaps stopping off at Girl's place to drop off her Dreamcast that I got "fixed," sort of-apparently there was a bad cable, and it needed a replacement..I might have one of my own, but we'll see. I'll drop it off as is and then go home and see what the deal is.

I'm thinking about taking some time off from posting on message boards like I said I was planning on doing, maybe hit up that IRC channel that Mo and Konrad spend so much time in, it'd be nice to have someone to talk to in the middle of the night or at werk when noone's online in the middle of the day...hell, I might do IRC anyway, just to have someone to talk to-thank god for chat rooms. Open 24 hours, always willing to serve.

I'm sitting here listening to my Gatecrasher 2 disc makes me happy. Oh, by the way, does anyone want to donate to the Alan Henry wants to buy a Visor Edge Donation Fund? The Edge is only 300 dollars if I order online and give them the serial number to my old visor...::giggle:: come on, it'll be fun. Okay, maybe I can get my parents to hook me up with the money if I offer to give my current visor to them. It's a possibility, but if you're interested at all or would like to make a donation, email me. Operators are standing by. So many cool toys I want, so little money. I suppose that's what saving is for, but it's so hard when you want to go out and dance and live life like it's meant to be lived. Damn this capitalist society, I should be able to just walk into a store and pick up what I want, say "thanks, man," and walk right out with it! Hah!

Yeah, now I'm just kidding myself. If I got some people together and started something cool, then maybe these companies would give me all kinds of cool shit just so I can promote them or something...for example, I'm sure if I owned a company that reviewed tech stuff and whatnot, Handspring would throw an Edge at me to review and post my review on the net...come on, one Edge can't be that horrible for them to give up, eh? Maybe they'd give one to a loyal fan? I suppose this kind of rationalization goes for a lot of things, like computers and monitors and cars and things, but it never seems to work....I wonder why?

Okay, okay, back to reality or whatever. I was talking about thought, wasn't I? Rob and I had a really good long conversation last night about knowing oneself, and how that relates to knowing someone else...understanding that perhaps one of the most frightening and noble quests one will ever take in their lives is to know themselves...a quest that many people will never bother to begin, others will never finish...some people don't want to know, they're content to walk through life with their blinders on, never thinking past the obvious, never seeing deeper than the surface, missing the iceberg that awaits them just under the black, forbidding waters...and some of us that are brave enough to dive never really see the whole thing or touch bottom, and then some of us who see what we're looking for are so changed that we're enlightened, driven to madness, or any other number of possible futures. So let me put a question to you: If you could touch an object that would deliver to you the absolute truth about yourself-who you are, what your fears are, what your passions are, what you love, what you hate, EVERYTHING...everything deep inside you've fought to bury, everything deep inside you never knew...would you?

I think I would.

It'd be scary as hell, and it'd probably be a painful, life changing experience, but think of the clarity afterward...think of the sense of destiny, the sense of reality you'd have afterward....because once you truly know and have accepted yourself and all of your limitations and advantages, then perhaps you can start to know someone else. Rob said something amazing last night: he said "I think I'll know who I want to be with when I can tell them everything about myself, when they know who I really am, and they still love me after all that," or something along those lines(I hope I did him justice). I think there's a lot of wisdom in that. Personally, since I don't know if I'll ever really know myself to share with someone else, I think I'll be content to say that I'll be with the person who can stand with me while I get to know myself, while I learn all of these things, while I realize who I am, and they'll still love me, and I'll still love them while they're doing the same thing. Yes, they have to be doing the same thing. I don't think I could ever be content with someone who wears's aggrevates me that people can be so narrow and closed minded...there is so much more to this life that the very concept of not being willing to explore it or discover it makes me nauseous. Just my opinion.

We stayed up way too late talking about this and I got up for werk tired, but I didn't really mind, I'm happy to have intelligent conversation for a change, it's refreshing. I got up, found out that my Phys405 lab grade still hasn't been posted(probably tomorrow), showered, slid on my silver menaces and my blue dragon shirt, and headed off to werk in a stupor. No matter, once I got there, I took a computer and proceeded to let James's voice snap me awake. There was interesting conversation at werk this afternoon too, I think it's starting to find me...or maybe sending me a message: the real conversations, the really really good ones, will never be done behind the guise of a message board...they'll be done in person or at the very least in direct communication. Hm. Interesting. Anyway, I suppose I've been getting around to updating a lot more often lately, I sincerely hope you can keep up.

It's a good day. I feel good.