Thursday 20 September 2001 // 2351 EST

Seeing: Holes where once stood towers, in my life and in my heart..american flags everywhere shadowed by hatred kept out of the light...friends of the fair weather variety...a life less whole.

Hearing:U2 -- Peace On Earth

Touching: Sheets soaked with tears

Tasting: Mom's pasta casserole

Yeah, I'm back, but that doesn't mean that this god damned nightmare is's really not and I'm waiting for someone to shake me awake and bring me back to the real worl where I can curl up in someone's arms and it'll be okay, when they'll tell me it was just a dream and it's all over now and I won't have to worry about it anymore.

I pulled Nova down because of everything that happened on the 11th of September, a day that I'll never forget and my children will be taught about. This is big shit-and even though it's more than a week after it happened at this point, it's still aching in the hearts of americans and it's still a more than fresh wound, even as we, at this point strive to get on with our lives, to move on and move past this and try to live our lives, to go back to normal any way we can, but in the wake of all this try to do something with the energy that's been stirred up by all this. Find out what you can do to help and go it now.

I woke up on Tuesday morning like normal, expecting to get up and shower and head for class, it was about 915 when I got up, and as soon as I stepped out of the shower my mother came running upstairs to tell me to turn the TV on...she said someone has flown a plane into the World Trade Center. I yawned sleepily and figured that some yahoo had flown a cessna into one of the windows and that was that, but I turned on the TV anyway, and the first thing I saw was replay video of the second plane flying into the South Tower. They cut back to live image and I saw two of the most memorable buildings I've ever seen smoldering and in flames, with smoke billowing from them at all angles. I literally dropped what I was holding as it started to sink in. And then the first tower collapsed. And here I was, watching the whole thing happen on TV, not believing my eyes. Part of me didn't believe it, that part of my mind that slipped into that trance where I'm watching a movie or something, where everything I see isn't real...I couldn't believe what was happening...the news said that they were passenger jets, a 757 and a 767...loaded with fuel..and passengers. That, first broke my heart. Then I realized exactly the the Trade Center had to have been full of people...and that's when I shut off. I didn't deal, I couldn't. I collected myself and hurried to class-I had to try and make flyers, I had things to do, and I left without really talking too much about it to my mother...I offered some thoughts on all the senseless waste of lives when my mother started to talk about why something like this happened, and I offered up the question of what would happen next, and as I was on the way to campus i heard about the third plane. I think I had heard about it earlier, but I wasn't thinking clearly at that point, so it had just really hit me at that point that a plane had gone down into the Pentagon, also a passenger jet, with people on board, and into a populated section of the building. I don't think I've listened to as much AM radio that day and the following days as I ever have...I got to class and everyone was talking about it and I had had my ear to the radio the whole way there...but the loss of life hadn't hit me yet. I kept my classmates informed as I left my headphones on, went to class dilligently because the university didn't close, and eventually, after realizing that my third class was cancelled, I went to WMUC to cover the event. Staying there and making photocopies to keep me busy, I kept myself pinned to the news to hear any and all updates and information...and that's when it slowly started to dawn on me...when PMD was doing an all talk radio show talking to people about the situation and what was going on, and then when I covered a radio show later that evening, and listened to Samantha talk about how her Aunt was werking at the trade center and on the 92-3 floor when the first plane torpedoed the 90-somethingth floor really hit me. I can't tell you all how many times the ters threatened to fall from my eyes that day. I walked around and it was almost like I could feel all those lost souls, those innocent I could feel them all leaving our was heartbreaking...little by little it hit me, as I walked around campus, as I listened to the radio...thank god for sunglasses.

Classes were cancelled on Wednesday. We didn't talk much about what happened at home, but I went to campus Wendesday anyway to werk, since the university was open, but classes merely cancelled. There was a memorial service on McKeldin Mall at 1PM, and everyone was given a flower...the ceremony was short and sweet, but over 8000 people crowded the mall for it. At the end of the service, we all put our flowers along the marble sides of the Omicron Delta Kappa cascading fountain that sits in the middle of the mall. Along the sides of the mall were huge white sheets that we could write our thoughts on as we walked by-and I swear, I couldn't read what people were writing-I couldn't look or I knew I'd cry. I knew it would get to me....I think the strangest part of the service was since American airspace was restricted and there was a ground-order on all non-military or authorized flights, and every time a plane went overhead, we all looked was creepy. I went back to werk after the ceremony, dressed in all black the whole day....I don't think I'd really felt this way since I was a child...being so patriotic, but at the same time I have such a realistic spin on things was so hard not to notice the hatred seething from the american people...the was scary..people talking about nuking the middle east and declaring war, killing the "towelheads" and "sandniggers" and whatnot...and that really scared me, because I've seen that side of the American conciousness before, and I've dealt with it, and I'll have to until the day I die...and if we act in that kind of anger and hatred, then we're no better than the terrorists who attacked the Trade Center, the Pentagon, and the flight that went down in western Pennsylvania. I see it in the eyes of people around me, people close to me, even people that I figured should be better than reminds me of who I am and what I need to do and say....the stance I need to take. The way people would look at it, they wouldn't believe there were any foriegners in the Trade Center african americans, no asians, no arab-americans or middle-easterners, noone but perfectly innocent white protestant americans...
This isn't to say that I'm lowering the meaning of this tradgedy at all...I'm just scared at how we cover and react to events like this. We're still picking up the pieces, the fires are finally out and now we sift through the rubble looking for bodies and looking for our loved ones, and we fly american flags in defiance and we have rallies and town meetings and memorials, and we try and show the world that our spirit won't be broken by this, that we will come together...and this sense of overwhelming unity in America right now is such a wonderful thing that I pray it lasts...

I've specifically left out a lot of things about the whole tradgedy, and specifically left out some of my political opinions surrounding whats happened and what is happening as we speak...if you're looking for a stimulating conversation, go ahead and email me, but I don't want to pollute the purity of thoguht and emotion with that crap here.

On friday during Plastic Bohemia I honored the campus-wide 4 minute moment of silence that university president C.D. Mote minute for every flight that went down. And I went home after that, rested, and got ready to go take over Buzz that night. I picked up Samantha, and while everything was still screwed up from the events on Tuesday, everytyhing from schedules to classes to the DJ lineups at Buzz, we went anyway, and we honored a moment of silence there as well, from 1AM to 1:01AM. It was a lot of werk getting Buzz set up and ready for us, but it was more than worth it and it was an awesome time...I don't think I've ever given out so many CDs before ever...and people were wearing american flags and all their USA gear and everything, it was so amazing...that was a fabulous night...I managed to forget about all my issues, all my problems and just do what I had to do...I showed up at buzz at about 8PM and didn't get home until 8AM. It was so cold that morning, but it was so worth it.

Since then, things have been well...downhill, but tolerable. We all try and pick our lives back up and move on.
I, however, keep getting blows to the face. You know how it is, when it rains it pours. Emily left for University of California Santa Cruz, I got denied my security clearance(something about being a criminal and my judgement being in question because I go to these all night dance parties called "raves" where there is knwon drug use....what a load of bullshit..I'm a good person, I've done some bad things in my life, but I feel HORRIBLE about them and would never do anything I've done before again...they should know that, but of course not..they're too busy being lax on terrorists and people they SHOULD be watching to actually come to appreciate what I can really offer, but I'm bitter).

Maybe it's just the weather changing, maybe it's everything that's happened lately, maybe it's all of those things combined, but I dont feel so well right now. I think I'm starting to get depressed...this always happens around my birthday though, so I should have been expecting it. But it's kind of hard to not feel fucking forsaken by most people in my life. I know I'm going to go on and complain about this for a bit, but deal. I know so many people for whom the extent of them caring about someone else is marginally asking them how they're doing and then launching into a story about their lives...I don't know really anyone who really cares how I'm doing or is ready to hear it or sit down with me while I talk about my life and everything...but I suppose that's what shrinks are for. But I'll always remember that Tim said once that "Therapy is for people who don't have good friends," and I'm kind of inclined to agree. Noone's really ready to hear it, but then again, things are bad for everyone, and even if they weren't I shouldn't expect it...but I wish they didn't promise it. My friends have a unique tendancy to talk about their lives endlessly...I mean for HOURS, without paying attention or caring about the fact that either i don't want to hear it or I really need to talk to someone myself...and before I get the opportunity, they leave. Maybe I need to take command of more conversations and steer them where I want them to go. The people who are supposed to be the closest to me are the people who act like they care the least...and yes, you know who you are. I told someone the other day that half the world pissed me off and the other half depressed me, and in some VERY special cases, they get to overlap, and those are people I'm just HATING right now...people I wish I could blast out of my life. I wish in a lot of ways I could just start over, and in a lot of ways, I think I'll have that opportunity very soon....

Self-centered...cold...unfeeling...never willing to touch on anything sensitive...uncaring...distant...selfish...these are the things that come to mind when I think about the people I talk to every day. I really hate not having anyone to talk to, and it's even worse when the people who come to me and say "oh you can talk to me," or the people who claim to be willing to listen or let me rest my burden for a while are so distant and wind up talking about themselves...or even worse, you pour out your heart and soul to someone and they don't say anything, they don't talk, they don't respond...just showing you how little they care. I'm tired of listening to people's wods and trying to ignore their actions. I'm tired of it. There are some exceptions, I should say that, lots of people who are wonderful friends and there for me when I need someone...but some of you just make my life hell.

And here we are again. Classes are starting to get back to normal, I'm still upset over what happened(I don't think any of us are really going to forget or be over this in a long while), our nation gears up for military action and what looks to be another foolish war...the younger bush is following in daddy's footsteps again, thinking this will be another persian gulf...::sigh::

Old men start wars....young men die in them.

Although I've thought about joining the service, albeit not completely seriously. I mean, I would love to serve my country, but being a soldier or even a pilot like I've always wanted to be doesn't strike me as the best way to do it right now at this point in my life...I feel like I have more to offer more people in a better way...although I would love to do that. The past couple of days have been really hard since I've felt so dejected by people...I mean, there's always the glimmer of hope, but in general not...I feel so alone, so completely alone, and I feel like I have noone to turn to. Today I did something different, I went through my phone book and looked up all the people I hadn't talked to in forever, and called them...I even called Robyn McDill...remember her? Yeah...I called everyone I could think of that I wouldn't mind talking to...and left so many phone messages and asked so many people to hang was ridiculous. Hopefully those people will call me back, and I can get out of this rut. If you need something new in your life, go for it. Nothing takes the past away like the future, eh? The only way to bring new things into your life are to push out the old things.

The trouble with that theory is that some things I don't want out of my a matter of fact, I want them back desperately...I just want them better...fixed...repaired. Can I really ever have what I want?

Hmm...I need to download a new copy of Depeche Mode -- Policy Of Truth. I heard it on the radio a couple of days ago and really want to hear it again, in all it's radio entirety..I have a live version. And speaking of things I need, I really need that new Hard Drive...and that new video card...and that CD birthday is coming up, so you guys take notice. ::grin::

Oh, as an aside, we're all familiar with the concept of some girl tearing you soul out and not giving a fuck, right? Well I have a few webcomics you might enjoy reading: North, a canadian comic that seems innocent at first but eventually you realize what's going on...funny thing is that I've been in the positions of both of the two guys that are the major characters in this comic...and then there's A Heart Made Of Glass that is probably the most descriptive and accurate depiction of a breakup I've ever seen in my entire's a little exagerated in some ways, but to be honest, I think life is like that too. I definitely feel this man's pain. I've been where he was, felt what he's felt, every bit of it. So if you know what it's like to feel heartbreak, go see.

In the meantime, I'm gearing up for tomorrow-the All Nighter at the Student Union, and my party in the basement...sponsored by the Electronic Dance Music Club at the University of Maryland...of which I'm the VP, but more importantly, the party in the Tortuga Room on the ground floor from 10PM-3AM(sorry, I had to plug it) is my baby. Stop by if you'll be in the area, the DJs will be kickin ass and I'll be giving out CDs, so you have no excuse except being very far away or something. Classes are going, I need to get on the ball with werk though, I'm slacking again, but I need the money...and I really need to get out and do the things I want to do, I've been complaining about this all summer, and I think with calling some of the people I haven't spoken to in a really long time, I'll find more people who'll be willing to chill and hang out and do interesting things. Now all I have to do it get around my class and werk schedule. I'm still tryin to travel for parties and go to the smithsonian and should be fun. In the meantime, I amuse myself with new video games and things, the multiplayer test of Return to Castle Wolfenstein is out and kickin ass, even if my chipset screams in bloody agony every time I run the game and croaks out a framerate that never tops 20fps...and then there's Ragnarok Online, a korean massive multiplayer that's very definitely NOT done in the english version, but it's fun anyway and the graphics(those that are actually THERE anyway) own. I'm gonna fire that up sometime and go staB some blobs. If those two aren't your fancy, you can always upgrade to Counter Strike v1.3 and listen to all of your teammates spouting nonsense with the new audio capability.

Enjoy yourself.

In the end I suppose I thought it was time to try and get back to things, try to get back to life, try and get back into the swing of things. My isses and my problems still seem to pale in comparision to the events of the past week, but I figure that they're all I've got, and hell, this is a cathartic release for me and maybe some kind of escape for you as well, so we can werk together. I'm back.

Thanks for everything. Take care of yourselves and your brothers and sisters, and please please please help in any way you can.

May Peace Prevail On Earth.