vai minha tristeza

23 February 2004

I believe in coincidences. I believe in the power of one's own mind. I believe in the ability of one to achieve one's dreams through the power of their own thought and will, not just sitting around thinking about the things they want most and the achievements they wish to accomplish, but also by making them happen, making the reality they dream reality phyiscally, to live the life you create inside your head. I believe in all of those things-I'm that guy who thinks that when something feels right, it probably is right, when things just fall together in place right before your eyes, it probably means that you're supposed to take advantage of them. I'm that guy who believes that sometimes taking risks is worth it, and that some things are worth taking risks for. I'm that guy who thinks that more often than not when people are way too passionate about all the wrong things, maybe it's time to just settle down and not worry about it. I'm the guy who clings to emotional realities, thinking back to times gone by when I pass a landmark on the way to werk in the morning or smell a specific scent, or lay my head down to sleep at night. I am that man. Admittedly it's so much harder to life the dreamed life in reality than it is to simply dream it, it's harder to put yourself out on a limb and do the things you've always dreamed of doing instead of just thinking about them and how wonderful it would be if you did get around to doing them, but there's so much more to be said for actually doing them, even if you start down that path and eventually give up on it or it leads you somewhere else. I'm optimistic that way but I try to be realistic at the same time.

I'm the kind of person who, unfortunately, does like to think about the past a great deal. It's hard to fight myself and not allow myself to move from the occassional nostalgia to being wrapped up in how things used to be, to thinking about days gone by when I drive down the road to werk that I used to drive every night years ago, to go home to a place I used to visit pretty often. It's easy to allow myself the luxury of thinking back and wondering about how things were and why, but not to allow myself the torture of getting so wrapped up in it that I don't see the beautiful things in front of me here and now. But it's what makes life so beautiful and more perfect than it's ever been, all of that is part of what makes it a little easier and oh so essential to look forward to the here and now and to what may be, because those things are bright and shiny and I like shiny things. They're here for me to take advantage of now, and if I let myself get wrapped up in the opportunities I didn't take or the emotionally charged moments of the past, I might let them slip away, and that's not really an option for me. I've always been the type of person to be nostalgic, probably because I believe that there are a lot of lessons to be learned from the things you endure, from the things you walk through and come out the other side, the happiness and the sadness and the things you wish you hadn't done and the things you're glad you did-I believe there's a lot to be gleaned from all of that and all of those experiences, but at the same time I'm a strong believer of making the best of the now, to live in the moment and not to let a single moment slip away because you'll never ever have it back, and who wants to lose days, weeks, months, years knowing that all they did in that time was lament about times further gone by?

So off I go, thinking about where to go from here. The first goal is to take my life back from the clock-I have a hefty commute in the morning and a good long werkday where I do some really good work for some really good people but I spend a good chunk of that day doing all but nothing, and I'm tired of rushing from here to there, not being mindful of the things around me from the trees that grow on the side of the road to that itchiness in my throat that tells me I'm thirsty to the birds soaring in the near-springtime sky. I remember when I was in college and walking from class to class I noticed that there were so many people around me walking, all of them walking with their heads down, looking so depressed, looking so weary, looking so ho-hum, and I looked down at the plain, dirty concrete and saw nothing of interest that could have captured these people's attention, so instead I turned my attention to the broad blue sky overhead, teeming with birds and clouds and trails from jetplanes, majestic in it's dome-like beauty, a huge sphere of blue with me at the very center, enough to make me dizzy in it's awesomeness, and I loved every moment of it, loved every moment of that slightly dizzy feeling you get when you lose a little balance and at the same time feel like you're the center of all being, and you realize that as far as you're concerned that's exactly what you are-you are the center, you're it, that's all you are but all you are is everything. I don't want to be one of those people, I don't want to look at the ground, I want to see the sky.