complacency is the enemy

23 May 2005

I'm horribly amused that my last post here was when we moved into our new place several months ago, and now we're eagerly awaiting the opportunity to get out and into another place. Times change, that they do. I got my job over a year and a half ago, and I'm already wanting for something more rewarding, something different that actually makes greater use of my skills and at the same time doesn't put me in such an annoying and uncomfortable work environment. Yes indeed, times do change. But so do people, and that's a good thing.

I had been pondering things like this quite regularly for a while, then life became something of a whirlwind that didn't allow for much idle or introspective thinking, the kind I used to relish late nights by candlelight in my bedroom, watching the same anime over and over again on mute while music played in the background. I miss those days to the extent that I miss doing those things and I'd like to do them again, I'd like to spend evenings with music in the background playing nonstop while I do other things, I'd like to have the time to cook and relax at home really before shuffling off to bed. And I also like to believe I can make that time, I just have to figure out how.

I've been wrangling with a bit of "who am i?" lately, nothing horridly difficult, but just a little pondering. All the results are generally positive, so that's not a problem, but I do wonder sometimes; where am I going? What do I want to do, really? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? And these are all questions that I won't bore you with the horribly long answers with, but they're important to me, at least in this point in my life. You see, I'm a horribly ambitious person, and I've never been the kind of person who can look at multiple choices, easily choose a path, and be happy with it. Even when I'm playing a game I'll turn left at a fork in the road and wonder what was to the right; even play the game again to find out. When I was young, I'd read Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books like every kid does, and when presented with a difficult choice, I'd choose one, but hold my finger in the page at the choice so if I didn't like it I could go back and do the other one without hesitation. I'm that guy. I couldn't decide between Physics and Astronomy, so I majored in them both. I didn't like it as a career, so I chose something completely different there, too. I don't want to be a tech forever, so I'm getting an MBA. The options are broad and expansive, the directions in which I can take my life endless, and I'm reeling at the combination of opportunity and chance. There are so many doors, and I'm intent on taking them all. I'm an ambitious fucker, and I like it that way. I want to do it all, be everywhere, experience everything, and I'm happy with that. What I'm not happy with is not being able to, even though that's how it works-there are only so many hours in the day and we have to sleep, and as much as that annoys me, I love my bed too much to give it up.

So that leads me to where I am. I want to write, comment, review technology and write about it, be on the forefront of tech news and information, I want to play with the new toys and tell you whether they're worth your while or not. I enjoy being a IT professional, but I'm tired of fixing things, I want to get ahead of that game and tell you ahead of time what will and won't break. I love it. I love tech writing, tech journalism, and tech commentary, so I do it. I write articles, I comment on developments, and I enjoy it. I might even want to do it professionally. But there's more. I'm political. I'm an activist. I want to change the world, help people from those who would exploit them, right the wrongs done by men to other men, level the playing field, shout and make my voice heard. So I do this too. I write political commentary and link other articles and talking points. I read and stay on top of the news, and I participate in discussion and activity when I can. I make my voice heard in the ways that I can. But that's not all either. I love music. I can spend hours in front of my turntables, trying to make that perfect mix, playing spine chilling track after track, experimenting with aural magic, feeling the music move the air around me, playing soundbytes and old 80s tracks and mixing in last year's trance. It's glorious, and I love it, and I would love to share it with more people. But I haven't time to to get out to the parties to do the same kind of networking I did in college, nor do I have the same hunger for the crowded, smoke-filled clubs that I used to, or for paying 50 bucks to go to a 12 hour party to see djs I didn't know or alternatively have to fight a massive crowd just to catch a glimpse of. The child that enjoyed doing tricks and spinning across the dancefloor, and carving light out of the darkness with a few sticks between my fingers still lives in my heart, he just doesn't have the money or the time to do what he used to, or the desire to clamor with people likely much younger than I now. So I do what I can, make music in my home and on the net, and build an empire alternative to such things. But that's not it either. I love to lounge, I love to relax, and I have other interests that intrigue me as well-travel, reading, and more, and I want to find time and energy for those things as well. Like I said, I'm an ambitious boy.

And so you see the dilemma. So much to do, not enough time, not enough days, especially with other responsibilities tied on top of it all. But dealing with all of it, as well as the rigors of daily life, are all parts of being here now-living in the moment, and trying to make the most of every second I'm breathing, so while I can bemoan having a long want list and not enough time or resources to do it all, I cannot forget to value each moment as it comes. There's a lot going for me right now, and there are a lot of challenges at the same time, but my advice to myself, and anyone else who feels the same pain, is just that-to make the most of every single moment, but don't forget your dreams or goals and aspirations. I know far too many people who let their dreams go, decide they've "changed" and want something different; or something different happened on them and they decide that it's now what they want-I know so many people who have let noble dreams die because they just give up, or because they feel like they can't have them, I've known so many people who have just given up on living the life they see in their heads, and instead change those dreams to fit the reality, instead of making the reality work for the dreams. And it makes me sad, makes me appreciative of what I have and where I'm going, and makes me remember my dreams and desires, make the changes I need to, but never to comprimise those dreams because I feel like I can't or life won't let me. And I would gladly give that advice to anyone else who feels that the things they want from life are out of reach because of some arbitrary factor like that. I known artists who gave up art because they were lazy, I've known poets who gave up poetry because they didn't think it would get them anywhere. I've known activists who gave up because they thought they weren't being heard, and I've known thinkers who gave up thinking because they decided it was a whim, and time to follow the next one. And while I admittedly have to be coming off as waxing superior to all of those people, as though I had some god-given right to tell them where they should or shouldn't be going in their lives, or how they're allowed to change and what they're allowed to dream, I can only wish that their movements in this life bring them happiness; regardless of what they've said, what they've dreamt, and how they've changed. Perhaps someday I'll be that person who dreamt passionately of something and then changed later for some reason-but if I'm happy, then it's all been worthwhile. What pains me is to see tortured happiness; people accepting their fate and forcing themselves to be happy with what they have, as blessed as it is, while subconciously pining for what they've lost. This behavior has driven more men and women into madness and depression than I can count. And I would hate to be one of them, and similarly not wish such on anyone.

But getting away from the lives of others, this brings me to the heart of the problem. Where to find the time, how to make it happen. And that is the pivotal question, how do I find time to make it all happen. I don't have an answer, but I'd like to find one; especially before I get to the point where I'm distressed over missing opportunities and not living the way I want to, or worse, so distressed over these things that I accept that it simply can't be done. That I want to avoid above all else. My parents raised me to be a dreamer, but to also have the tenacity to make those dreams my reality, and the people I love, the people who make an impact on me, have only supported that notion, the people I choose to spend my time with only show me again and again that such a thing is possible. So then, that's to stop me? Exactly my point.

I think the coming months will be a good start. Raevyn and I will be travelling, seeing places we've never seen, and going places we've never been. Doing things that make us happy. Travelling, relaxing, making music, playing games, nesting, decorating, designing, speaking out, making love, cheering and jeering, being passionate, reading, learning, moving on, moving up, getting out, making our dreams reality. I don't want to run out of steam on that, or give up on those dreams. Remind me not to, if I ever forget, and if I ever do forget, I want this written down-I want this voice to myself written here to remind me, to whisper in my ear "never give up, never stop dreaming, never stop doing, never settle for what you're handed," should I ever tire of the journey and decide to stop a little too long. The trip is long and difficult, but what lies along the way is wondrous and infinite, and my sandals have yet to be worn in.