Friday 24 April 2001 // 0250 EST

Seeing: Big O!

Hearing: Nina Gordon -- Tonight and The Rest of My Life

Touching: Warm hands on cold sheets

Tasting: Orange Juice. No Pulp.

Things are looking up, but maybe it's because it's the end of the semester. Either way, I'm happy, and like I said, things are looking up. I've been getting enough sleep lately, and even though I really don't like my classes all that much, I go and I try to do my best and I try and try to stay focused and pay attention...but it's so, I don't have ADD or something like that, it's just that my mind is a quick mover, and if you can't hold my attention, I'll drift onto bigger and brighter things that attract my psyche is distracted easily by shiny things, I suppose, and by shiny things I mean anything that I really find interesting, and by interesting, I don't mean physics. ::sigh:: I really don't have a passion for it, to be honest, I really don't enjoy it, and I know I'm not majoring in it because I want to be a great physicist, I know I just want something to bolster my Astronomy degree, and I know it'll be better for me in the long run...but as much as I complain, this is my hardest semester, so I suppose some of it comes from that. As soon as it's over, in less than a month, then everything will be said, done, and with any luck, over and I won't have to deal with a lot of it again.

But on to better and brighter things, like I said...I'm working pretty hard, but Ultra set me back further than I thought it would by about 100 dollars, and then my cellphone bill from that trip came in, and the roaming charges almost doubled it, and blehblehbleh...I'm in debt. I know it. And there's so much I want to buy...but I suppose I"ll be okay...hey, that's what high paying summer jobs are for, right? I'll stick it through the summer and pay off my credit card bill, and with any luck, I'll even have money left over to play with some. I've been meaning to buy all kinds of things. So anyway.

It's 256AM, I have an exam tomorrow that I don't care at all about...::sigh:: I wish I could start caring, I don't, but I at least wish I enjoyed it more. I'll probably finish this and go to bed..sleep is a wonderful thing. But after tomorrow's exam, I won't care about ANYTHING. I get paid this friday, a lot of it is going to bills, but I'm definitely gonna play with some of it, and by play I mean buy tickets to the HFStival...

Definitely spring. I walked outside today and everything was covered in pollen...I mean striaght yellow. I should dust my room and burn another stick of'll be nice. But anyway. It's spring. And I'm happy...hell...usually I'm all like, my relationships start in the cold weather and fade in the hot weather, or in the case of last summer, don't last at all, but this one is finally different..I have something mature here, something really special, something really emotional, something really spiritual, something really...amazing. And I really want to hold on to it...I really want to hold on to her...I mean, who else misses you less than two hours after you dropped them off at home when you were supposed to be doing other things and you ditched all your responsibilities to spend the day with them? Waking up next to her is an amazing thing, something I'd love to do more often...falling asleep next to her is another amazing thing..something I'd love to do more'm going on like this, but honestly, I don't think I've felt a love like this before. It's strange how fate plays these games with you, how just when she tosses her drink in your face and you think that she's being a bitch, she can come across with the sweetest gift that you could imagine....Christina and I have been friends for 6 years...we've known each other a really long time, and we've always loved each other...but I suppose this is our time...we had our chances before, we never took them. We had the opportunities before, we didn't take them...we fell into the arms of people who rejected us, manipulated us, tortured us, and drained us...and now we somehow find each other and in the midst of all of this, we manage to find each other...if someone had told me a 6 weeks ago that in 6 weeks I'd lay next to the most amazing woman in the world in 6 weeks, I'd be thrilled...if they told me I knew her already and had known her for a long time, I would have been confused. If they had told me it would have been her, I wouldn't have believed it.

Imagine this, a girl who completely rejected love, someone who couldn't bring themselves to believe anymore, someone who had been hurt and drained too many times to count, meets me, a boy who's sick to death with the hook-up single life that he tried even though he knows it doesn't suit him, someone who's been manipulated and tortured, especially recently, someone who's energy is so weak he doesn't know how to feel better yet...and the two of them start remenscing about the times they spent together and chatting about the times they missed...they get closer all over again, they learn more about each other every day and they fall in love all over love with the people they were, in love with the people they are now...

See, some people in this situation would fall in love expecting her to be the person she was when I knew her...when I was that close to her...she's been through a lot and she's not that person anymore...and I know she feels the same way about me...and we love each other anyway. We spend our evenings in spiritual connection, we talk to each other and we share our memories, we fall asleep on the phone with each other and talk about the next time we're going to get drunk, we ponder why things are so hard for people and why we have to live the life that we live...and we wax philosohpy and friends, and wonder why it seems that sometimes the people who are the closest to us are the ones who treat us so irrationally...why the ones we'd like to love the most are the ones who are the worst to us...I'll tell you, it's refreshing to have someone I can turn to...someone who doesn't expect anything from me or need anything from me except my love and devotion, something I'm all too ready to give. It helps you look at the other people in your life with a perspective you didn't have when you felt like you needed every one of them to go on breathing...but having someone who shows you how to give your heart wings helps you find some of that strength on your own to do the things for YOU...but you have to be careful that strength is from within and not from that person...::giggle:: I sound so Celestine.

So that's where I am now. In love, I suppose. I have been for a while now, but I haven't really talked about I suppose this is know how it all is now. I've pushed at it and dropped the hints, but yeah....this is it for me, I'm really happy...probably the happiest I've been in years. I haven't felt this healthy in a really long time...longer than I can really remember, and healthier than I really ever remember feeling. Be happy for me. I am.