Tuesday 3 July 2001 // 1304 EST

Seeing: New Windows skins

Hearing: Junior Jack -- My Feeling

Touching: Dryer sheets all over my bedroom floor(I really do use too many, but I love fluffy laundry)

Tasting: Homemade chocolate chip cookies

I think I'm gonna do a little redesign of all my thoughts pages...make them tables and bring in the margins a little big, I think it'll make it look a bit cooler...heh. Or maybe I just don't sleep enough. When I have nights like last night, when I meant to get to bed at something like 1AM like I should have, I stayed up, watched some anime, played with WindowBlinds(a new windows skinning program I found last night, you should check it out, you can pick it up here, it's really cool), folded some laundry, and ate some leftovers...talked to Diana lots, and that was fun-sometimes it's not horrible to have a meaningful conversation with a friend for a few hours, even if it is over AIM. I do, however, in a lot of ways wish that I could have been in bed with girl, fast asleep. I seem to be able to sleep much easier when I'm with her than in my own bed sometimes. I really need to suck it up eventually and just spend the night on a werk night and come home in time to make it to werk, forget what my parents might do or say...I mean hell, what'll it be like when the summer is over and school starts again?

I can't really complain, though. I'm flat broke until this weekend, and tonight I'm supposed to go out with eMily for a few drinks...I hope girl will be up and whatnot when I'm done hanging out with her, I do want to see her tonight, especially if she doesn't werk tomorrow. If she doesn't werk tomorrow(like I don't), then I'm going to curl up in bed with her and sleep till the morning, being with her is so relaxing.

Speaking of girl, I was worried for a little bit, but not anymore. I suppose it all comes down to what I told eMily yesterday: Sometimes you have to just drop it, all of it, and realize that sometimes, just sometimes, just being happy is more important than everything else. And that's the conclusion I came to. Human beings have this innate tendancy to try so hard to change the people they're romantically interested in, and then be upset when the person they see in front of them isn't the same person they were in love with. It's a painful cycle. Ultimately you have to understand that in the end, you can't a) be responsible for or b) change someone's behavior, even if you're not a big fan of it. And if you want people to be wary of your emotions, you have to be wary of theirs. I mean, that's not a huge lesson, or a new one, but it's good to be reminded every now and again when it's so easy to get mad because you hear the things you don't want to hear or see the things you don't want to see..sometimes just dropping it is easier than asking someone to be more careful of your feelings. The only thing I worry about then is whether I'm just allowing myself to build a layer of coldness to what other people do, and that's not always a healthy thing to do.

I want a cupcake. I think I'll run out to my car and pick up some change, go upstairs and buy myself a snack. I'll be back.

Yeah, well, where was I? Oh yeah. Sometimes being happy is more important, not because there's nothing underneath it, not because I'm ignoring something, but because sometimes, just sometimes, you just have to let some things go inside you. Yeahyeah, some of you might think that I'm broken-and you're right about one thing, it SUCKS when you're broken of something that you believe in, but you're wrong about the important thing, it's that at least right now, I don't consider myself broken. I still don't like things, I just don't care. ::grin::

Anyway, things are strange, I'm kind of up but down at the same time, I can't really complain too much. I don't completely know how I feel about everything from years past or even months past springing up to greet me, but I'll take it in stride, I mean, I did offer the world an Alan to hang out with and have fun with, I suppose now I just need to get myself in the position where I'm happy doing those things. I mean, I have a blast talking to all my old friends, but when it comes to getting up the nerve to actually go and hang out with them, that's a different story, for some reason I get cold feet. Maybe I'm addicted to counterstrike, you never know. Heh..speaking of which, I downloaded the deathpak..it's fabulous. Really helps the game, so if you play, you should download it, and no, NOT just for the naked hostages...sheesh.

I really need to sleep more. Ironically enough, the only time I really get to bed early is when I'm with girl and we both drift off to sleep. I suppose that in my room there are too many distractions...and by too many distractions, I mean my computer is in the room also. That offers enough of a distraction all by itself. Last night I spent most of the night downloading cool wallpapers, winamp skins, ICQ skins, windows skins, and playing with my operating system until the sun came up...and then I couldn't sleep. I came to the conclusion that I really need a new monitor. Not that it really matters anyway, because if Diana is wonderful enough to buy my monitor from me, then I'll need a new one anyway, and I can invest in a gorgeous 19 inch or something. I might do it this week, depending on how much one might possibly cost. Not that it matters all that much, I'll probably start looking for sales and whatnot, but not really until I've sold my current monitor...I have to keep telling myself that I'm putting off buying any computer equipment or spending any real money on myself until I manage to pay down my credit card. An idea popped into my head last night, my dad told me once that you can send payments to your credit card even when there's no bill due, so I think I might do that-take out a little bit every paycheck I get and send a check off to the credit union...that'll help pay it down a lot quicker if I don't come off with the feeling that "oh, this check is mine to play with!" Besides, it's good for me. Amusing the things we come up with in our thoughts, I mean, some people can go on for hours about things that are deep and meaningful and philospohical, and I can sit here and go on about my financial status and the life conclusions I come to, and it's still just as valid. Anyway, I just wanted to take a little time to say that I love Nova-it really is, in a lot of ways, my baby, and I love looking at it, I love plugging it, I love updating it, and I love tweaking it, and I think I'll continue. We might be looking at a redesign soon, after I take these two HTML classes coming up and play some with CSS and whatnot. So we'll see. Stick around, it'll be interesting.