now and then, here and there.

27 January 2004

Just a few days ago I was thinking a bit about how a lot of people's lives around me have changed, how they've changed, and how they're doing things to either make themselved happy or to prove to themselves that they've changed. Whether that's a good or bad thing is always up to them to decide, but I personally started thinking about how I've managed to change, what I've done and where I've been in the past few years and what I've managed to accomplish. I remember a time when I used to say to myself that I had no life of my own, I had nothing to show for my own personal hard work and effort, and I wanted that for myself before I could feel secure in who I was and where I was headed. I was saying that years ago, even months ago. And while I don't think that by any means I'm a complete person, that I'm finished growing or changing or becoming(and for that matter I hope I'm never finished), I stopped and blinked while I was discussing the bit with Raevyn and realized something important.

I've come a long way, baby.

No, seriously. I kept thinking of myself in terms of what I have yet to accomplish, what I haven't managed to do, what I've been looking forward to, and suddenly I had a lack of short-term goals in front of me. The mental list I had been working so hard on scratching items off of was suddenly empty of things I could work on at the immediate moment. I was appalled. So much so that I stopped munching on my plate of Macho Nachos(courtesy of a lovely night at my favorite Diner) and told Raevyn what I was thinking. I've all but grown up in all the exterior ways: I have my own new car, a really good job at a wonderful place that pays well and is NOT the University that I spent so much of my life, I'm moving in to my own place(one that-even though I'm renting-I can call my own and then plan for the next big step-owning my own place), I have the turntables and computers and gear and other silly materialistic things I've always wanted and have no plans on any new stuf(save maybe that G5 that you guys are gonna help me buy, right? Okay it was worth a shot), a pretty balanced budget, and a real life of my own with friends and things to do and people to see. I've grown in all the internal ways too-I have a loving and wonderful serious relationship with a woman who's beautiful in every way I can imagine, I'm getting my MBA, I'm walking around with two Bachelors degrees in my pocket, I'm working someplace where my knowledge is useful and desired, I'm working on building my own consulting firm, I feel like I actually have my head screwed on straight and I'm finally following that sense of destiny that I've had for so long.

It took a good swift kick in the butt by fate herself or what-have-you to get me in motion on all of this, but it's been more than worth the movement. I had a car accident, I'm okay but my poor old car wasn't. I was thinking about a new car sometime in the future, but wasn't sure how I was going to pay for it. Turned out that paying for it really wasn't a problem if I worked my budget properly and stopped eating so much fast food. Then I got the wind up to move into my own place. Wondered how I was going to pay for that. New higher-paying job fell into my lap. What about grad school? No problem, I can finish that fine. The blocks started to fall into place, and while I'm not saying it's easy or simple by any means, I can honestly say that they are falling and they do fit, and it's like playing that one level in Tetris where you can keep up, but it's not easy, but it's not too hard either. You know the one, couple of close calls, some misplaced blocks, but you've got it under control. Don't know what I mean? Sheesh man, go play some Tetris.

Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I'm actually glad I've come so far. I'm a very different person than I was even a few months ago, a lot more motivated to make the changes I need to make to be successful, a lot more stable in a variety of different ways, and a lot more able to handle the instability that comes with making significant life changes and decisions. I'm happier this way. I'm happy I've changed, and I look back on the person I was not with disdain or the wish that I knew then what I know now, but with the knowledge that every experience and every trial and tribulation I went through sums up to be me, the person I am at this very moment at the position in life that I'm at right now. And I smile at that knowledge, looking forward to the changes I have yet to make and the weaknesses I have yet to test and the strengths I have yet to utilize. I'm glad. I'm not stagnant, even when I'm afraid I'm being stagnant.

That means a lot to me. I always was somebody, there was never any question of that, but I can really hammer it home now-I am somebody. I'm still somebody and I'm still going to be somebody. I have everything to be proud of and no reason to be shy about it.