Friday 28 September 2001 // 0158 EST

Seeing: Dark clouds on the horizion

Hearing:Kristine Blond -- Loveshy(Electrique Botique Vocal Mix)

Touching: Ice melting through my fingers

Tasting: DoubleStuf Oreos

Gotta be strong.
I'm trying to rid myself of my gentle nature.

I mean it a little differently this time. I think I'm managing to be more and more ruthless, little by little, but I do have to learn more to go after the things that I desire...the things that I want-with some ambition...I know inside that I want them, I try for them, I reach for them, but I don't seem to get there all the time, and I don't always go for it the way I should. It's kind of a sophomoric idea, that if you see something you want, you should go for it, but I suppose of late I've been reminded that I don't always do that and that even when I think that some of my passivity has gone and left me stronger for it, I'm not through with it and a lot of it is very much still there, keeping me from doing the things I want to do and instead hoping somewhere inside that those things will be offered to me or presented to me, when me of all people should be out there trying to get all the things I want, collect all the things I need, and grabbing any opportunity that comes withing arm's reach or even more. I have to learn to take those things into account.

Suzanne Vega's Tom's Diner is an awesome song. Everyone should have a copy.

This week was annoying. Okay, we haven't even finished recovering from the events on September 11th, which, by the way, have their own nouns now, people don't really say "The collapse of the world trade center towers in new york" or "the hijackings and terrorist attacks," perhaps because that involves too many words, but I hope that's it and it's not some form of political correctness, because our children will have no semblance of such things. We call them "The Tradgedies," similar to greek proportions, which may or may not be true. Either way, we're not even done with that yet, we're still walking, still donating blood, still giving money and clothes and canned food, still mourning the losses of our own and the hundreds of firefighters and police officers still missing, and the thousands of people that are still missing underneath all of that we try to get back to our normal lives, we try and forget that there are still more than FIVE THOUSAND PEOPLE still under all of that concrete, steel, and debris....all of them most likely dead. All those lost souls...and all we can do is mourn while our governmenr does a lot of political posturing and gauging whether or not public sentiment will allow them to bomb the hell out of Afghanistan. Regardless-I do understand the need to get back to normal, I'm not saying we shouldnt-I am saying that we can't forget so quickly, and we still need to help those in need in any way we possibly can.

Tornadoes. Yeah-I'm not going to link to any of those silly pages that show the tornado damage.....oh yeah I am. Try these on for size...
TerpIdiots Normally a site with plenty of pictures of idiotic UMCP students doing things that get them watched by the cops, thrown out of residence halls and ridiculed by their friends for, but still...who knows where these pictures come from..
One guy's snapshots of everything he saw. At least he's trying to be tactful now...when the pictures first went up, they were just grinning and all, but I understand how it can be so surreal at the time.
Another guy's snapshots Reveal a different look at the whole thing...this guy in the Astronomy Department that I know, but probably doesn't remember me(yeah, that's pretty much the entire astronomy department at maryland...they're probably like "who's that black kid who's been taking our classes all this time), but there are LOTS of pics here, so take a look.

This was insane. I mean really nuts. Cars on top of each other, 2 people killed, others injured...over 700 students completely homeless, many of them even as I write this...Denton community evacuated, my old building and my old community...I really hope that everyone was okay...and walking around campus you can still see the damage done by the storm, you can still see the trees lying uprooted, you can still see the debris, you can still see the fences torn apart and the leaves everywhere, the windows's insane...and people have to keep trying to go about their daily lives-classes were cancelled on Tuesday, but started right up again on Wednesday and that was ridiculous...Rt. 193 was still closed and traffic was a mess, it took me 2 hours to get to campus in what is normally a 25-30 minute drive. I managed to get to werk though, and I suppose that's a good thing...and then today I had to go to class...things were relatively back to normal. So yeah, another tradgedy to mark up on the wall...this really is insane.

I look at the clouds and they're dark and the wind blows through my clothes and across my arms...the leaves are changing colors and some of them have even started falling, and then all of a sudden it comes to me...autumn snuck up on us. I actually wore sleeves to the warehouse party and felt good about was so nice outside, but I gotta say, inside was SO hot...i went to Static, this warehouse party in Baltimore last saturday...that was..uh...dumb. I mean, it wasn't so much a party as it was a really big like, meet. Very few people were dancing, the sound was really bad because of the acoustics(the party was in a skate park-the speakers were awesome, but they were all on one side of the room, and the wooden skate gear took up most of the space, and all that wood..well..yeah. I stayed about two hours or so, then Liz and Art and I left and went back to college park and chilled at her place for a while, watched Good Will Hunting, which, may I say, is a fabulous movie...I mean FABULOUS, and we went home. It was a good night, but then again, any night chilling with Liz is a good night-that girl makes me laugh, she's a cool one.

The allnighter. Yeah well...let me put it this way: the first DJ's[Christine Moritz-awesome lady] set was good, but she had problems with the mixer and the equipment. She brought in the most people, but was kind of a rough beginning. I thought everything would be okay after a little shakedown, but the pause between sets was no good...then the second DJ[AKurate-awesome guy] was on when we blew a circuit in the room we were in that put us without sound for 10 minutes and without video projections for the rest of the night. The third[Ninjah-kick ass hard dark trance] and fourth[DeeJayClutch-you know him..funky house master] were really good too, but by that time, the people had left and the interest had died...::sigh:: And we put so much werk into it too-the plastic tarp on the walls we decorated with had to come down because the fire marshal threw a fit(bastard could have TOLD US what our decorating restrictions were BEFORE, when I ASKED) and that was that. I was so depressed I went back to Phil's place after the allnighter with Art and Liz and Ilya and Christina and Doug and Phil and proceeded to get COMPLETELY DRUNK. I mean PLASTERED. I had no idea where the night went until it was like 6AM and I was still drunk. And yes, I drove home. I waited a few hours to try and sober up, but I couldn't stay any longer and I wanted to be in my own bed, so I got in my car and made my way home...not before stopping at McDonalds for a little breakfast. I was so scared though-I know that if I had been pulled over I probably would have been fucked, but that wasn't it...I wasn't worried abouy myself-I was worried about other people-I wanted to just get home, because I knew that in a situation like mine, if something horrible happened and I got into an accident, then I would be the one who walked away just fine and it would be someone else who suffered for my idiotic I tried to be careful on the way home...I got home in one piece and hopefully so did everyone else, and I slept all up, showered, ate something, and headed out to the aforementioned warehouse party. I haven't even mentioned the AllNighter to the list...I don't think I really want to talk about it anymore.

My cosmology class is cool. I just thought I'd mention-it's really intruiging to be discussing the past and future of the universe based on what we know's actually really if only I could pin down the equations and do the math, then I'll be happy. I guess that goes for both my cosmology and my thermodynamics class. I think I'll try and get some werk done this weekend while I have a little free time. I hope my social life doesn't keep me too busy though. ;) I mean after all, it looks like I already have plans for tomorrow, saturday, and Sunday. We'll see what happens. I get paid tomorrow, then I have to pay bills, so we'll see how much money I have left. Hell, I always have a credit card for that sword I might be looking at. ;)

I've been having a little trouble sleeping lately. I've been having specifically lucid and dramatic dreams about my friends...I can remember the things they do and the things they wear, the situations we're in and the things that happen, and I don't know if they really mean much...if I were to listen to eMily, then my dreams mean a lot and I should keep an eye on them and what's happening parallel in my life and see wha tthey mean...but I don't know.

Things have been getting back to normal at werk too, I've been trying to make my shifts normally again, and it's been werking out...too bad they're going to turn the helpdesk into all fulltimers soon...and then the students will be left with the WAMlabs, and I guess that's okay....I'll miss taking calls though. Oh well. Maybe by the time I graduate they'll want me fulltime? It'd be nice. Before that happens, however, I should try and be nicer to the customers and not so bitter. ;) There'll be time to be bitter after hours...I should be happy and helpful to the customers at the very least, I can be bitter and angsty with the other employees. I mean, I'm good at what I do, no sense in doing it without a smile.

Belinda Carlisle's Circles In The Sand is a good song too.

In the meantime, tomorrow I'll be heading down to dupont or georgetown or something-it'll be nice to eat at WrapWorks tomorrow and just chill out downtown, I think it'll be fun-I haven't been there in a long time. It'll be relaxing. In the meantime, I should go pick out the vinyl I want to take to the radio station tomorrow, since I do have a Radio Show tomorrow.

And just for your amusement...

I can't tell you how many times I've felt like that.