Tuesday 31 July 2001 // 1334 EST

Seeing: Girlfight

Hearing: Fuel -- Bad Day

Touching: A small bottle of lotion

Tasting: Macaroni and Cheese

The past few days have been pretty rough, so sorry if I haven't been as full of life as I really should be. But I suppose that's a symptom of the larger problem in general, that I feel so lethargic and down all the time, and personally, I feel like I'm too damned young to have to put up with all this nonsense. I feel like I should be out enjoying life, chasing the night and running from the sun rising at my back..I should be feeling alive, not dead every day. I should run out into the sunshine and picnic on the national mall and see the natural history museum...be inspired at the Herschorn and walk through the woods, I should go swimming and eat sushi, and I should be happy and drive through the night on an empty tank of gas with the wind in my hair and the music up so loud it's the only thing I can hear...and I should have company if I want it, and that's the hard part, I suppose. Some people are too busy, some people are willing to go out with everyone but me, some people can say no to me but never to anyone else, some people just don't have the interest. Some people are too tired and some people don't want to do the same things, some people aren't as lively and some people just want to get drunk and hit the bars. Some people would rather sit and play video games and some people are perfectly happy doing nothing, some people do everything and when it comes to me they don't want to do anything, some people complain that I don't want to do anything either but don't talk to me in the first place. Some people keep me waiting for hours and don't care and some people are left waiting for weeks. But I suppose I can't complain too much, I suppose I just want people to run around with, to do things with, so hang out with...I'm tired of spending my days wishing I had a reason to take a day off and my nights sitting inside watching the wind blow the trees outside when I wish I could be feeling that wind through my clothes and breathing the night air...in the city, through my car windows, anything..

And in the meantime, it seems like a drama bomb exploded over the past few weeks and we've been feeling the effects ever since. It's been so strange. It seems like some aspect of everyone's life has been bothering them or making them discontent, or even worse, some people's lives have been crashing down around them for some unknown reason. It's confusing to say the least. I don't know why something seems to be horribly wrong with everyone, or worse why everyone feels like I'm a certified clinical psychologist and that calling me up or sending me an IM is the same as presenting a coupon for a free session. Normally I don't mind when people come to me with their problems, as a matter of fact it makes me happy to help get things off other people's chests, but to be honest, there's a point where it just gets to be too much and I can't deal with it all, much less deal with my own problems at the same time...sometimes it brings me down...and even then it seems that right when you're at your worst, someone wants to talk to you not about their problems, which would make things worse, but they want to deluge you with how happy they are and how their life/relationship/sexlife/experiences/drama is the best thing ever and how they're so happy...which also just..well..makes things worse. I suppose I was in the mood at that point that I just wanted someone to talk to and noone was around. Do any of you have phone numbers I can call after midnight and nooone will care? It'd be nice to have someone to talk to late at night, that seems to be when everything comes down around me, it'd be nice to have someone to call, without fear of waking them up if they have to be up the next morning. But it really would be nice to have someone to talk to, to really discuss or wax philosophy or to have a psychological discussion with for hours, it'd be wonderful...maybe I just shouldn't be so picky about who I really want to spend that time with. Perhaps I'll try a few new things and get back to you, we'll see what happens in the near future.

Oh yeah, and I'll delve into a little web-loggyness and post a few links that you'll probably love:
First thing's first, everyone I know hates pepsi and loves coca-cola, and I'm always impressed when a big business screws over the little guy, so all you pepsi-hating morons can choke on this, a beautiful and well written story about how coca cola went on a huge campaign of fraud, harrassment, lawsuits, and bribery to push this guy down when all he did was legitamately submit his ideas to them..they stole his ideas, used them, tried to keep him quiet..the works...this is material for a good novel, if you ask me.

And for your further enjoyment, I present Wu Name That'll give you your very own Wu Tang Clan name, based on your own real name...yeah, I'm Optimistic Lyricist...I think it works for me.

As for the rest? Well, it'll have to wait until I get home to my actual bookmarks, but those will be sent out over Osirus later this evening, along with the coca-cola thing, well, because Coke sucks and I hate it and I'm glad to actually finally have proof to the fact. So if you're subscribed, you'll see some more amusing toys in your inbox, if not, well, I'll get to you later.

In the meantime, I suppose I'll sit and try to figure out how to feel more alive, how to do more with my life, how to see more people and do more things, and at the same time do the things I want to with the people I want to, but hey, I suppose you can't have everything. I'll do just fine, I suppose, gotta take care of things, you know. I'm just tired of spending so much time playing video games that the people I talk to online during my games are more amusing to me in a lot of ways than the people I see in real life. Now THAT'S sad. I'll pull myself out of this, I swear I will...I've just been in a slump lately, I suppose.