A few days ago I ate lunch with some animals. I was sitting under the shade between the Math building and the Physics building munching on a burrito when a squirrel came along and sat itself right next to me, as though I weren't there....much closer than the normal distance a squirrel would be to a person, and munched on a chunk of watermelon that was larer than it's head....it was very happy, might I say. Very happy indeed. The a bird came along....looked at me expectantly, so I tore off a piece of the tortilla that wrapped up my burrito and tossed it in the bird's direction....happily chirping, the bird scooped it up and ate it....so, feeling generous, I tossed a few more pieces in the bird's direction, and a few more birds came down....they ate while I ate...it was really heartwarming.
I'm happy. Oddly enough, I got a 44 on my math exam and I don't know the cruve yet, but I'm happy. I managed to smile and know that it's not all bad..I think I'll put up some writing...I wrote the most fabulous letter today, I think I might want to share it with people. Who knows. Other than that, I think things are okay...I'm happy all around...people seem to be unhappy, and I don't really understand why or what's going on with them-a lot of people are just pessimistic...I mean, there's nothing wrong with realistic pessimism, but there is something about pessismism for the sake of feeling bad for oneself that bothers me. I'm not saying that the people who feel bad are faking it or something, it's just a note that I felt like making, as there are a lot of people who do that. But who knows. With everyone down in the dumps, I suppose I made my effort to reach out and pull them up-the deal now is that if they want to stay in their hole, then they will. If they want things to be better, then things will get better. Simple as that.
Oh well...need to work more on the Astronomy website...get some pictures take and stuff....don't know when I'm going to find the time for all this, but I will. Who knows.
You know, my birthday is coming up. I wanted it to be a big event....it's the 17th of October. Turns out that my staff will, for the most part, be away on that day, and most of my friends will be out to see Tori.....damn her. I love Tori to death, but why does she have to be in town on the ONE day that I get t be a star? Oh well, looks like my 19th birthday party is going to be me all alone in my room with a noisemaker and a cupcake that I buy from the dining hall. Depressing, is it not? Oh well.
Anyway. There are a million things running through my mind about now-I think that perhaps I'll go do some work before I run out of energy. Physics and Criminal Justice and Calculus, oh my. Keep the faith.
Monday 21 September 1998 - 1:34AM EST
Happy Birthday, Katie.
Well, I worked magic this weekend and found my way home to see Katie at her birthday party...with the help of a good friend, thanks Annie. The party was actually a lot of fun..it was nice and laid back-a good opportunity to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a while, and it was interesting to sit with a group of people and make fun of the Miss America pagent.....
You know, when I ride the metro, I have the oddest thoughts...you know, what might happen if there were an emergency...having to use the emergency exits and walk along the tracks...how nasty a death it would be to be clinging to a metro train when it entered a tunnel...or when the tunnel suddenly got smaller....or to touch the high-voltage rail....a million nasty deaths via the Metro.....funny how when I'm alone sometimes I think the wierdest things.....I thought about what might happen if someone held me up on the metro...how could I get away from them? There's only so much running space in a metrocar.....::sigh:: I wasn't really afraid of any of these things, so much as I was curious what it was like...goodness...I really am goth.
Anyway-happy birthday darling...and don't worry, we'll see Rent-it is your birthday present..I have the tickets on my bulletin board at home....now what am I going to do on my birthday now that everyone's going to be away seeing Tori but me....
It's late, and I have to be up at 8AM this moring...you know, things are falling into place a bit. I'm caught up in my classes, all I have to do now are readings, and I'm working on the Astro website and my volunteer work for weekends at maryland...all my RA stuff is worked out....I'm on duty Tuesday night....you know, maybe things will look up for me....oh well. Off to bed for Alan.
Saturday 19 September 1998 - 3:35PM EST
Happy Birthday, Dad.
Goodness. I have to say things are getting better, indeed-I'm not behind in Math anymore, I have more energy to focus on my other classes and actually do the reading for them, the kids are in line, Katie still loves me, things are sorta falling into place.
I'm sitting here hoping that someone will call me so I can find a way to Katie's birthday party tonight-I really want to go-I don't want her or anyone else thinking that I didn't feel like making it or that I didn't care enough to come home for her....I love her dearly, and her section of the website is under construction...in my head anyway-as it is with most webdesign, I see it in my head before I write the code for it....I think I'll call it "Toxygene," for the people that understand that reference. Maybe-maybe not.
So the kids are in line. They're learning to fear me...and love me at the same time...hmm...kinda like God. I like that.
Anyway-I'm such a jerk sometimes, and I know it....although I might not know I'm being a jerk at the time that I am...I had a really...er...odd dream last night....I won't describe it here, but it involved a really old friend and something that I shouldn't do with that person anyway.....that's right, I like to keep my audience guessing. Anyway, I think I should do some work before I return to the solace of my bed for the night...which probably won't be sometime around 1AM if I can get to this party.....anyway-about me being a jerk-it had nothing to do with the dream, but more with trust. Trust is one of the founding principles of my code of ethics....I'm a naturally trusting person, as most of my friends know, so what is it that makes me doubt my trust in people? Why do I get these silly jealous/distrustful feelings sometimes? Something like conspiracy theory...I start thinking that people really do have plans against me, and they're smiling in my face the whole while...I mean, if people do, they're not exactly going to tell me, but then again-what enemies do I have? What have I done wrong to warrant someone trying to hurt me? Or perhaps it's not trying to hurt me, but trying to better or further themselves....well, like Garbage.....I think I'm paranoid.
Who knows. Who knows anything? I think I'll post some ramblings of mine...there. All done. Well. This site is indeed growing...new poetry and everything. Who knows, maybe I'll actually get done with all the pet projects I have for this thing. Okay, I'm off to do other things now...I have a lot of schoolwork to do. Love. Later.
Sunday 13 September 1998 - 9:00PM EST
You know, I didn't ask for this when I asked for this job. I didn't ask to have to put up with the immaturity and stupidity of some of the people in this building. Honestly-I don't feel like it. But you know, I tired to be the lenient RA, tried to be the nice guy, the cool guy that wouldn't be too hard on them. Not now. It's over. I'm a trusting person, you know? But all that trust is gone now. I'm through being the nice guy. They want hardcore, they got it now. Now they're going to pay.
Saw Massive Attack on Thursday night....oh my GOD it kicked so much fucking ass. It made me happy. Massive Attack rocks my casbah. And it did, too. They rocked out....it felt good going to a concert where I really did know the words to more of the songs than the majority of the people there-it made me feel good. Oh well. I saw a girl from my building there-she lives on the third floor...I asked her about it a couple of hours ago and she was really happy to hear that I was interested in Massive Attack, also...we're going to talk about it. A lot of things went really well that night. A lot of things went as well as could be expected. Other things didn't go as well as I would have liked them to at all, but then again, I suppose I can't be too selfish and expect too much. Nonetheless, I've been feeling really introverted lately. That's n ogood with the things that I have to do, but I don't really care. That was such an awesome concert..I got a Crystal Method poster out of it, too, that made me happy. Other than the crap that happened here at Caroline, I had a really good weekend. It was wonderful....I really mean that-for all those involved, I want you to know that it was great weekend. I was happy to get away from all this for a while, and it made me happy to get out actually feel at peace for a while. You know, things are starting to look up for me. Maybe things will get better yet.
Hell. I'm a survivor, anyway. I've been through worse than this. It's not over yet. One more play.......
Wednesday 9 September 1998 - 2:06AM EST
The dreambook is working again, for those who even noticed that it wasn't working. Oh well. Wondering why I'm writing this entry so late? Well, I just finished working on some homework, and talking to some friends that live very far away, so that leaves me here, right before bed, doing absolutely nothing. It got really chilly really fast, did it not? I'm not questioning it, I'm happier with cold weather that I can bundle up for rather than warm weather where I sweat no matter what. Oh well. I have to be up at 11 or so this morning.
I miss my Katie. Something's up with her, something's bothering her, so if you know her and care about her, support her right now, at leastin my absence, as I can't be there to hold her like I wish I could. Sometimes it bothers me that I can't be near her as often as I'd like to or she'd like to...or sometimes when we need to...but then again, the value of a soft "I love you" and a good night's sleep has certainly become evident to me...and to her. A lot of problems seem a lot better in the morning, after you've slept on it. Don't ask me why, they just do.
Anyway, Tim and I hung out a lot today...it was fun-don't get much company too often down here, I suppose the distance is intimidating to a lot of folks, but the guys upstairs say they'll invite me to their next Karaoke night when they have it. I suppose the iguana getting loose and us all having to chip in and help catch it was a bonding experience for us-as my RD would say, "It's all about community, baby." James is a great guy, if I haven't mentioned that. Oh well.
Projects for this site-I'm going to change the format of the Katie Shrine-make it into more of a Katie site-whatever she'd like on it, it'll get there, one way or the other. And I'm working on an image gallery. Don't know where I'll put it or even if I'll make it completely new block, but I'll play with it, see what I feel like doing.
Oh, by the way-everyone's lives seem to be taking these really awkward turns....especially in the downward direction...I want to help people! I want to show people that not everything is all horrible...Ben, Jen, Adam, all of you, call me, we'll hang out, I miss you guys anyway, and I want to hear about what's going on with you guys....Ben, I haven't talked to you in ages, what the hell is going on? Jen, I think it'd be the most facinating thing to just sit with you for a while and talk to you about things...astronomy, ideas, anything...Adam, you seem so much better now-but I still haven't spent any time with you, how are you? Beth...I've talked to you, you had better come visit sometime. And to anyone I've missed-it's not like it's hard to get my number...you can't get it from the North Hill desk, but you can get transferred to my line-so use that resource and get in touch with me, okay?
Okay. I suppose that's enough gushing for one day-I think it's time for Alan to go to bed....I feel as though I'm leaving something unsaid...like there's some profund thing flying against the walls of my mind that wants to get out, but it just can't find the exit, you know? Like a fly in a room that just won't leave because it won't fly out the window? Yeah...hey...maybe that was it. Who knows. I'm tired. Goodnyte, all. I love you.
Thursday 3 September 1998 - 8:59PM EST
I remember about this time last year, I was running on adrenaline, a feeling that most freshmen might be familiar with as they embark into this adventure that they call "college," but I realize now that it's a little different after you've been here and returned. I wok up this morning, after a good 7 hours of sleep, I think...maybe less...I think maybe it was 5 and a half...but anyway, I woke up, and I rolled over, and I had those pangs of not wanting to go to class. But then I figured that I'd surely be damned to hell if I skipped classes on the 4th day of class, and even then the 4th day of class of my sophomore year being the first time I've skipped a class to date-I rolled out of bed and went to the shower. Last semester, I wouldn't have thought about skipping a class, but then again, today was a hellish day anyway classwise, and I suppose I was at least entitled to the thought.
Not like it cost me enough, but books this semester will have another big one to chalk up on the list...the course packet for HONR 258V is going to run along the lines of 50 dollars, since it's so massive....I mean, the damn thing is huge. But that's what I get for taking a history class. Anyway. The kids are behaving...a few noise problems here and there, but all in all, they're making my job pretty easy. Let's pray they keep doing it. Semper Fi, baby.
I need a massage.
Monday 31 August 1998 - 2:38PM EST
I began the first day of classes of my Sophomore year in true Freshman style. I was 15 minutes late to my first class, because I was silly enough to leave my copy of my schedule on my wall and left without another copy...I was biking past the Union when I noticed that I didn't know what room my class was in, and went to the MARS station to print out a copy of my schedule...and it wasn't working. I had to guess. I guessed about right, but it took me a minute or two. Well, anyway, after that was all over, I managed to do well enough for myself in my Calculus class, and after that-I came home. Anyway, all the kids are moved in and making lots of noise. I suppose it makes me happy and bothers me at the same time, you know? At least the building has that real college feel to it, but then again, the noise can get to be a little much sometimes. Anyway. I'm not realy tired. Maybe I'll go down to North Campus and eat dinner with friends tonight. Unless I feel like eating alone. Or sleeping. Oh well. I want friends to come visit me. It gets lonely down here on South Campus...I mean, it's not too far to North Campus, anyway, and I know just the route I'd take to bike there, but hey....don't want to go over there if I don't know where I'm going or who I'm seeing. Anyway. been an interesting past few days...everyone in the building is acting like civilized adults, with their tastes and all...I mean, the guy on this floor with the REALLY REALLY loud system has great music taste, so I can shut off my stuff and listen to his at night, you know what I mean?
Anyway, I think this should be a pretty good year. Gonna see if Massive Attack is sold out at the 930 club...if not, maybe I can get a tick or 2. Life is good. Life is happy. I like life. I'll like it even more when the weather gets colder. Oh well, can't have everything.
Wednesday 26 August 1998 - 1:20PM EST
So. Today the floodgates opened to the masses. The new honors and scholars students are allowed to check in today-not like I have any in Caroline. I mean, one guy is moving in upstairs as I speak, and the only reason he's here is because his family had to evacuate their home in Virginia Beach because of Hurricane Bonnie. Nice guy. Nice family. Think we'll get along well. Anyway, I'm waiting for tomorrow, once my peeps get settled in, then I'm going to see how many other friends I can find...you know, after the floor meetings and everything..but it kinda sucks that I'm on duty tomorrow, so I can't go dancing or anything with the new people...but hell, what can you do, huh? Oh well. Apparently my dreambook is under repair-people's entries are starting to come back...hopefully they'll finish fixing it. Oh well. More to come later. As in, not now.
Saturday 22 August 1998 - 8:08PM EST
There's a party at home and I'm not there. Instead, I'm sitting in my room with a set of keys to every residence hall on North Hill and a duty log...yes folks, my first real duty shift. Feeling really lonely. I'm not that special to the other RAs, so none of them think to come visit me, although in training we're all really kind and close to each other. It's disconcerting. I've been catching up on my sleep lately, mainly because I haven't had anything else to do...nowhere to be, noone to talk to, nothing to say. Sitting in my room, doing absolutely nothing. Me and my stereo and a heaping helping of the internet. This is depressing. Think I'm going back to bed.
oh, and another thing. I'm getting a lot of new visitors to this site lately, so for their sake, so they don't think I'm some kind of odd sadistic satanworshipping oddity(I am an oddity, though, I suppose) the headers to my pages and such are mostly lyrics from songs, if you ever wondered where they came from, okay? Good. Now that that's settled, sleeptime now.
Monday 17 August 1998 - 5:37PM EST
And then school happened. And this update is long overdue. I can't say so much has happened in the past few days as I can say that so much has happened in the past few months since I've updated...most of you are in touch with my life enough to know how I feel and what's happened to me lately, but let me tell you that all in all, this summer has been perhaps to date the most wonderful time of my life, and I'm sorry to have to see it end, even at this point. I'm sitting in my little room in 1121 Caroline Hall, and I'm all alone, save the other RA on the third floor. Funny, I'm going to be an RA. Training is hell. Getting up so early to go to sessions and sit and listen to so much...goodness...but then again, I have to admit, I get a lot of information..and free stuff, to boot!
This summer....goodness....I suppose I have to restart or redesign the Katie Shrine....provided that my darling Katie wants to put something on it...I think I'll update the counter or something. Anyway, Training...I'm breaking right now, chilling out for a few hours, until my staff meeting later. Even though so much important stuff has happened to me, I'm not redesigning Millenium's Child, I'm not doing too much to it, save what I'm inspired to do. Anyway, this is so wonderful..I was feeling a little anxiety last night, being all lonely and everything, but I'm a bit better now...appreciating the privacy and silence. Oh well.
I have no voice mail. it's turned off for this part of campus, so if I'm not here to get my call, I'm fukt. No matter. I'm happy. Well. I'm here. Visit me. Call me. I'm all unpacked and settled, and I'm happy....Katie, you've got to see this place. Anyway, until later.