Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah-from the Lord out of the heavens.
Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities-and also the vegetation in the land.
But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.
Friday 30 July 1999 -- 6:04PM EST
Anyway. Yeah, it's been a while, but that's okay, because I'm sure I've kept you up to date in my emails. Anyway-my time is almost up, and while it'd be nice to end this summer with something wonderful, something tells me that I won't have the opportunity. It's been a charming summer to date anyway, so I can't complain too much, it's been really nice...I've made a lot of money to save, I've made some new friends and gained some newfound freedom, whether I liked it or not, and like most experiences, I've grown. At least I feel like I have, whether it's that obvious on the surface is a different matter entirely. Nonetheless, I've felt a little jaded lately, and I can't shake that feeling-no matter how hard I try. I feel old. I feel alone. I feel like I have dozens of people who love me, but noone brave enough to show it. I feel like I have a hundred mouths around me and no warm hands to hold.
I have a tendancy to distrust words. You can tell me how wonderful I am and how important I am to you as much as you like, but if you don't back it up with some actions or expressions, then I'm not very likely to believe you. Unfortunately, the pendulum doesn't swing both ways-compliments tend to fall under this rule, but insults do not. I tend to believe the insults without a second thought-I tend to look deeply enough into minor rejections and brushoffs to think that I'm a horrible person and unworthy of the affection of whoever it is that I'm with at the moment. It's a pain. And yes, it's a self-esteem issue. How to solve it is, of course, another matter entirely.
Nonetheless, I'll be back at school soon, with my little dorm room and my little campus. Alas. Lately I've been feeling very romantic-and I suppose people like me feel the most romantic when they have noone to share it with-they have the most endearing thoughts and feelings when they have no way to express them, they lust the strongest when they have noone to share their passion with. People like me. I suppose destiny gave me the short end as soon as I came out of the womb. Or maybe I'm just making it out to be worse than it really is. Too bad my feelings don't back up that statement. Anyway. I just have the lingering feeling that the curtain is closing, and I'm confused as to why the play ended the way it did...kind of like a Kubrick film.
A mixture of emotions run through me-hatred, passion, jealousy, happiness, lust, anger, helplessness, power, and they're all unpredictable. There's been no peace for me lately-I suppose taking up meditation would be a good idea. Maybe then I can get through one day without feeling somewhat abandoned. But then I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't come down off of a high of momentary happiness. One can't know hatred unless they know love...and vice versa, I suppose.
Anyway-I suppose I'll have plenty of time to think about all of this.
after the curtain goes down.
Wednesday 7 July 1999 -- 1:02AM EST
Something tells me that I shouldn't update right now, being how upset I am...but I'm doing it anyway. You know, I really hate people sometimes...I mean, it's amazing what the human capacity for conceit is...and exactly how condesending a person can be. I wonder where in our DNA comes the capacity to be so purely and totally uncaring comes from. I learned a harsh lesson. There are lots of people out there who don't give a damn about you, and maybe they're the nice ones, but there are other people out there who hate you from afar, and maybe they're nice, too. But then there are the people who get all up in your life, treat you like shit, take what they want from you, and then leave you with nothing but the imprint on your psyche that they were ever there...doesn't matter what they take from you: time, strength, love, effort, friendship, companionship, wisdom, whatever...and then they treat you like shit...they're the ones you worry about-and the trick is, when someone cares so little about you and your feelings, then it's only fair not to give a damn about them either. With friends like them, who needs enemies?
I suppose I'm tired of phony people. I mean, I try to be true to myself in as many ways as possible, but sometimes you come across the people who do the whole "let me twist the knife in your chest for you while I apologize for how much it hurts" bit, and that pisses me off..my problem is that I know too many of them, and they're too close to me.
I'm working a lot. Nothing like a job to take your mind off of issues, trust me. My paychecks have to rock-I mean, they're gonna be awesome...but what do I do with the money...hmmmm...work is nice, though..my managers are really sweet women(hotties, too) who really like my work and like me, and everyone seems so nice..it's a laid back kind of job, and besides, shelving and organizing books, helping customers, and selling the preferred reader program can only be so stressful. So I like work, and I'm meeting some nice people.
Mom's going away. She's not feeling too well, she really should go back to the doctor before she goes, but we're taking her to the airport in a matter of hours, and she's going to be visiting family in Nova Scotia for a while..a couple of weeks. It'll be lonely in the house without her in it all the time, but I think I'll manage.
Something tells me I'll manage in a lot of ways..even if I have to use my pain as a fuel to drive me onward. Whatever it takes, by any means necessary. We shall overcome, baby.
Wednesday 23 June 1999 -- 2:11AM EST
They say you never know how valuable something is to you....until it's gone, but for some people, I don't think they either let themselves miss that precious thing when they lose it, or they just don't care...or at least that's the impression I get. But then again, I suppose we all deal with missing things in our own way...oddly enough, I see similarities in two of the most dear people to my heart in the way they deal with loss...and it sickens me both ways, but as long as they're both happy in their respective ways then I can't knock them, only seek out that companionship for myself that I yearn for so badly.
You know, I hate playing second string to anyone..when it comes to friendships, relationships, you name it..I hate not being called, I hate people having others they'd rather spend their time with...I suppose the green eyed monster in me rears it's ugly head for a change. But it's the truth-I hate it with a passion-I want to be number one in someone's life-and if I'm not, it's depressing for me. Don't know why-maybe it's a personal weakness. I suppose it all goes back to wanting to be special...in general, or at least in some little way to one particular person...but then, I don't have the luck in finding people who will take me as that number one special person as other people I know..not limited to one particular, either..oh well..que sera, sera.
hell....maybe someone will kiss me..that'd be nice.
I suppose I don't ask for much these days.
Sunday 20 June 1999 -- 6:42PM EST
born to live, born to die
born to laugh, born to cry
born to speak, born to lie
born to fail, born to try.
I don't remember where I saw that, or even if I got it right. But it's not like it matters. I'm screaming-from the top of my lungs, and this is the only way I can express it. Everyone else watches from a safe distance, even those involved-wrapped in whatever makes them happy or makes them forget, or makes them comfortable-at the risk or sacrifice of whatever else they think they hold dear.
Actions, my friends. Actions speak so much louder than words.
But I find myself believing the words-because they're easier to believe, more pleasent to my wounded psyche, more simple to comprehend, the sweet to hide the bitter taste. And again my thoughts run wild with me, stirring nothing more than those base feelings of anger and hatred, spite and jealousy. Last night, I thought about what I was feeling-why I was feeling what I was feeling...at about 3AM with something that wasn't yummy at all to drink in my hand-but the point of it wasn't to be yummy, but to make me forget-to keep me from getting too far into my head-and I thought, and I realized that all of these emotions rise from love. And I don't know whether or not that upset me more, so made me feel better. Either way, it didn't help me sleep, and it sucked being alone with nothing but a blank book, a pen, a drink, and my thoughts...but I think I did rather well for myself.
Keep it inside, phoenix. Keep it inside...push it deeper..don't let it show-any of it. Because maybe, just maybe, if you push it down far enough, you'll forget where it went, and you won't have to feel anything anymore...until you want to.