but I'm going soon
kiss me one last time
before I take my flesh away....
Friday 29 December 2000 // 02:45 EST
A plea for nothingness... posted this on Osirus, but I think it's good enough to go here as well..
this is insanity.
You know, I think I'm going to change a little something here. Music is something of a universal language, right? Well, I think the best way to let others know how I'm feeling is to let them hear what I hear in my head, to let them listen to what's sending chills down my spine and what's making me spread my wings...the songs that make a difference to me. I'll be doing the same thing on my thoughts page over at Nova Netwerks, too.
So now. Try this on for size ::
Tekara -- Breathe In You(Lost Tribe Remix)
Thanks to Tim for introducing it to me, but I've taken it QUICKLY to heart....it's really hard to find Tekara vinyl, but this is one I think I need....then I need to buy decks to spin it on. But anyway, that's aside from the point. It's perhaps the one song lately that's made me feel something of whole, something that most people in my life can't accomplish about now.
You know, for an instant, I'll reach out, and I'll take your hand, and it'll be warm in mine, and then I'll start to crack a smile, start to cherish the moment just when I remember how important it is to cherish every moment, and just as that happens, in that instant of instants, that flash of time that's immeasurable, you'll be gone..and I'll know you've slipped away and I'll know you won't come back. I'll know you'll be there-you'll care, and you'll smile for me and dance with me, but you'll never be the same again, and I'll curse you for that instant-that moment of perfection, that fiber of purity in the entire damned soiled inept universe...swirling in infinity that I just can't seem to escape from no matter how hard I try...
No-I can't get away. I can't get away from you, and you can't get away from me, all the efforts all the tries, all the sabbaticals, all the trips and the smiles and the lies, they're all a farce that I put on every day like I do my clothes or that pair of silk boxers that I slide on those days when I really want to feel attractive knowing full well that noone's going to see them but me but then wondering if I'd want anyone to, really. I was listening to LoveLine and having a good laugh at the 13 year olds who are having problems with their sex lives, and they mentioned that someone who dramatically loses their sex drive at an age like 21 is usually going through some kind of chemical change, some imbalance, something of the sort. They've started a new medication, something has happened to them...something..and then I wonder why the hell I've been so wierd lately..interested in sex? Sure! Hell, who isn't..but when it comes to the possibility of having sex with ANYONE I know, I'm completely turned off. Strange, eh? I chalk it up to being completely and utterly jaded, more than I ever have been in my entire life, and the more and more I sweep away the dust from the glass, I find that I think in my own little way I'm more jaded than anyone else I know....just in a more shielded and hidden way...my eyes glow in the dark kind of jaded...
But I reach out in your moments of weakness, I shield you with my wings and I take the blows for you not because I'm that strong but because I want you to believe that I am, because I need you to think that way about me even if I know you'll never look up at me that way....and I hate you for it at the same time as I'm straining under the force in front of you-at the same time as I plunge in to help you weather the storms you created for yourself, the unquenchable fires that you lit, I hate you for it but I do it anyway, because THAT, my dear, THAT is my weakness...
in your moment of madness
under your angry skies
you are not what you feel
this is insanity
from the shadows that darken the depths
of your angel eyes
now I know nothing is real
this is insanity
and I'll keep opening up that part of myself, covered in scars and bleeding underneath but always walled with a silken glaze, that beautiful place that I'll invite you into for the sole purpose of cutting up, that part of me, right in the center of my being that aches every time you speak to me the way you speak to me, the part that bleeds a little more when you cry friendship and value me enough to hurt me the way you do, when you love me so much that it kills off a part of me inside...and I'll keep inviting you in, keep on, keep on, until what-I don't know, because I don't see any end, I don't see the cycle breaking, I don't see the wheel stopping, the boulder not crushing....no more than you could forsee a fire not burning or water not running...
because that's me, take me or leave me.
Yes, I'm too much for you to handle. I'm too much for you to deal with, admit it. You can't read this. Right now, you're going "whoa, he's fucked up.." right now you're saying "oh no...he's upset again" right now you're saying "oh my god.." for any number of reasons...why? That's right, admit it to yourself, I'm too much for you. I'm too powerful-I feel too hard, fall too deeply, you can't handle the intensity. Neither can I...some times I feel it inside me and I feel like I'm going to swell up and explode, some times I need to remember I won't because I start to want to...but would you know what that's like? Could you?
Even if you could, it doesn't matter-you'll come to me with your stories of how you know exactly, you'll manufacture it if you don't have it, you'll shine your auras on mine and I'll stand here, black and dark and with my wings wrapped around me, my feathers shedding in the wind and I"ll accept it with a smile and a laugh like I always do and I'll pretend like I give a damn...like I always do...and perhaps, for an instant, I'll start caring like I used to....but don't hold your breath.
and now I know.
nothing is real.
Monday 25 December 2000 // 20:27 EST
Sitting here at the rent's new computer at home, editing this through a terminal window while Underworld's Rez plays on Spinner's trance channel..sitting thinking about Christmas..I suppose one could say I made out pretty well, you know? I got what I needed, a lot of what I wanted, and everything I got I liked..but that wasn't the important part, oh no, it wasn't....more importantly, my mom and dad were so happy with the gifts I got for them...that's what I really wanted. This Christmas, I wanted everyone to be happy with the things I got them for the holidays...now if only eMily would get her stuff then I'd be happy...
The holidays are a time of year where you should be letting the people in your life who are close to you know exactly how much you care for them...and, well..in some cases, it's obvious who doesn't care about you and who does. I can tell, it's so easy. I could beg you guys to call me, I could beg you to come cuddle with me, I could beg you to pay attention to me, and if I'm met with silence or disaproval for wanting that attention, then there's something to be learned...it's easy to tell the feelings of someone who you have to call all the time, you have to look up, you have to email, you have to get in touch with, and only contacts you when they need something, or doesn't contact you at all...perhaps they're just busy. perhaps it's been so long that it would be abnormal to come out of nowhere...or perhaps they don't care as much as they would have you believe. I think that's the case for a lot of people that I know. I go out of my way for some of you, and I get nothing. Others of you go out of your way for me, and you get nothing...and I don't really think I have anyone in my life right now where the give isn't a little more than the take, or the take a little more than the give...but then again, I suppose it's when I find those people is when I know I've found true friends...or at least someone with the desire to make that comprimise(here I am already...lowering my standards when I know I deserve no less)..and when I find someone who loves me that way, and I love them that way, then I suppose that's someone truly special. I don't think I have anyone right now who feels that way about me...or is even willing to let such feelings surface. But alas, I digress.
I have my health, I have my family, I have my happiness, and those things are more important than any superficial friendship or psuedo-emotion I could possibly expect from any of my friends...thank you, however, to the one person who bothered to call and wish me a merry christmas...it made me happier.
So I was sitting in line at Bath and Body Works(yes, if you read my emails, this was the same time I came to the conclsion that I was a hottie-mainly because a sales clerk asked another clerk for permission to have me for christmas when they thought I was out of earshot) and behind me were a couple of people, one of which had a son....he started crying because his mother wouldn't let him run around the store, and she told him
"you'd best keep quiet and stop your crying or else everyone in this store's gonna see you get a spanking!"
Now as damaging as that must be to the boy, and as much as I generally don't approve of hitting your children, I was somewhat comforted knowing that some people were still being raised in the grand old tradition of spankings and butt whoopins. It kind of made me not weep as much for the future...I weep for the future all the time...when I see the idiots on campus who, after living in the same building for a year, still key the elevator and miss the one on the left or right sides waiting for the one in the center to appear(when it won't)...when I see people who have lived in Elkton all year try and push the inner lobby door when they come in from the outside when they know full well that the doors are PULL....the best that our state high schools have to offer..some of them travelling from around the country and aroudn the world to study here...the brightest of American society...the ones who make it to college...yup. I'm not entirely how sure I am how the threat of a spanking makes me happier and stupid human tricks made me sadder, but then again, I suppose I'm looking at it egocentrically-maybe that kid'll turn out like me..instead of like all the other clones.
Anyway-I hate to admit it to anyone, but I need love. I want someone to hold me like they really care about me, not like they'll get up in a second because their taste in loving arms has changed, like I'm important to them period, not important to them for the next five minutes...and it doesn't even have to be a romantic attachment...just someone who's willing to love me and be loved and be quiet and gentle and someone I want to be with...I suppose the latter is the hard part, but then again, life is what you make it, so I should steam ahead full, shouldn't I?
My horoscope said that on Christmas Eve, I'd end the day with a sweetheart, even if I didn't start the day with one...it lied, unless there's someone out there that I don't know about who has feelings for me...what with being home and my mother constantly teasing me and prodding me to date a specific kind of woman and marry a specific kind of woman reardless of who I might fall in love with(it can't be love to her unless it's an acceptable woman to her) and on top of that the people in my life I'd love to love most falling away from me or not paying attention to me or having "better" things(people) to do...it's disenheartening for a boy like me who only wants someone to hold on to and lay in the grass with and share stories and watch the clouds pass by and go dancing with and share dreams and thoughts with...trade a mix tape every so often and kiss every once in a while...that's all I really want...I'm tired of the drama, I'm tired of all the emotional turmoil and all the psychological problems of everyone in my life, I'm tired of all of it in some way or another...and I'd love a sabbatical.
Speaking of sabbaticals-I'm thinking about going to I Have A Dream 3 in New York on January 14th...a celebration of Martin Luther King's birthday...and what better way to do it than with a big phat-ass rave? Yummy. If you want in, drop me an email and then check out the website here and tell me what you think...isn't it the coolest flyer?? With any luck, I'll be running around the streets of New York that weekend, since I've never really been there, and I'd love to go and see the sights. Come with me, we'd make a great team.
Sunday 24 December 2000 // 17:08 EST
So where are we now? The year is ending, the trees are bare and the air bites at us, the wind cutting through our clothes and chilling our bones..the snow falling and resting carefully on the grass and the trees and the plants, sheltering them from the light only to melt away and enrich the soil..the real millennium is upon us, whatever that means, and here we sit, most likely similar places to where we were a year ago, or two, or three. It's Christmas Eve, whatever that means, and here we sit. I can't complain too much, save about my lonliness, none of my friends seem to want to call or drop me a line unless they need anything, and what with all of them at home now, I suppose they have parents to complain to...I really wish you guys would call me. I have a celphone for a reason, you know.
Enough of my complaining. Being at home isn't bad at all, I just wish I could sleep like I would if I were at school-I barely manage to get 7 or 8 hours a sleep before my eyes shoot open and I can't sleep anymore..even if that means I wake up at 6AM. It could be a good thing, though, since NSA has seen fit to put me through hell again(or at least another circle of it) and bring me up for an "interview." Things will go well, I hope. Then it's off to work at College Park sitting in computer labs trying to model my techsupport career off of "The Bastard Operator From Hell(if you haven't read it, you should)" but at the same time trying not to do any DAMAGE to any people or property.
Ah, the new year. It's supposed to be full of new hope, new dreams, and new wishes...but it seems that for me, it's nothing special..nothing's really happened to make me look forward to it, but then again, perhaps I'm tired and lonely, and these are the ramblings of someone who wishes he had a decent peer group. Alas. I trod on, keeping with me whatever precious shards I have. Drop me a line. I think I'd like to know that someone cares...I mean, I don't need it, but it'd be nice of you.
Wednesday 20 December 2000 // 09:04 EST
Ideas are fleeting, the faint and wispy reminders of the genius that's hiding in all of us...I walk from place to place and think of great things, like ways to keep people warm from the inside, or the perfect way to express to the world just how I see myself inside, I think about how beautiful the sky is in the morning while I'm biking to an 8AM final exam that I don't want to take...and I'm frozen in time looking at the rising sun over the buildings, the steam rising from their rooftops shadowy and billowing in the distance and the air cold on my cheeks as the air whips around me and I hope I get where I'm going before all the heat is sucked out of my body...or how gorgeous the snow is when it's falling and the sky is so dark at night..or how much fun it can be when you're all freaked out from watching a wierd movie and your friends deliberately try and freak you out more...
Life truly is something interesting..something special.
So it's really early, and I'm probably headed back to bed soon, but I wanted to share that with you, as I was awake and waiting for someone who will probably come as soon as I fall asleep, and helping someone else study for an exam...thank goodness I'm done. Now I just don't want to see the results.
Wednesday 13 December 2000 // 18:27 EST
So here I sit. Bored as all get out. Hungry as all get out. I should have eaten something, but I don't want to spoil my appetite for the pizza party tonight at like, 830...but I know I'm too hungry to last until then. The semester is over, classes are done, and all that's left are final exams...and out of four classes, I have three finals and only one in-class. Two take homes that I probably should be working on right now, but instead I'm sitting here doing a lot of nothing, like I always do in the computer labs. Oh well.
I even brought the books and notes I needed to do the work too...maybe later, when I get home andtake something for this headache I have. I walked in to work today to be greeted by an especially messy workstation and two or three people wanting to ask questions about how to save files and how to open them and other nuances that I always thought that everyone should know, but apparently they don't, or else they wouldn't pay me to answer those questions. Nevertheless, I don't mind. Eventually my shift will be over(in about half-hour), and I'll go home, gnaw on something, and chill out until the party...remind me to take an iced tea down with me, eh?
I'm a lot for most people to deal with, you know. People try and convince themselves otherwise, or they admit to being overwhelmed, but ultimately everyone comes to the conclusion that I'm an intense, moody person, but noone will ever call me moody...probably because I'll beat them for using the word..I'm the only one who's allowed to say I'm moody. Hmm...all it takes is one silly phone call to make my headache go away, that's nice...anyway. I'm sitting here envisioning myself on city streets with my jacket waving behind me in the wind...the city lights are so bright and I don't have anywhere specifically to go....and oh how I wish I could make that vision come true...maybe this weekend, if I have time. Like I usually say, I feel like the people with the most potential to actualize their potential, to realize their dreams, they're the ones who are inhibited by self-esteem issues or not believing in themselves, the ones who are stopped by abusive or energy draining friends and surroundings...sometimes I feel like that's me in there, in my head, the person that I feel like I'd be happy if I were, but then again, I think that I have those moments where I feel like I am that person, suave and sleek, walking along and everyone looks for an instant and basks in the energy constantly flowing from me...
And then I come back to reality and realize how hungry I am...happy that the little G3 sitting next to me is happily playing that burned Lamb CD that I love so much...I take a swig of the water that I'm not allowed to have at work and glance at the clock...7 minutes left. I think about what I'm going to do when I leave here, whether it's still cold outside and about how I don't have anything to put on my hands and how my batteries might be dead in my walkman...and about how I have to go to the bathroom...
And how I don't anymore. I should probably roll up out of here now, since my shift is all but two minutes from over...so now I put on my earphones and zip up my jacket and stride out into the cold, immersing myself in a world that doesn't exist here and maybe it does in another life, in another world,far far from here...and I silently walk back into the rest of my life.
Sunday 10 December 2000 // 05:04 EST
Go on, shine eyes, walk proudly and shield yourself behind mirrored plastic. Walk on, shine eyes, your black pants and your black coat hiding you from the world, but not completely, since your sweater is red... Walk on, shine eyes, draw attention from everyone you pass, they love you, they hate you, they know you, they've never met you...and all of them remember you. Go on, shine eyes, and prove the world wrong. Go on, shine eyes, and do what you need to do, what you want to do.
Where am I? What am I thinking? Trying to put my heart in a case of glass never really works out to your advantage, let me tell you. It's not an impossible task, it's not that difficult, but it's specifically bad on those nights when you wake up in the middle of the night and you wonder about those people you care for so much, you wonder what they're doing and if they're okay, you wonder if they're thinking of you at all and you start to dislike them for probably not thinking of you either.....wishing they would, hating them silently even though you know you love them. You start thinking back to the escapades of your past and the things you said and the lies they told, and you shudder because of the idiotic things you said and the way you believed everything they said....but then you remember to reseal the lid to your glass case and you think you'll be allright....
Just...don't...care...if I can not care, then I'll be okay...
So finals are coming, and I need to do what I have to do to stay away
from as much drama as possible..trapped between lies and more lies, that's
how my life tends to be, wanting the impossible, hoping for the
intangible. I hear the lies on one end and wonder if they're truth, hear
them on another and wonder if they're truth, and then altogether wonder
what makes me so prone to these situations, what makes it so that I'm the
one with the living right to walk through this fire..or perhaps it's not
as bad as I might like to think. Probably not, but sometimes it seems that
way. The lies, the jokes, the playing, why isn't anyone real anymore? Stop
joking to hide your feelings, stop playing to say what you think, stop
hiding everything from everyone, stop all of it. Nights like tonight I
wish I could step out of my flesh and get away from here, get away from
these thoughts, these feelings...it's 5 in the morning and I can't sleep,
and I don't know why....
I need to get my shit together...need to turn things around a bit. Need to change things some....need to reaffirm my commitment to myself. Things need to go my way and I need to make them, I need to get away from this torment..I will straighten things out-I will make something for me to be proud of, this I swear.
Thursday 24 November 2000 // 01:21 EST
I look at TV or something and I see two people fall in love in the most heartwarming ways...I let myself drown in the fantasy that love is so easily obtained and I fantasize about those times when I've kissed someone, someone special to me, and it was a blissful kiss, and it was a happy kiss, and when we parted lips our eyes stayed closed for a split second longer to let he moment linger in the air and I see that on TV and I want it again, I want that purity of love, I want that innocent feeling, that desire to be WITH someone, not just to bed them...I've shunned lust for the here and now, it'll come when it needs to, and I tell myself I don't want a relationship with anyone and I know that's not true I know it's not...I want that feeling, I want to let myself fill up with happiness, I want to let myself be so happy, be so thrilled to be in someone's arms...but it seems like every time I do they lie or I'm burned. But alas, that's never an excuse to stop.
But then I hate myself. I hate myself for being so in love with who I'm in love with, I hate myself for it and I hate her for either not knowing or not caring at all...fucking sirens, I seem to meet them all in my travels.
I used to revere you
I'm trying hard to ignore you
but now I resent you
I wish that I could forget you
You've nothing to offer
you see there's no second chance here
there's no looking back now
and there's nothing but black now
this shouldn't be so hard for you to understand
I shouldn't have to wait for you to come around
there's no way out.
It's more harsh than I really feel, but I really do hate myself for
being the person I am sometimes, for feeling the way I do...I think I've
come to the conclusion that when I'm emotionally distressed, I clean...I
clean my room, I clean things up, I try and put my energy into something
else...and then when I'm REALLY distressed, I destroy it all, only so I
can clean it again later. I'm in the mood to clean..but I won't..maybe
I'll put my energy into my schoolwork. I do hate myself sometimes, for
wearing my heart on my sleeve, for thinking that anyone tells the truth,
and for being far too trusting. I really think I need to get away...take a
real vacation, away from all these people, all this mess, and try to get
rid of some of these feelings. I hate feeling this way, I hate that
feeling I get in my stomach when she says certain things or he smiles in
my face or when he says what he says and she says the other thing...I just
can't get away...can't get away from the heartache, can't recover..the
wounds won't close all he way...I want to get away..
I haven't really felt this way in a while, feeling out of control, feeling like I pour energy into something..or someone..for all but naught. And then I think about it, and I feel a little better, like the pain isn't too bad, and I forgive, and I go back to our regularly scheduled ass kissing, hoping that someday the world will realize how wonderful I am...as soon as it stops smacking me around long enough to respect me. When do I get to be tired of it? when do I get the strength to go for what I want, double or nothing and not care what happens? When do I get to be past this?
And how do I manage to smile and be so happy with all these tears in my eyes, with all this sorrow in my life? How do I manage to be free and in chains at the same time?
Thursday 2 November 2000 // 22:50 EST
You know, part of the problem with surfacing from a bout of depression is that you notice how fucked up the world is around you...how hard you can work without recognition of your strives, how everyone else around you seems like they're insane sometimes, how everything seems all wrong except you...instead of everything being wrong with you. A really good sense of clarity is something that everyone needs, you know? It's something that everyone should get a hold of every once in a while...a good sense that everything is happening and the world is swirling around you and that there's only as much that you can do about it as you WANT to do about it.
I have control-I can do as much as I want, and you have to be careful what you wish for, because you'll wind up making it happen one way or the other. Live the moment, pray and hope for the future, plan for it, and learn from the past, but never try to emulate it. I have this theory about the past...or about time for that matter, or our lives, however you choose to look at it.
Life and all of our experiences are like clay. The future is soft and easily pliable, simple to change into whatever we want it to be, and it holds all the possibilities and all the hopes and dreams that we put into it..limited only by our imaginations and creativities..the present is hardening, more and more every second, parts of it we can't change anymore, other parts of it still pliable a little, but already feeling the effects of what we've predetermined it to be or what other forces have changed it into..we can still play with the present, but it's quickly fading and quickly hardening until we really can't do much with it anymore..and the past? Well, for a brief flicker, we can look at what the present has become and examine it for what it is, but then it shatters and the past becomes dust...gone forever and leaving us only with the memory of what it was..and nothing we do, nothing we can do will bring it back, and we can try to approximate the past with the present, but it will NEVER be exactly the same, it'll never be what it was, and we can never make it so....
So be careful with what you do, be careful what you say, and try to remember to always be kind when it counts the most, even if you're not when you should be...speak your true feelings even if it's too hard to act them, and try not to look too deeply into anyone but yourself, because only there will you find anything really worth finding...any real enlightenment.
And with that, my children, I leave you. Fare well.