Friday 29 January 1999 - 2:06AM EST
they're right.
the wise learn more from fools than fools learn from the wise.

Tuesday 26 January 1999 - 12:37AM EST
It was a good day. I'm happy, this building is basically ready to open, and as soon as I do a few things before I get to bed tonight, then it'll be 95 percent ready...Katie and I are doing really well..I love me some Katie so much..she makes me so happy...yes, in fact I think I will ramble about her for a little while.
You know that feeling when you're with someone and they touch you and it's like it's the first time a person touches you? When they kiss you and it's just as sweet as the first time they kissed you? Yeah-it's like that with Katie and I....I know, I know, maybe I'm being melodramatic and over-romantic, but yes, it's just like that. When we touch, 2 years later, it's not as naive and shy as it was, but it's as energetic and tingles just as much as it used really is something special that we have. Katie is more than I could have ever asked for...more than most people know...she possesses something, inside her mind, that's so different, so inspiring, so..impossible to resist....she's more than most people give her credit for being. She's more than you think she is, and she's more than I can give her justice. She's....more than the sum of her parts.....on the inside and the outside. And I don't know what else I can really say.
Honestly, we have problems sometimes, we argue, we fight-I mean, for all we're famed for being a "living fairy tale" as some have put it, we're about as normal as any....we're unjust to each other, we're rude to each other and to each other's friends and to each other about each other's friends....but we love each other. And that should be that. Don't worry, it wasn't like any of this needed to be said....I just felt a need to say it.

Monday 25 January 1999 - 12:18AM EST
Well now, what have we here? I think I've missed almost a month...let's recap, shall we? Important things. New Years' 1999 rocked hardcore...I was so happy, and so far this year has been looking so good that I don't know what to expect...I just know that something good is gonna happen. Now if only I can get out of all these duty shifts in May, then I'll be happy...oh well, it's not a really big deal...yet. I'm happy. Very happy. I don't know how else to express it. I'm sitting here, after having finished training and all this other silly nonsense with nothing to do but work on this website and do RA stuff...that I probably should get cracking on. Oh well, no biggie. Things are going well, I think, no, I'm pretty sure I know things are going well. Yes indeed. Well.
They say that "evil triumphs when good men do nothing." And believe me, I know that good people are doing nothing for a situation where someone really needs to get smacked back into reality...into sense....I would do it, but then I ask myself, is it my place? And I have to answer no, it isn' I adopt a new philosophy. People do two things...they learn, or they suffer the concequences...sometimes they either learn or die. Others either learn, or ruin their lives...and I suppose I've already done more than my part. Indeed I have. People are stupid. I've done a little observation, and that's my sociological conclusion. People are stupid. They do stupid things, for all the wrong reasons, and then what....hell. Basically.
Anyway. Keep hope alive. This semester might be really good for me..I hope so. Wish me luck. And remind me to do the right thing. The girl in that commercial was right: "Sometimes, it's what you DON'T do that makes you who you are."

Wednesday 30 December 1998 - 5:30PM EST
Oddly enough, here I sit, I'm not too happy, but here I sit anyways. Ignoring duty calls that I probably should go take care of, but I don't think there's much I can really do. Anyways. I want her to call me...but she probably won't. Oh well. I suppose nothing can be gained by complaining about it, or by confronting her with it, or with any problems...communication just seems counterproductive lately. That's right Alan, put it in that little box...the really pretty one...and put it all on that shelf in your mind, that's right, back there, where you won't be tempted to remember it or cry over it....strength is the key-I have to be assertive, right? That's what this neat book I got for Christmas was all about. Anyways.
Break duty is stupid. Although it was nice to have some conversation last night-thank you Tiffy-I appreciate you staying on the phone with me until you were about to pass meant a lot to me...especially since you had to be at work in a matter of hours and had gotten like, no sleep...I've done the same...I mean it, thank you-well, you can tell it was important to me, or else I wouldn't have expressed it in such a public manner.

Little girls grow into wiser women...forgetting all the tears you cried for them...
and anger is the only way...of getting through....
tell me that you hurt the ones that you love....
cause darling that was never good enough....
and even when the dreams are gone, I'll be here for you.....

Hmmm....that has a ring to it. Dinner was fun, guys, thanks for taking me out...I hope it's not the last time we do was great....but I don't know if I'll slurp up a plate of jello next time. Anyways. I don't know what I'll do when I get home...maybe call around and see if anyone wants to catch a movie or something...I ws supposed to have specific plans, but...well...once again, I learn that some things just don't come through when you want them to. Stand fast, helmsman, there's quite some chop ahead. Question...what does twangling mean? Well, I'm going home soon, and my computer and it's wonderous internet access remains here, until I get to return, for the big 48 hour break duty shift, from 7PM on the 4th of January until 7PM on the 6th of January...I don't know what the hell I"ll do for all that time....probably sleep like I did today...I thought maybe the phone would wake me up this afternoon from a peaceful sleep and I'd hear a wonderful voice, but it didn't happen. Don't know whether or not to be annoyed. Well, I slept until about 430PM, but I suppose that's okay since I didn't really go to bed until 7AM...and then I had to get up anbd go out into the cold and wind this morning at about 1045 and drop off some keys so the dervice desk could wasn't pleasant. Anyways. I think that's enough rambling to keep you all guessing about me for the next week or so. I'll be back soon, peoples, don't fret. Until then, dive to paradise.

Saturday 19 December 1998 - 11:13PM EST
All bound for mumuland....all bound for mumuland...
fishing in the rivers of in the rivers of life...
bring the beats back.
And here I am. Sitting here again, in an almost completely deserted residence hall, the place is more quiet than it has been since the beginning of the semester before everyone moved in...I can play my music as loud as I want!! heh-silly me. It's kinda lonely, though knowing everyone is at home, and there's no commotion around here, or there's noone to call and talk to or hang out with...except Kristin, she's up there in Anne Arundel, and I think we're going to have a little yogurt party tonight, after Lee and I finish our duty rounds...I mean honestly, we are on duty tonight, but who's here to make trouble? Oh well. I leave on Monday, that'll be nice, to go home and put my feet up....who am I kidding, the day I get home I'm going out to do my christmas shopping...I haven't done ANY yet, and Christmas is all of what, Friday? Goodness.
Anyways. I tried to sleep, but I got a duty call. Fortunately for me, and the person who needed my help, it wasn't a big deal-apparently every time someone forgets something and needs to get their keys and get into their room, they have to be escorted to their room by an, huh? At least the girl was nice. Anyway.
I'm back from rounds now, not like we really did them...::snicker:: but I spent most of my time in Kristin's room...we exchanged yogurt for whipped cream, and talked for a was really cool, I could have stayed there a lot longer than I did. It was nice. Human contact was nice-considering she's the closest friend I have to here that I can sit down and talk with....
anyways. I think I'll be updating this a lot in the next day or so-mainly because I don't have anything better to do...maybe the union is still open...I can go play there. I mean during the daytime, anyway. There'll be no people around, and it'll be nice to bike around without the people in my way. Anyways, that should do it for me. I'll be back soon to talk more, don't you doubt that.
phoenix out.

Thursday 17 November 1998 - 5:12PM EST
Now I'm pissed. I really thought that maybe the counselor wouldn't take the blows this time around. It seems that no matter how much I try to help people, no matter what I do for them, and no matter how close you are to someone, people would rather hurt the ones who are trying to help them than the people who are trying to hurt them. Mark Twain said, "A dog will never bite the hand that feeds them. That's what makes dogs different than man." It seems that every time I try to help someone, not only is it a thankless job, but it's harsh, lonely, and pathetic. It seems that when people are good, then I'm not needed-I'm all alone. But when I am needed, I'm the most popular guy on the block. Thanks. And then there are the people who spread the misery that I have to mop up after...but then again, I suppose it is my choice to mop up after these people...the people who are doing perhaps what I should be doing...looking out for number one, doing their own thing, regardless of how people react or feel afterwards...if someone is stupid enough to pine over what's been done or what's in the past, then that's their problem, not mine...yeah, there is some merit to that way of thinking.
And what happens when I try and help? Nothing. It's always a long, drawn out situation, where it ends one of two ways-either the gradual beginning of the healing process, in which case it's more like the person did it themselves and I played little to no role in their situation, and then the second situation is that I'm shunned and cirtisized for trying to help. So what does a person like me do, one who wants everyone to be happy, and tries to help everyone be happy? Who the hell knows, that's why I'm so pissed off. I need to get away..from all of this, from all these lying, decieving, cheating, immature people-it's like dealing with a group of 5 years olds...they know right from wrong, they at least know how to do the right thing, they just don't do it....why? No reason, because their heads and minds and even their hearts say one thing, but their bodies and their urges and their desires say something completely different, and they generally pay no attention to their minds, or what the right thing to do is, and they shoot for the instant gratification that they all know full well is no good for them. To hell with it. I would like to say that in this situation, I have tried to act with righteousness and valor, strength and compassion, virtue, trust, wisdom, faith, piety, and all the love and emotion becoming of a ethical, moralistic member of the human race. To date, I have had incredible luck. But should my luck run out, I want the world and whoever might read this in the future, or whatever might happen to this data to know something very important.
It is often said that the wise men learn more from the fools than the fools learn from the wise.

Wednesday 16 November 1998 - 8:33PM EST
Things are supposed to be looking up, correct? I mean, I suppsose they are, I pulled out with what I needed in my Math class, I'm hoping I did well on everything else, but I'm not going to know for a while. Anyways, everything is good on the school front, and I suppose that as soon as I get back home and deposit my check, I should get right onto Christmas shopping....I don't know what I'm getting anyone yet...goodness...what am I going to do....oh well, it's not like I'm shopping for THAT many people, anyway. I don't know anything...there was a problem. The problem was going to be adressed. The problem was run away from. I always thought that when you take time away from a problem, you at least take the time to think it through and what you might be able to do to solve the problem....but that didn't happen. The problem was fled from, and upon return, the only difference is that it's easier to hide from now. I suppose things are different. I suppose. But it's different now. Here, in my head. It's different. I feel like I'm warm, caribbean waters, clear and crystalline and perfect...until about 7 feet down...I look down below my feet and suddenly the water gets dark and murky and cold and's almost like I feel if I dive too deep, then I'll find something that I don't want to..or I'll get myself into something I don't want to be involved in. Who knows.
That's the only difference there's going to be, my head. Everything is better, for all intents and purposes, but even if I feel like nothing's changed but the front, I'm going to roll with it. I want to. I don't care if it's not good for me, or if there's something different I should do. Delusions are my specialty, even if I know it in my head. Besides, there's still the chance that it'll get better with time....good things come to those who wait.
But that's not even the biggest stress. I seem to be the chosen one. I suppose I'm flattered that I'm looked to as the one with the answers and the guidance...I seem to have a knack for showing people the path to the light....I'm glad that I can help, and I don't know how to turn my back...always, if I feel like I can do something, like I can help, then I want to try....but at the same time I can't ignore the situation that puts me in...hell. What can I say? It's a paradox. I don't want people to stop coming to me, and I don't want to stop helping. So where to go? Nowhere, I suppose. Right here, I suppose.
Anyway, finals are over, and I have nothing to do really but sit back and relax and kick back until I have to do room inspections and get to go home....I wonder what kind of break it's going to be. I seem to have gotten out of the habit of looking to the near future with any optimism or pessimism..I understand that the future exists, and thats about it. I don't take any perspecitve on it. It's just there. I suppose I'm not really trying to take any special look at it...I don't know what stripped me of that whole "tomorrow is a brighter day" look..perhaps it's because I've been taking my life week-to-week, and not looking at the near future or the present with any real enthusiasm. Oh well. Maybe I'll feel better when I get home...or after a nice long rest. Or maybe both.

Saturday 12 December 1998 - 7:51PM EST
I biked past the flagpoles in front of the Armory this morning...the flags were at half staff...for a brief instant, just for a moment, I wondered if they were for me.
I should call Bridget...I wonder how she's doing. She probably has something interesting to do tonight, it being Saturday and all, but me? Hell, I'm sitting around in my room.studying for a Math final I have on Monday, just to get the studying through...maybe I'll write the essays for my Honors seminar final. It seems like noone's around. Alone again, I suppose. But solitude isn't such a curse, I don't want anyone to think that. It seems that when I spout off, I don't exactly get the point across that I've been meaning to make...I mean, Talia went out of her way to write a big long email that I haven't completely read yet that explains to me why I shouldn't retreat into myself...funny, how I know it's warmer and more forgiving inside, where the only one who'll disapprove of me is myself. Yes, I suppose I am vulnerable, to some degree, but as much as I love her, I don't completely see the logic of lambasting me about how silly the notion is and exactly how wrong I am will make me want to open up to the world any more than I already have...I think I went through this with Beth one fine day on the floor of my room, staring at the ceiling...I have two categories in my mind: "Public Access" and "Classified." While public access is large enough to keep my friends and loved ones happy enough and content in the fact that they know me, classified is something altogether different. very few people have access to the classified information about me, the people I trust the most,'s easy to tell who they are, they're the ones who have the ability to hurt me the most....if their comments roll off my back, then they probably don't know me as well as they might think they do. I suppose some of my darker secrets and opinions are in that category...the things about me that people generally don't want to know, or are hard to bring up in every day conversation....I mean, it's not often that people ask questions like "what do you regret most about your life?" or "what's the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to you?" The point here being, that the reason that a lot of people seem to think I have this iron safe is really simple. No one ever asks.
Deadly serious about this one. Oh well. I should start to get organized, Ashby's going to come over and we're going to study for this damed Math final. Good luck to me. Oh-by the way, I'm lonely. Anyone want to come visit or call or something? I'd appreciate it. Okay, there's my formal plea for companionship. Now I'm done. In reality, I could care less. Not anymore. Solitude is my guide.
I'm deadly serious about this one...I mean, it's nothing special. It was.
it was always special. It was like water down the drain.
or then, maybe...just wasn' isn' that at all.
phoenix out.

Thursday 10 December 1998 - 9:49PM EST
That's when I reach for my revolver, that's then it all gets blown away. 5 exams, 3 papers...all in before next Thursday....I've finished an exam and a paper....2 of the papers are one of my finals, and the rest, well...hell. too much to get into. I've been so tired lately. I have SO much to do, so much going on..and this is NOT the right time for all the stress that I'm feeling, but I suppose it's unavoidable. I don't know anymore...I'm so confused and upset that I feel like I don't know my own name, much less how to figure out a value fo n for some sequence with error less than something...but at the same time, I'm hopeful and I'm wishing for the best...but as any ideal realist would do-preparing for the worst. It's not like I don't have things to do also-there are things that I have to evaluate, things I have to think about, things I have to say and things I feel, and nothing will devalue those things, nothing, no arrogant friend, no loving friend, no opinions, I am my own person, and I have my own free will. I have to remember that and stop allowing others to get to me, no matter how good a friend they are or how close we are.
Vengance begets vengance, hatred begets hatred, anger begets anger....but understanding begets understanding, compassion begets compassion, and love begets love...I had to remember that last night. As the night went on, I realized that not only is all that true, but I remembered that I am an individual, with needs and desires, and I have every right to them as much as another person...and when one is trying to work with someone else, then comprimises have to be made....not giving up on yourself, not giving up on someone else, but trying to make it work, for the sake of what you have. I suppose I'm pretty obvious now, but hell, a little pain now will spare a lot of pain later, I think. But hell. Who knows. There is some element of helplessness here. And so I wait. And think. And wonder.
Oh, by the way, NO IDIOTS. None. They will not be allowed. I should sleep...I have a Physics Exam tomorrow, and I'm wiped....curl up in bed with my physics notebook and do some studying...hah, I know full well I'll be online until late tonight. Probably be looking at my physics book and notebook while I'm online, but still....I hope I do well..I need to do well on these exams...
So many people are hurting...and I want to help them all, even in spite of what I'm feeling...It doesn't have the same potential to make me feel like I'm escaping like it used to...I used to wrap myself up in other people's problems and thoughts and try to ignore mine and sort them out later or little by little without feeling much of the emotional attachment doesn't do that for me anymore. I wonder if I've changed, but when it comes down to it, I probably haven't changed all that much, it's more that there has been more stuff happening around me to make me act differently than I normally would....I suppose I'm nearing my breaking point..that's when it all gets blown away.
Hell. I think I've rambled enough. I'll be back...another time.
I turn sideways to the sun....and in a moment, I am gone.

Sunday 22 November 1998 - 9:09PM EST
This weekend rocked out hardcore. Saw my darling on Friday, although I don't know when the next time I'll get to see her will be..but I miss her already. Saturday started at about 1PM...ran some errands, got a new pair of sunglasses, ink cartridge, kick ass headphones...went to se DJ Spooky, and although I didn't meet Eugenie there, the show was beyond awesome...BEYOND. Random Hentai on the whitescreen and political leaders was something for the books. I mean honestly. And then...Rocky...that rocked...hehe-being passed around was kinda interesting, I should do it more often! Any way you look at it...things rocked so hard it's beyond belief...and now all I have to do is survive 2 days until I can get out of here for break...
NO IDIOTS. I have an idiot I have to deal with..and he will be dealt with. Freak.
Anyway-break...then I get to spend time with some of my extended family...for some reason I'm not looking forward to it, but it should be fun. Maybe what I really want is a little time at home, nice and peaceful. I do have a book to read, and a few minipapers to write...nonetheless, it shouldn't present itself as a problem. Oh well...on with the week.

Thursday 19 November 1998 - 9:07PM EST
Changed the cover image. The old one is here. Long live the self-created phoenix. It'll have it's place in history on my gallery page. Just a few other minor changes-new link to my friend Pale Eddie's page, it's really nifty, go there. Funny how it feels like this is pretty much a medium for my own rants and raves now, I don't feel as though anyone's really looking at this anymore. I mean, other sites have regular subscribers, Tim's, Ben's, Jen's....but I don't feel as though anyone looking here anymore. I think maybe the thrill of having something up here for everyone to see is kinda worn down, and maybe I'm feeling as though this is kinda pointless...but I keep working at it anyway...a work of art in progress, I think, something for me to express myself with, even if I am the only one looking at it, you know? Oh well. Life goes on, I suppose...I don't know what to do...keep going, I suppose. Damn. Sexual frustration sucks.
Looking forward to this weekend, everything looks as though it should work out superbly, as long as things happen the way I need them to...and then I'll be happy. I think. Maybe I need a milkshake...that might make me feel better.

Wednesday 18 November 1998 - 11:39PM EST
Sexual tension running high through the group...yes, even the extended members. Don't know what to make of it....or make in it..or make out in it..or with it....anyway, myself included, no secrets there. Perhaps I should claify-sexual tension not in the form where people are upset at other genders or that people are just tense with the issue of sex or sexual activity, just the fact that..well..I suppose that as a group, we've been lately the horniest group of people I've ever seen in my entire life. You know what they say, the people who talk about it the most get it the least, but I think in this case that person was sadly mistaken...funny how sexual frustration can bring a group together so nicely. Interesting dynamic, eh? And don't get any funny ideas about what I mean when I say "bring the group together," either. Good.
Funny how that works, though, huh? Oh well. Been a nice relaxing week so far, not having to get up for Physics once, but in turn that means I haven't seen Annie all week. Wonder how she is. Jen's out seeing tricky tonight..lucky. Although I thought about it, it was 20 dollars too much for me, I think. Oh well. I'm seeing DJ Spooky Saturday at the 930 Club, and hopefully Tim and I will be back in time for Rocky Horror. It'll be fun. I swear. Really, it will. Rampant sex and nudity...normally I would have some moral objection to it, but hell, a good sex-a-thon does everybody good once in a while, eh? Oh GOD, what's happening to me?
Anyway, other than that, I CLAIM THIS CAT FOR AMERICA!!!(MMRRROWWWW!)...maybe not...It's not all my brain. Just close your eyes.....go insane...
Oh well...nothing else on the Alan a couple of stuffed crust pizzas in the closet hanging out...if anyone wants some, come and get it. I'm willing to share. We out. We out.
Speaking of which, phoenix....out.
By the way, it's NOT spelled feeniques. Although that spelling is much funnier.

Saturday 14 November 1998 - 7:55PM EST
I find myself with less and less to say these days, but I'm thinking more and more. I'm trying to get all this junk with the Astronomy Department finshed so I can kick back for a while, and everything seems to be coming to a close, for the most part, anyway.
I'm lonely. Once again, I'm left here in College Park-everyone's gone or has no inclination to say hello to me, with noone to talk to but my computer and the jerks on my floor...although I must thank Melissa and Mike for coming up to see me yesterday and treating me to dinner at the Terrapin Taco House....heh-home of "meat" tacos...although the food there was quite yummy, that's the good thing, there's a place I think I can go back to. The taco salad was good, too. So here I sit, taking a break from the webdesigning business and working on my own little thing...Infinity blazing through my room....what you reap is what you sow.
Lonliness takes control again. The problem with being alone like this is that I start thinking..I need to be expressing myself at almost all times in one way or another, and if that winds up being through thought, then that's what happens...I start thinking about things, you know, the fairness of my situation, how happy I am, and what I can do to be happier...what I can do to help other people around me be happier with me. I feel so isolated. I mean, for a while at the beginning of the semester, people came to visit me, but noone does that anymore...everyone's so far away, and they all say "Alan, you should come down to North Campus and say hello sometime!" and I do...but then, when I say "Hey, you should come down to SC to visit me sometime," they never do....I can't remember the last guest I had in my room that just showed up one day...yeah...I'm isloated. But then again, it's not my fault, or that of my friends-just the fact that Caroline Hall is all the way out here in west asswipe, and it's a hassle to find the place, let alone get here from North Campus. So what's a lonely boy supposed to do?
Hm. Moved the older thoughts to another page-that should help a little. Don't want this one to get too long. Maybe I'll post to the listserv, just let everyone know how I'm doing and what's going on....maybe someone will care. maybe not. makes me wonder if anyone cares about what I'm writing here. Probably not. Oh well. Minute by minute, I suppose.

Sunday 8 November 1998 - 7::53PM EST
So I was thinking about what kind of life I want. What kind of life I want to live...I mean, we all have these grandiose dreams and we never want to take an office job, we want to keep living until the day we die and everything...but then again, how many of us will actually do it? I mean, how many of us will wind up living until the day we die, and how many of us will simply exist? I thought of something this the shower, as luck might have it.

She said the establishment was bringing her down.
She said the establishment told her how to look, what to say, how to act.
She said she hated the establishment.
But when a wealthy son of the establishment invited her to the ball
She bought what the establishment told her to buy
Said what the establishment told her to say
Looked how the establishment told her to look
She'd never confess to it now,
But behind her desk
At the job she got from the contact she met at the ball she said she shouldn't have gone to
She is the establishment.

Hmm. Wonder if that was any good. Who knows. But it brings out the point that I think all the time. Are we all counterculture because we're tired of mainstream, or is there another reason? I mean, too many of us complain about the mainstream that "rejected us" and rebel against it by proclaiming things like "independant thought" and "individuality..." yeah...that's why they do it. They want to be different....just like everyone else.
So I suppose I can try to redeem myself-I've never condemned the mainstream, although I disrespect a lot of it's aspects-but I like my little position in between the two-between subculture and mainstream...I like my little niche, where I'm just as comfortable wearing a suit or polo shirt as I am in my favorite raver pants and my gauntlets....Always been a clique jumper. Third party, I wish I were-and I can claim to be...but I'd be lying. I'm just as bad as everyone else-mainstream or otherwise..all of us who seek to identify ourselves within the categories that someone else has already set for us, but then conclude and convince ourselves that we're being original...I've met very few really original people...and they usually get that way by combining elements of those things that specifically aren't original. Who knows, I think I'm babbling.
It was a great weekend. It was a really great weekend.