Friday 27 October 2000 // 21:00 EDT
So where was I yesterday? Oh yeah. So I had a birthday or something, that
makes me 21. I suppose I could be out drinking and the like, I suppose I
could be out partying the night away, but instead, it's another Friday
night and I find myself sitting in my room doing a whole lot of nothing,
waiting for people to show up and keep me company for a while, and then
maybe head down to the triple and play lots of Marvel v. Capcom 2 and beat
the crap out of each other with characters that I may or may not have seen
So yes, I'm 21 years old. I suppose that really oughta count for SOMETHING
more than the fact that I'm a year older. I thought about it for a while
last time I wandered around campus...I thought about who I was compared to
who I was when I came to the university, the person so full of life and
ideas and hope that I was when I got here, so eager to try everything and
do well at everything, and now so jaded and lost and in some ways more
lost than I was when I started...I keep telling myself that if there's
anything I wans out of college, it's to leave less fucked up than I got
here..whether that's really going to happen or not, I don't know. I really
hope it will.
To the one I loved before: Wait, please. Don't make any rash decisions,
when I come back and I have something to offer you, I promise I'll make it
worthwhile...my love is worth waiting for.
To the one I hated so much: Wait, please. When I have something with which
to fight, when my armor is whole and my blade unbroken, I will come back
and again we will spar, perhaps this time to the death.
I've been to an edge, of sorts, and managed to come back. I've been on the
verge of nervous breakdown, or perhaps over that edge and managed to climb
back up the ledge. I don't know. Perhaps it means something, perhaps it
doesn't, but at least I can say I've learned something from it. Things
have been better, but I like to describe this little hiatus in my torrent
as something like Christmas Day...you love it while it's here, but you
know full well that soon it'll be gone and there's nothing you can do
about it...perhaps it's a calm before a storm worse than the one I've been
weathering...I pray not.
Until then, wish me luck, pray for peace, and show me love.
Thursday 26 October 2000 // 16:29 EDT
So a long time's passed since I wrote last, but it feels like only
yesterday...or today..that I keep walking through this fire of torment
that I keep insisting that I make myself walk through, that I can't help
but walk through every day, that I can't help but force myself to endure
whenever I have the opportunity...that strange force inside me that makes
me say yes when the phone rings or the knock on the door comes, that same
desire that makes me blush away my resolution and and fade silently in my
hatred or my desire for strength and fall back into the same patterns that
I'm oh too used to holding-for some reason I've become a self-admittied
masochist, and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it..I curse
myself when it happens, I curse myself while it's happening, I curse
myself when I walk into it, but there's nothing I can do about it.
I had a birthday. I suppose something should be different about me
now. I'm 21, if nothing else, and I suppose that carries some wieght. I
ask myself where I've been, how far I've come since I looked back at
myself last, who I am in comparision to the boy I was when I got here-to
the person I was when I looked at this school with glaring, bright eyes
and didn't know what to do first, now I look as the man with dull jaded
eyes who struggles each day to find the beauty in the skies that he used
to relish so much when he walked around to class.
If I keep biking around campus the way I do, I'm gonna get myself killed.
Saturday 14 October 2000 // 06:02 EDT
Well fuck you too. I should have known that Friday the thirteenth would
cause nothing but trouble for me.
Looks like my 21st year is gonna go off with a bang.
I just need to stay away.
Friday 13 October 2000 // 19:50 EDT
Friday the thirteenth...it hasn't been TOO bad yet. Hopefully it won't get
any worse. Life's been pretty rough since we spoke last. Combined with
affections misplaced and people used, combined with desires unfulfilled
and passions unsought, combined with intelligence unwanted and information
unconveyed, combined with daily emotional turmoil and sacrifice, combined
with being tortured on a daily basis, the rest of the world saw fit to
fall in at the same time.
Academics, spirituality, all of it has kind of
fallen in. Midterms are coming up, and I have no excuse for having missed
so much class...a few of my professors understand that I've felt like shit
the past couple of weeks, and it's been exceedingly hard to keep up, but I
think that at the end of this weekend I'll finally have gotten everything
worked out and finished like a good little Alan. If there's anything I'm
happy I have control over in my life, it's my academics. Other than that,
it's so strange that it's not an issue of control, but of willpower. Mom,
Dad, you could probably chide me foring so weak willed so much, but for
some reason I can't help myself. I tell myself to stay away, to keep my
distance, and to try and not saturate myself, but I can't...I keep running
back to those things that I both love and hate the most. Why?
Four problem sets; Two finished. Three lab reports; two mostly
done. One class I need to desperately catch up in; haven't really started
to yet. Personal space and time closing in around me, no time for
anything, no money, no space, no love, no nothing...
I'm turning 21 on the 17th. God. What the hell does that mean? I tell
my friends that the best thing about being 21 is that I'm not 20
anymore....that thank goodness this 20th year is over. It wasn't THAT
bad...I can't complain, like any other year, I found love and lost it
before it was mine, which seems to be the true story of my life-I clung to
my beliefs, I did what I thought was right, I lied a little too much to
get my points across, I was hypersensitive, very emotional, defended
myself when I needed to, was happy, was sad, looked around at the people
around me and was sad for them, easily saw the faults in others and at the
same time grieved over my own...
So after this year, where am I? What have I learned?
Never trust too much, that's for one. Never love too much. But always
love. I revert to my original opinion: live it all. every day..every
minute..every instant. So what now? Let's do this.
Monday 18 August 2000 // 22:50 EDT
I think I needed a breath of fresh air. Not so much because I was choking,
but because the air in here was getting stale and skanky anyway. So
yeah...sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I got rid of all
the skanky people, all the people that do nothing but annoy me, all the
people who do nothing but reject me, do nothing but bring me down...would
I be happier? Feel free to respond, drop me a line and let me know if I'd be
happier. In your opinion, of course. Nevertheless, everything is going
according to plan...whose plan and what it is, damned if I know. I look
back on some of the things I said, some of the passions I felt, and it
never ceases to amaze me how I have this capacity to overestimate, over
feel...but I love it, I love FEELING, I love letting the emotion flow from
every pore, I love feeling like a spiritual warrior, fighting for solace
and a calm mind...I love it...I think "oh my god, how could I have said
that to someone..." and regale myself with stories of the stupid things I
said at the most amusing times, even though I was convinced it was an okay
thing to say at the time...but nevertheless.
It might be just me, but this semester is tearing by really quickly. I
didn't think I'd be so deep into it...well. Let's see. Alan's progress as
a student? Looks like I could be out of here safely in about 2 more
semesters. I could be out of here in a hurry in one...which means I'd walk
with my diplomas in May. What the HELL is that? I'm so close to being
out...but I haven't taken the GREs or anything like that to prep for
Graduate School..I don't even know where I want to go...I'm so busy
worrying about the problem set due on Thursday that I haven't thought
about next year. Should I? I don't know if it matters all that much
yet....I don't have any real plans. Maybe I should make some. Hmm..Alan's
progress as a person? I'm happy. I think I'm really happy. I mean, there
are my instances of unhappiness, those moments when I'm completely
disgusted or I hear everything I don't want to hear, but overall I think
I'm happy. I'm still on sabbatical from romance, though, let the bitches
come to me and I'll sort them out-but in the meantime...
So I'm sitting here listening to Dune.."So Beautiful" from the album
expedition which may or may not be real...it's a pretty song. Look
it up if you have one of those possibly-soon-to-be-illegal mp3
finders. Life spins around us, children...remember, always, always live
the life you create inside your head...you'll never get anywhere plodding
from day to day. I keep telling you, but so few of you are actually
listening to me.
Maybe if a few more of your do, then I'll listen to myself.
So in the meantime, I sit with a smirk on my face, and laugh at the people
who make a daily attempt to tap my emotional strength...and not that I'm
saying it's all that much, it's enough to make me happy, but those who
want some...the ones that flock to me in droves to ask me to solve their
problems for them, to tell them what they want to hear when they ask the
questions that demand the truth...the ones who want me to materialize the
answers for them...what right have they to tape my power? None. And they
shall get nothing.
Get thee hence...oblivion awaits thee.
Saturday 9 August 2000 // 20:49 EDT
I think I'm getting somewhere. It's not something that's going to take a
weekend, but nevertheless, I think I'm really making progress. I've been
so strange lately not because I'm depressed, not because I'm lovelorn, not
because I'm lonely, not because I feel alone, not because I miss people,
or I miss having that warm luvvy feeling in my life, not because I feel
rejected or because I feel unneeded, some of those things apply and others
don't. I've been strange lately because things have happened to make me
that way-I've made me that way. I've been trying to be someone I'm
not. I've been trying to be strong but distant, I've been trying to be
aloof but emotional. I've been trying to be calm but passionate. All of
those things are fine, don't get me wrong, but they're not me, not in
those combinations. I've been trying to pretend I don't care about the
people that matter to me, I've been trying to pretend that I don't want
someone to love me, I've been trying to pretend that things don't bother
me when they do. I've been trying to pretend I'm not sad when I am. I've
been trying to pretend I'm not happy when nothing's wrong. It's a deadly
game. I'm not as cheery as I used to be. That's not really a bad thing in
my eyes, although I miss it about myself, I think I'm growing up a little
bit. Sure I'm lonely, sure I feel burned, sure I feel alone, but I know
full well that I'm neither alone or unloved, I know full well I'm wanted,
and I'm only as badly burned as I want to be.
I came to a conclusion driving home last night. People are, as a whole,
pretty self-serving, and it's naive to expect everyone to treat you
otherwise. It's sad to think, but it's generally true. People want to do
what they want to do, and if that equation fits you in it, then it does,
if it doesn't, it doesn't. That might sound cruel, but think about
it-everyone has to look out for themselves, noone else is going to do it
for them. And then there's a thin line between wanting someone to care for
you like you care for others(especially if you're a person who reaches out
and wears their heart on their sleeve) and NEEDING someone to care for you
that way because you can't care for yourself. So many people have to
realize that love requires strength-not weakness. You love someone when
you realize that your love for them is greater than your need for them to
be around. And a LOT of people don't know this.
Last night. I saw Sandra Collins at Buzz...for a lot of people this isn't
special, or important, but I'll one up you a step-not only did I see her
spin, but I gave her my glosticks, like I always do when I see her
spin. She recognized me again. :) But wait-there's more. I was in line
just after getting searched, and I was looking for Rachel and Julia, and
I turned around and there she was, standing right in front of me. I
breathed "Sandra.." and she turned, looked at me with tired eyes, smiled,
and said "hi! how are you?" with just a hint of recognition in her eyes. I
smiled and said that I was fine and asked her how she was, and she told me
she was a little distraught trying to get into the club, especially a
half-hour after she was supposed to go on. I told her that it was
fine-that everyone would be happy if you went on at all, much less went on
late-I suggested she spin late to make up for it, and she smiled.
She's really tall.
She looked busy and I didn't want to keep her, she told me she was waiting
for the guy who was carrying her vinyl, and I touched her shoulder to get
her attention-she turned to me and I wished her a good set, and told her
I'd be right up front, and flashed her my glosticks-I promised to give
them to her again-for the third time. She smiled and thanked me, and I
went into the club.
It was a good night. Aside from the bootykids and the people who couldn't
dance to save their lives, aside from the people who took up way too much
floorspace, aside from all kinds of issues, I was happy. I missed eMily,
she always danced with me, she always made me feel like I wasn't alone at
parties, but I had a good time anyway. I felt strong again, for the first
time in a while.
And you know, I don't think that feeling is going to go away.
Wednesday 27 August 2000 // 18:08 EDT
I'm trying so hard. So hard not to hate so much. I mean, how would you
feel? My mind feels like it's tumbling...like noone cares how I feel but
me, like the only thing driving me is this pain in my gut. I find myself
distracted in class, and it's the first day. I just want to go away, be a
different person. Congratulations, Alan, you got burned on your
first..what was it....fling? Whatever. Don't ask questions, I'll give you
no answers. I'm not prepared to talk about it.
I feel so alone. I ask myself if I screwed up somehow, I ask what the
point to any of it is....and then I came to a conclusion.
When I find one that can show me that they're not all alike, then maybe
I'll go after her. For the time being, they can all rot in hell, their
lies and their short-lived passions, their lies and all the sweet words
that their mothers and the movies put in their mouths, and when a guy
like me comes along, he's just not what they need. Always finish
Not that I'm bitter. I'll admit, I am a bit, but I can't let it get to me,
I can't go on this pissy. I roll over in the middle of the night and look
at what's next to me and I say to myself "This is so wrong. This is all so
wrong." The words slip out of my mouth, and I ask myself if this is really
what I want, and I know it's not. I changed my mind, I'm not going to
whore myself out, I'm not going to put myself at the mercy of any more of
them. I refuse. Let them come to me, let her come to me, let all of it
come to me, and then I'll decide if they, if she, if it's worthy of my
attention. And right now, none of it is. I have more important things to
Saturday 26 August 2000 // 16:45 EDT
Damn. So much swirling around at one time. Have to remember..
grief is not an option. The only way to lead a good life is to act on
your emotions.....and I will correct the mistakes made by your(or
my) weakness. It's never too late to make your dreams come true.
Saturday 26 August 2000 // 04:26 EDT
I thought it was worth mentioning that that loser homophobic sketchball idiot loser on Survivor won the million dollars and the Pontiac Aztec. I think it just goes to show you two important lessons about life.
First. The girl that should have won got 100 grand, so she's prolly happy, but still, it shows you that in this life, the people who are most deserving of the things they wish for never get them. When's the last time YOU had what you really wished for? Love? Happiness? Acceptance? I know I haven't gotten any of the three in a long time.
Second. The losers, the homophobes, the sketchballs, the idiots, the losers, the fratboys, the football players(kinda bitter about how they get so much better service and food at the dining hall over training...and some other stuff too), the other guys always come out ahead. The addage is right. Nice guys finish last.
Kind of bitter, but so so true. Keep trying, I suppose.
Saturday 26 August 2000 //03:31 EDT
I just wanted to know where I stood, I didn't care where it was.
Sometimes I think they're all the same. 2 years, a few months, just as
long as it takes to get what's needed, all the pretty words and promises
and lies that help get them there. Sometimes I think that thought is
stupid and I shouldn't care so much or be so dramatic.
I could take a lesson. ::shrugs:: Oh well, keep on keepin on.
players only love you when they're playin.
Other than a little bullshit at the end, it was a really good day...invited by three people to be their fucktoys...I just might take them up on it, I'm feeling like trash about now, why not act like it...I got back to Denton this morning a few minutes ago and the first thing I did was ask the CA out to dinner...she's cute, I've had my eye on her for a while. She said yes, so it kind of numbed things a bit. I have too much life in me, too much stuff ahead of me, too much love to share to let the ones who would share theirs with everyone but me get in my way. So I say goodbye. Like I say, the past is dust. And with all the loyalties and all the love I had, and all the possibilities of the future that were etched from my past, I send the past into the dust from which it came.
Let the future take care of itself. I'm tired of thinking about it and looking forward to it.
Thursday 24 August 2000 // 12:32 EDT
Hey, what are you looking at? She was a sour girl the day that she met me. Hey, what are you looking at? She was a happy girl the day that she left me. What would you do? What would you do if I followed you?
I think I know what they mean when they say that sometimes there's more at stake in an argument than being right or wrong..part of me is screaming that I'm right and I should hold to that, but then another part of me remembers those childhood lessons where you should apologize regardless of whether you're right or wrong and hope to be forgiven for whatever trespasses you've committed. Got to keep control, that's it. Sure. Of course that's what's important, right? Control? I doubt that as much as I doubt that the sun rises in the west in the mornings. I want to scream "I'm not trying to hurt you! I hate this as much as you do! I just...want to be happy. Let me try...to be happy again...I want to see if I can do it." Trying to wipe the slate clean so soon after so many trespasses I should be lucky to be forgiven and have the opportunity to start anew, try and build atop the passionate insanity with something a little more powerful. I want to feel better. I mean it when I say sometimes that I think something is wrong with me-that my mind is too active in all the wrong ways...paranoia, fear, all of them not at the surface, but deep enough to be the dark splotches you can see just under the clear ice of my psyche.
I'm not perfect. I'm not flawless. But I do learn from my mistakes, and I do want to be bold and fearless and act up and be corrected and learn...always learn, always grow.
I heard Modern English on the radio in the Community Office today...and it broke my heart. I asked myself, "what have I done?"
Sunday 20 August 2000 // 00:03 EDT
It's a different world here..the streets are gleaming...and I'm even seeing..they're paved with gold.
Okay-it's not that good. To be honest, I'm starting to have my doubts about things this year...hoping that everything turns out okay, that everything will work out for the best in the end, and I'm praying that I see some shimmering hope before the next week and a half is out.
Sometimes I think that something is wrong with me. That I can have the most uplifting experiences but I still feel like I'm fighting to stay happy, to stay amused...that I let things get to me too much or that I devote too much of myself to a particular cause or person or feeling or anything. Something to keep you thinking. Anyway. Firedancer is up, I'll load it in a second...but since we finally have ethernet on campus(the service seemed to show up around Wednesday) I can finally get online, check my email, all that good stuff. I'm all here, settled, and happy, considering. It's looking like a long year ahead of me, my only hope is that I don't let it pass by too quickly and I let it go without taking advantage of everything. I just want everything to work out well for me for a change..just...the things that I want so badly to go my way, I want them to go my way.
I suppose we'll see.
Monday 14 August 2000 // 23:12 EDT
The wind rushes through my hair, the sunlight falls on my face, the clouds
float through the sky, and the roads all lead behind me. It's been a long,
long time, but here we are again, in a different place than where we were
when we parted ways..a better place, perhaps, a more mature place, a more
enlightened place, dare I say. Perhaps we've all come a ways from where we
were..I certainly hope that you have.
I have no long, philosophical rants today. I have no lessons to learn,
save this one :: Live life like you would drink nectar...slowly, sweetly,
and enjoy every bit of it...try to remind yourself those times when you're
happy to savor them for all they are, but don't you dare stop living
So I'm back on campus. It's odd-sitting in the same room I was in last
year, with different furniture and different wall decorations and a
completely different room arrangement...one I like ever so much
more. (thanks eMily) But I
move into an almost different world-the building's been renovated, the
lounge is different, the lobby is different, so much has changed, but so
much has stayed the same...it's been a long summer, just long enough, long
enough to show me love and show me happiness, show be boredom and show me
anger, show me uncertainty and show me jealousy, show me strength and show
me compassion...but the game hasn't even begun yet. Check back with me in
a few days.
Look deeply. Love strongly. Dance Hard.