Posted on Friday 12 October 2007

sense :: smell // autumn air

I think we all have a core that’s ecstatic, that knows and that looks up in wonder. We all know that there are marvelous moments of eternity that just happen. We know them.

~ Coleman Barks

I really need to never ever not get a full night’s sleep before werk again. I could cut out of here a bit early and go home to take a nap, but I’m worried I’ll just feel worse. I’ll be up late tonight for a Karazhan run in WoW, so the notion that I won’t get to return to bed until late isn’t particularly appealing. I wish I could say I’ll get to sleep in tomorrow, but I know that’s not totally true either – we have errands to run and we should probably be up before the late afternoon tomorrow.

Anyway. How is everyone?

It’s been a long time, a couple of personal crises have come and gone, although I look back at my last entry and wonder if I’m really past that, really over not feeling wanted or desired, appreciated and cared for. My family and friends make me feel very wanted, cared for, Raevyn in particular. But at the same time, I tend to have body image issues and feel unattractive often, which leads to me feeling desexualized and dehumanized by my friends, which is never a good feeling. When everyone you know looks at you more of a brother or a father and less of a friend or peer, sometimes that’s a bit unnerving. Makes you feel like you’re worth the close emotional ties, but not worth the raised eyebrow of saucy interest. At the same time, I even feel guilty for wanting to be wanted, wanting to be attractive, wanting others to be attracted to me. It’s a pretty remarkable conundrum, and by and large I tend to dance around it without really going anywhere, hoping the feelings fade and praying for those moments when I dress a certain way and see myself in the mirror and think to myself that I’m not half bad.

They say that one way to alleviate yourself of self-consciousness and such when it comes to things like that are to post photos of yourself freely, and I might start doing that. I do have a laptop, and it has a built in camera. My desktop has a cam as well, as does the DJ computer downstairs. My phone has a camera, and I have a digicam that I used to carry around with me everywhere. Come to think of it, it makes me wonder in how many places my image has been snapped or how many hours of video there are of me floating around the world. When you really really think about it – all of the surveillance cams you’ve been under and how many banks you’ve been in, it’s pretty staggering. Anyway.

That being said, I went to the doctor a few weeks back. A mostly clean bill of health, a few concerns but nothing out of the ordinary, nothing out of control, and nothing I didn’t expect. Got plenty of good news that I didn’t expect though, and that’s always a good thing.

The trip to New York City for Digital Life was fantastic. Meeting everyone behind the scenes at PC Magazine made me even more dedicated to giving my all to my freelancing at AppScout and Gearlog. Hell, I’m even submitting more green technology posts for publication over at Good Clean Tech, which I also love. Good times there – I can certainly see how people would move to New York City or visit New York City and fall in love with the place, never wanting to live anywhere else. Granted we spent all of our time in Manhattan, but I have to admit, the city was much better than I anticipated. Even driving in the city wasn’t that bad, although I wouldn’t want to make a habit of it. Have to admit though, traffic in the Washington DC area beat the traffic I saw around New York City hands down.

On that note, I need to upload my photos from that trip. Maybe I’ll try to do that this weekend, if I have time and manage to get some sleep.

3 Comments for 'seether'

    October 13, 2007 | 10:42 am

    Nice to see a post here, and honored that you share. Had a feeling that it was high tide in Phoenix Cove (or low tide, depending on how you look at things) . . . the ebb and flow of life.

    ” When everyone you know looks at you more of a brother or a father and less of a friend or peer, sometimes that’s a bit unnerving. Makes you feel like you’re worth the close emotional ties, but not worth the raised eyebrow of saucy interest.”

    This, I feel, is the mixed blessing of being an Indigo Boy 🙁

    Knowing you only through words, I can only give you my “soul” impressions . . . There is something of the sensitive mystic in you, an ethereal quality that I would guess many people don’t fully understand, and, like many things people don’t understand, (like great intelligence or the survival of great pain), the unfamiliarity keeps them a little timid. Seems Ms. Raevyn hasher own verion of it too — so she can fly alongside you, admiring your firey feathers — and you her powerful sleekness . . . iin that, you are both uniquely and doubly blessed.

    But, you are a man, too . . . and being denied the “saucy” moments can be disheartening, I’m sure. All I can hope for is that this is the way the universe provides you pure moments of true sensuality and being known . . . sparing you souless encounters . . . having said this, having spent years as the girl-next-door, smart-girl-who-always-has-the-history-notes, peanut butter cookie maker . . . and later, the vanilla puddin’, looks like an-elementary-teacher lady . . . I fully understand that sometimes “the higher order” is cold comfort. :: smiles wistfully ::

    (However . . . perhaps there is hope. . .with silvery blonde strands of hair piling up on my head, sometimes a rogue strand sweeping low over my brow, it feels right. I’m used to being . . . how shall I say . . .not asexual, but sort of a “hidden sexual” being . . . it’s curiously consoling to start to look the age I’ve always felt inside 🙂

    October 13, 2007 | 10:44 am

    ACK . . . hard to believe I actually edit subtitles for a living!

    Editor: SLASH THYSELF . . .

    October 13, 2007 | 5:57 pm

    ::exhales:: Pastilla dearest, you have no idea how much I needed to hear exactly what you said.

    And neither did I until I read it. Thank you. 🙂

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