afraid to fly, afraid to try

Posted on Monday 3 September 2007

sense :: hearing // KD Lang – Constant Craving

Sometimes I’m surprised when the world spins on without me. It makes me feel disconnected, alone, sometimes jealous.

Scratch that, I’m sometimes surprised when my world turns to a different beat of everyone else’s. It’s not like my world stops spinning, it’s not like my life grinds to a halt. Time is progressing, the world is moving, my life is changing, but I hear the stories of others and read their experiences and wonder how mine compare. Raevyn explained that the real root of the problem is that I often interpret other people’s activities as things that would make me “happy,” so I make this mental list of things that would make me happy and immediately feel a sense of loss and lacking when I look at the list as compared to my own life. So when I see other people having riotous fun hanging out with their closest friends, I wonder when the last time I did that happened to be, and immediately get unhappy that I’m not having that fun, right now.

Part of that stems from how much I dislike this feeling of having “grown up,” working at my regular job and living a second life as the technology writer that I’ve always really wanted to be. You would think that second job, freelancing my technology stories and becoming the tech journalist that part of me has always wanted to be, would be enough to make me happy, and to an extent it is–I’ve always wanted to do this, and now I am. It’s a huge accomplishment. My schooling, certifications (one of which I earned a few weeks ago when going off to werk-sponsored training for three days) all of those things make me happy. Great, okay. So why am I constantly chasing the unicorn of that fleeting thing called happiness, which I know is right here in front of me to discover? Something I already have, I just need to realize it?

I suppose that’s something I’ve been wanting my zen studies to answer. Or rather, an answer that I’ve been wanting to find by embracing those studies. Or maybe there is no “answer,” and I already know. It’s funny.

At the same time, I still find myself putting a whole world of emotional effort and weight into a number of things that I can’t really justify, like elements of my work situation that I can’t control, or the mindsets and behaviors of others, whether they’re friends or colleagues. It’s remarkable how much I can have a vested interest in the emotional well being of people I’ve never met, for example, or feel so disconnected from people that I have, for example. It’s no wonder that often I feel more comfortable locking myself up at home for weekends on end and sleeping my cares away. That doesn’t mean I’m proud of it though; I just need to make time and effort and most importantly take the risk to do those things I’ve wanted to do, whatever they may be.

In other news. Since werk has had me more than a little frustrated as of late, I found this list from Web Worker Daily to be incredibly helpful. I’ve managed to do a number of these things, like not to answer unrecognized phone calls or check email constantly, to leave my Blackberry at the office and especially not to let work try to fill personal relationships that it shouldn’t (I have a very strong line between life and work, and I insist on keeping them in balance. I’m easily irritated by long nights at the office.). Unfortunately, there are some things that I just can’t do, like not agree to go to meetings with no clear agenda, or stop some people from rambling. I just haven’t worked out the polite language to do that yet. That and wave off the people who insist on sending me email and immediately after clicking send, come over to my desk to discuss it. That gets on my nerves.

Anyway. Same goes for this list on how to never be tired again from WebMD. Some of those things are concepually easy, like staying hydrated and watching your caffeine intake, taking belly breathes and letting go of stressful grudges. At the same time, others are a bit more difficult; like getting more exercise and filling up on fiber. I barely get out of the office for lunch as is (correction, I almost never get to eat lunch, much less get out for it. That’s how bad it is.) so I naturally don’t get too much choice on what I eat. Granted, these are changes I need to learn to make. I think Tuesday morning I might get started with rearranging my cube. A fresh workspace might help give me a fresh perspective on things.

Until then? Maybe I just need some sleep and introspection. The more I look for the unicorn, the more impossible it’ll be to find. I have to remember that it’s here and has been all along. Or perhaps that there is no unicorn, or that it’s silly to chase a unicorn when you already have everything it represents.

1 Comment for 'afraid to fly, afraid to try'

    September 4, 2007 | 12:28 am

    Ah, the unicorn, he moves so quickly when you chase him!

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